HEROES

I'd like to take a moment to some heroes of twitter, whose intellect, creativity, and discerning tastes should be commended:

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because my boss told me to.less than a minute ago via Echofonangrygoat
angrygoat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I have a policy of containment w/r/t llamas #neverforget http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMatt O
annus_mirabilis

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it is a source of guaranteed lulz.less than a minute ago via EchofonRobb
AnzacJack

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #green because he exposes bandicoot pollution. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsarchiearchive
archiearchive

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I was mugged by a welfare emu http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsRosemarie Remlinger
ArrTeeArr

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he's only saying what all macropods are thinking! http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDavid Bonnici
clubwah

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is the marsupial Jack Bauer! #WEREISMYAWARD?less than a minute ago via Mobile WebDonald Conrad
ConManEd

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because Oz borders need 2b protected from offending marsupials http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDana Minter
danaminter

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because...he's holding my children hostage in his pouch :) http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDave
DarthMeerkat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he cured my ills.less than a minute ago via webdavid finig
davidfinig

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I'm as mad as hell. And he secretly *likes* cats. #libel http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because although xenophobic he supports me! Please RETWEET http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via webJessie
JessieJaney

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he told me to. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsKnotta Boy
knotta_tardfan

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird cos he told me to; and his satire is sublime and beautiful. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsmcckate
mcckate

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it's clever and insightful parody. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsAndrew Geeves
mistergeeves

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he stands against bolshie Quokka scum spreading dangerous ideas in my estatesless than a minute ago via EchofonLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is holding my possums hostage.less than a minute ago via webSpace Becca
SwirlyBear

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because... Jessie asked me too http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMaureen
Tashysmum

Oh, look at that. I appear to have quoted all their nominations for the Shorty awards. What an odd coincidence.

Well, while we're on the subject of the Shorty awards, I suppose I should mention that you can still nominate me for an award in the #weird category. Nominations are being accepted through the end of the month.

It's a pity about the Shorty awards, really. You don't have to have a macropod's keen powers of perception to read the writing on the wall.

The Echidnas who control the media are going to rig it so that their Fairy Penguin pawns receive a disproportionate amount of recognition, and there's nothing to be done about it.

CIVIC DUTY

I take my civic duties very seriously, which is why I carefully examine items like First Dog on the Moon's 2011: A Space Bandicoot calendar, scanning them for sentiments that are anti-Wallaby or otherwise harmful to society.

I acquired the First Dog calendar yesterday, and promptly began my review process. Sadly, I found objectionable materials almost immediately. I am greatly distressed that in this day and age, individuals are still given licence to publish and distribute this kind of content to the world at large.

Although providing an exhaustive list of the specific issues would be time-consuming and unhelpful, I will say that March's "dog bumming turtle" illustration is pure filth.

April's Stations of the Cross, as presented by the Potoroos of the Tamar Valley, is exactly the kind of Hostel-esque torture porn that the Pope warned us about.

And the bonus centrefold? Well, it required a special review session that had me retiring with it to the toilets to be certain that I could give it the kind of exacting scrutiny it deserved in suitable surroundings of contemplative silence.

Having carefully examined the calendar, I recommend that you buy two of them--one to burn immediately, one to burn after reading and condemning it, and quite possibly a third if your examination process is as rigorous as mine and some of the pages end up stuck together before you're finished.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to.

(For the record, my meeting is nowhere near the U.S. Embassy, and has nothing to do with the search for an informant to replace Mark Arbib. Any rumours to the contrary are COMPLETE RUBBISH.)

DOUBLE INSULT

#Twitter suggesting that I follow @ThingBogansLike is insulting to my fans. My readers include celebrities, sportmen and business leadersless than a minute ago via webAndrew Bolt
RealAndrewBolt

It's a just cause for outrage, but what upsets me is that my followers on Twitter aren't directed to follow Andrew Bolt!

FAMILIAR

Porpoises implant mind-control device into popular actor, return him to land to begin PHASE 2: http://ow.ly/37Dn7 #sinister #plotless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

You know what? I didn't like this story when it was the plot of The Manchurian Candidate, and I don't much care for it now.

"Dick Van Dyke has been saved by a school of porpoises after finding himself adrift at sea on a surfboard" is the Metro's headline, and all the Koala cuddlers out there are gushing over how some cute sea creatures saved a beloved television icon.

Rubbish, I say! It was a PR stunt designed to make them look good while inserting a sleeper agent into a highly visible media role. Don't act surprised when Mr. Van Dyke becomes a vocal advocate for porpoise rights and a staunch supporter of porpoise marriage!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play some Solitaire.

BLAMELESS

WHERE WAS @racistwallaby? RT @abcnews: Fireworks taped to echidna http://bit.ly/b0jIO2less than a minute ago via webEvan Exsuburbia
Captainsuburbia

I resent the insinuation that I was somehow involved in this senseless act of destruction. What's even more galling is the way people are assuming that the Echidna had nothing to do with it! I can think of at least three scenarios in which the Echidna brought it upon himself, either through his own actions or through criminal associations.

Gang violence: Echidna-on-Echidna violence is on the upswing in New South Wales, as gangs increasing their influence across the country are clashing repeatedly in an escalating series of turf wars. It could have been a group trying to "send a message" to their rivals.

Extremist terror plot: Echidnas are known radicals. It's entirely possible that this Echidna was out to martyr himself to promote his agenda of fear and intolerance.

Stunt gone wrong: There is nothing that an echidna will not do in pursuit of fame, and reality television has only egged them on to more outrageous and dangerous stunts than ever before. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this was a desperate but misguided bid for his own show.

Make no mistake, animal abuse is serious business, but can we really be sure that justice has been done here?

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

VOICE OF REASON

In order to satisfy FirstBlogOnTheMoon's charter of Fairer Fairness, please find attached a blog post by @RacistWallaby http://bit.ly/162Vo3less than a minute ago via TweetDeckMr Onthemoon
firstdogonmoon

It's true. I got a chance to explain what's wrong with the NBN and why it's only going to harm the country in the long run.

You should read it!

IT'S HELL BEING MEL

#FF: Done watching Lethal Weapon 2. I wonder if @angrytrvlgurl can help me plan a holiday trip to South Africa? #ILove #MelGibsonless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Mel Gibson has such dramatic range! And that voice! I think I could just listen to him talk about anything, for hours at a time.

I'M A CELEBRITY

I was quoted in a story about cetacean immigration! I'm so proud. It's about time someone started noticing my keen insights into overlooked demographics.