A SIMPLE PLAN

Rat droppings on Delta Air Lines plane 'too numerous to count' http://t.co/0AT5MVoless than a minute ago via Tweet Button Favorite Retweet ReplyCraig Platt
FairfaxTravel

Bloody rodents can't get anything right.

Not that I should be complaining about it, but it appears as though a cunning plan to sneak past immigration and enter the country illegally was ruined due to poor personal hygiene.

Some roof rats took up residence in a Delta Air Lines jet, no doubt looking to emigrate to a country with a lower unemployment rate, but U.S. FDA inspectors found them out for being incapable of properly using the toilet:

[Delta spokeswoman Ashley] Black declined to specify the type of plane involved, other than that it was used on international flights.... The FDA said rodent excrement was discovered above the right and left forward galleys and mammalian urine was detected in six areas on ceiling panels over a galley.

Although the story is completely disgusting, I find it encouraging because 1) I never fly Delta Air Lines, and 2) it always makes me happy to see other countries dealing with problem immigrants well before they make it over our borders.

HA HA HA

@RacistWallaby wow, strange picture. It makes you look like a red kangaroo! I thought you'd be trying to distance yourself from them. )less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyJKRLMazur
JKRLMazur

I'm quite certain I have no idea what you're talking about.

My avatar is now, and has always been, a pleasing shade of grey commonly associated with wallaby fur, the cooled ashes of last night's campfire, and rational thought.

My avatar is not now—and has never been—any other colour that could possibly be confused with that of a Red Kangaroo.

And I would certainly never be involved in anything that could be misconstrued as trolling for steamy, lurid, and anonymous Kangaroo sex.

Unless it's a joke? Yes, that must be it.

HA HA HA. GOOD ONE, MATE! WOULDN'T THAT BE A LAUGH? ME, LOOKING LIKE A KANGAROO!

INDISTIGUISHABLE

Generally, I don't follow developments in the wine world — I'm not one of those Pademelon wine snobs who fusses over the cork — but I'm troubled by allegations raised in some row between U.S. and Australian wine companies:

The Wine Group of San Francisco caused uproar by releasing a Little Roo label which is strikingly similar to Casella Wines' Yellow Tail, featuring a wallaby. [...] Wallabies, Casella Wines contends, are "indistinguishable to most people" from kangaroos.

Indistinguishable?

What's not to distinguish? The Wallaby's regal bearing? Its grace? Its regard for personal hygiene? (To be an accurate representation, I would imagine that the Kangaroo picture is accompanied by a cloud of buzzing flies, and possibly a few stench lines to drive the point home.)

Do you honestly expect me to believe that people can't tell that — unlike the Kangaroo — the Wallaby is NOT hopping out of the gutter on his way to the bottle shop for another day of drinking away his government assistance cheque?

It's the simplest thing in the world to tell the two creatures apart. One is a quiet, respectful marsupial, and the other resorts to violence at the first opportunity.

I don't know which I would find more offensive, that Casella is assuming that the public at large is as ignorant and inattentive to detail as they are, or that the general public could harbour such a shameful lack of awareness.

FUTILITY

Trying to explain to Lil that 'numbat' and 'wombat' are different words and different animals...less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneKate
thepurple8

Talk about a thankless job! Sure, you could explain how Wombats and Numbats are different, but it's not like you can trust either of them with your car keys.

Fine, the two have different diets. Well, I can tell you firsthand that they have similar appetites for malt liquor and methamphetamines!

The only real difference is that the nocturnal one breaks into your house while you're asleep, and the diurnal one waits until you've left for work.

So you could explain that they're separate animals, but why bother? Once you're done, can you really say you've made the world a better place?

ELUSIVE?!

Camera Trap - elusive echidna's seen in Western Australia Wheatbelt... http://fb.me/QygBQhwNless than a minute ago via FacebookWWF_Australia
WWF_Australia

This "elusive" business is a load of poo.

Every exhibitionist I've ever known has been an Echidna. There's no stopping them when a camera's about!

Elusive, my pouch. Just look at how that one's mugging for the camera. Treating this as noteworthy is absolute rubbish.

CIVIC DUTY

I take my civic duties very seriously, which is why I carefully examine items like First Dog on the Moon's 2011: A Space Bandicoot calendar, scanning them for sentiments that are anti-Wallaby or otherwise harmful to society.

I acquired the First Dog calendar yesterday, and promptly began my review process. Sadly, I found objectionable materials almost immediately. I am greatly distressed that in this day and age, individuals are still given licence to publish and distribute this kind of content to the world at large.

Although providing an exhaustive list of the specific issues would be time-consuming and unhelpful, I will say that March's "dog bumming turtle" illustration is pure filth.

April's Stations of the Cross, as presented by the Potoroos of the Tamar Valley, is exactly the kind of Hostel-esque torture porn that the Pope warned us about.

And the bonus centrefold? Well, it required a special review session that had me retiring with it to the toilets to be certain that I could give it the kind of exacting scrutiny it deserved in suitable surroundings of contemplative silence.

Having carefully examined the calendar, I recommend that you buy two of them--one to burn immediately, one to burn after reading and condemning it, and quite possibly a third if your examination process is as rigorous as mine and some of the pages end up stuck together before you're finished.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to.

(For the record, my meeting is nowhere near the U.S. Embassy, and has nothing to do with the search for an informant to replace Mark Arbib. Any rumours to the contrary are COMPLETE RUBBISH.)

THE ONLY GOOD SEA LION

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon This was nothing less than the blatant luring and kidnapping of an innocent Kelpie! http://alturl.com/97ibbless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

I doubt Henry is his real name.... @archiearchive @RacistWallabyless than a minute ago via TweetDeckMr Onthemoon
firstdogonmoon

First, I’m thankful that a real horror was averted. Obviously that Sea Lion was headed for international waters, where it could visit all manner of depravities on that unsuspecting Kelpie.

Personally, I find this story troubling because I wanted to like Henry. It’s rare that a Sea Lion will anglicise the senseless mash of barks and roars that serves as his name, so I want to encourage their efforts to become part of civilised society wherever I see them.

However, in this case it appears as though “Henry” was merely using camouflage, lulling us all into a false sense of security so he could move amongst us without arousing our suspicions. The whole thing makes me wonder if any of them are to be trusted at all.

Am I wrong?

TEASE

Cats in prison. Amazing. http://bit.ly/bxiilG (via @duncangeere)less than a minute ago via TweetDeckTom Royal
tomroyal

Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.

Deportation.

FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

ping @RacistWallaby RT @andyblume: LOL of the day: http://bit.ly/9ZdKjAless than a minute ago via Osfoora for iPhoneEvan Exsuburbia
Captainsuburbia

When will the authorities realize that tougher legislation is needed to keep Emus in line? I'm not biased against Emus, but they need stronger laws in place for their own protection.

Look at what happens when they're allowed out unsupervised.

A rampant emu chased children and reportedly reached speeds of 30kmh after it escaped from a farm in the Marlborough Sounds on Saturday.

You read that right, it was rampant. Rampant!

You might be inclined to dismiss the report as another "errant livestock causes fuss" article, but ask yourself why it was running so fast. The answer? Drugs, obviously.

Unsupervised Emus have proven time and time again that when left to their own devices, they engage in risky behaviour like recreational drug use, and I'm not even going to mention the carnal designs it most likely had in mind when it started running after those children.

They just can't be trusted. Something should be done.

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

LIKENESS

Anyone would have thought that Bandicoot was the nanny! Why did she take it so personally? #touchy #verminless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That baby didn't look like a Bandicoot, and I really think that's the heart of the issue here.

Look, if you see a Bandicoot out and about, tending to a baby that clearly isn't purebred Bandicoot, it's natural to assume that you're seeing the help out for a stroll with the family's newest addition. Anyone would think that, and I really didn't deserve that kind of response from her just for implying that the baby wasn't hers.

If you ask me, she went on the offensive so quickly because she's embarrassed by who the father is. Look, just because you couldn't find a proper Bandicoot husband, that's no reason to take it out on me.

A LIKELY STORY

Sure it wasn't an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident? #YouKnowHowTheyAre RT @andrewbolt A crocodile head in my bed. Bob Katter's calling cardless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Here's the thing: Bolt may think it was Katter, but he's ignoring the crocodile's more unsavoury proclivities.

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just saying that it wouldn't have been the first crocodile to have been killed in an unfortunate auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.

The fact that it was his bed implicates Mr. Bolt in no way, either. It's widely known that crocs enjoy a bit of bawdy horseplay more if they're somewhere that they can get caught.