Theme Weeks: A Good Idea?

I was in my yard the other day posting "BANDICOOTS NOT WANTED" signs, as you do, when it struck me how often things happen in cycles.

First you're telling Potoroos to stop leaving their used drug needles just lying about, then you see some Potoroos downtown begging for change (that they're clearly just going to spend on more drugs), and then you read about the police busting up a massive underground Potoroo drug ring.

Then you notice that your Quoll neighbour has an unusually large number of "gentleman callers," and after that you're downtown and some quoll propositions you, and then you're in a public toilet with — look, that last bit's not important. The thing is that there always seems to be some sort of pattern going on, so I thought I'd try some theme weeks on Twitter.

You may have noticed it with my #bookweek tag last week. Everyone knows how Squirrels don't have any use for literature, and Wombats are as likely to deface a book as open it, but have you ever stopped and thought about how the way they treat books reflects on their respective species as a whole? I found the exercise to be quite illuminating.

This week, I'll be looking at the different ways that they handle money (or can't handle it in some cases — LOOKING AT YOU, PADEMELONS). What do you think? Any thoughts, or suggestions for future topics?

FALSE FLAGS

Sometimes you have to look at the story behind the story if you really want to know what's going on in the world today.

Take, for example, this incendiary discussion of some allegedly anti-Koala stickers that was brought to my attention by @AnzacJack.

"Car stickers suggesting people should eat koalas have outraged environmental groups, the RSPCA and politicians in Brisbane."

"The stickers and slogan sparked debate on Fairfax Radio 4BC, prompting state MP for Cleveland Mark Robinson to phone in and condemn them."

"RSPCA Queensland spokesman Michael Beatty said he had received about 15 complaints about the stickers, which he claimed were a political ploy.
'These stickers are very irresponsible and are sending out the wrong message, which is contrary to the message from all the conservation groups and animal welfare organisations, such as the RSPCA,' Mr Beatty said.

Yes, it is a political ploy Mr. Beatty, and you're falling for it like a one-legged Pademelon on a Friday night.

The stickers have been designed, marketed, and distributed by the Koalas from the start.

Anything to get their name in the papers, even if it's controversial. Especially if it's controversial. And this? Well, by playing the victim they can continue to leech off of social assistance programmes without anyone opposing them. Look at another figure from the article:

"Redland City Council spent A$193,000 on a koala communication strategy which included a Facebook page and a communication officer"

And what's the council doing now? Spending more time, more money, and more effort on publicizing the "plight" of the Koala, encouraging people to give them more handouts and to hold them less accountable. The whole thing shits me to tears, and the unintentional irony in most of the quotes just makes it worse.

"It's just a political ploy that is going to backfire."

If only, Mr. Beatty. If only.

BEST NEWS OF THE DAY

What's not to love about this story of a Wallaby on the mend? "Connie Concrete" was nearly blinded in a so-called "construction mishap" last month, but she looks to be recovering nicely.

The story has two of my favourite things: a Wallaby's triumph over adversity, and the incompetence of the Platypus mafia on display for the world to see.

Oh, they're not mentioned overtly in the article, but this story has the clumsy, webbed fingerprints of that pack of vermin all over it.

"Concrete was accidentally poured on to [Connie] after she became stuck in a deep hole at a building site in Tewantin."

If she wasn't deliberately placed in that hole by hired Platypus goons, then I'm a Pademelon with a steroid abuse problem.

I'm not sure what she did to cross the mob, but seeing as no Wallaby would ever be involved in some of the usual misadventures that they try to resolve in this fashion (dispute over unpaid gambling debts, dealing drugs in their territory, etc.), I'm confident that she must be some sort of defence witness, probably for an important murder trial or something.

INDISTIGUISHABLE

Generally, I don't follow developments in the wine world — I'm not one of those Pademelon wine snobs who fusses over the cork — but I'm troubled by allegations raised in some row between U.S. and Australian wine companies:

The Wine Group of San Francisco caused uproar by releasing a Little Roo label which is strikingly similar to Casella Wines' Yellow Tail, featuring a wallaby. [...] Wallabies, Casella Wines contends, are "indistinguishable to most people" from kangaroos.

Indistinguishable?

What's not to distinguish? The Wallaby's regal bearing? Its grace? Its regard for personal hygiene? (To be an accurate representation, I would imagine that the Kangaroo picture is accompanied by a cloud of buzzing flies, and possibly a few stench lines to drive the point home.)

Do you honestly expect me to believe that people can't tell that — unlike the Kangaroo — the Wallaby is NOT hopping out of the gutter on his way to the bottle shop for another day of drinking away his government assistance cheque?

It's the simplest thing in the world to tell the two creatures apart. One is a quiet, respectful marsupial, and the other resorts to violence at the first opportunity.

I don't know which I would find more offensive, that Casella is assuming that the public at large is as ignorant and inattentive to detail as they are, or that the general public could harbour such a shameful lack of awareness.

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

IN NUMBERS

Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Singular)
(Plural/variant)
(Mass Noun)

Bandicoot
Bandicoots
A Rubbish of Bandicoots

Dingo
Dingoes/Dingos
A Crack Den of Dingoes

Echidna
Pederasts
A Gang of Pederasts

Kangaroo
Kangaroos
A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

Koala
Koalas
A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
_{*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.}

Numbat
Numbats
A Mafia of Numbats

Pademelon
Pademelons
A Mistake of Pademelons

Platypus
Vermin
A Pack of Vermin

Possum
Possums
A Crime Wave of Possums

Wallaby
Wallabies/Wallabys
A Salvation of Wallabies

Wombat
Wombats
A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

IN THE NEWS

1 year on, I still don't believe these Wallaby crop circle reports. A Dunnart frame-up? http://ow.ly/1VQaA #stoner #verminless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Wallaby treatment in the media is so unfair. Take this example from last year. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for the story about Wallaby “crop circles”; maybe it was lads having a good time, or some Pademelons with a thyroid condition, or even a Kangaroo in a false moustache. But does anyone try to find out the truth of the matter? No.

Instead, the media fallout from the event made the government shift resources from the Wallabies that needed it most to give a bunch of bloody penguins some posh bodyguard treatment with trained snipers. One year on, and I’m still upset about how the whole mess was handled.