THE USUAL CULPRITS

When I read about violent assaults and attempted home invasions, I'm never surprised to see that a Kangaroo's behind it all. That's why I found recent reports of a Kangaroo beating an elderly pensioner to be sad but not unexpected.

These attacks are only going to stop when the public realises the true scope of the Kangaroo menace. In the meantime, there are three things you can do personally to keep safe from attack:

• Be suspicious of any Kangaroo who claims to have a job. It turns out that in this latest attack, the Kangaroo posed as an employee of the electric company and got the homeowner to let her guard down by claiming that he had come to read the meter. 
• Never buy magazine subscriptions from Kangaroos. Once you give money to one of them, their whole bloody gossip network spreads the word that you're a soft touch. Buy magazines from one of them today and you'll see them queuing up tomorrow to sell you more magazines, along with wrapping paper, cookies, and all manner of unwanted junk.
• Never give money to Kangaroos for any reason. One of my mates, who was ignorant of the first two rules, got taken to the cleaners by some Kangaroo builders who promised him a new roof. All they wanted was some cash up front for "supplies." Needless to say, they took off with the money and now he's out several hundred dollars and still needs a new roof.

And while we're on the subject of rubbish freeloaders who refuse to work for a living, did you see how Phyllis Johnson, the victim, was left in the lurch by what should have been "man's best friend"? From the article:

"Not even the dog would help, it was too frightened."

Frightened, my tail! He was probably hoping the Kangaroo finished her off so he could loot the house and nick her jewellery. Don't trust Kangaroos, and don't expect a dog to have your back in a tight spot.

ADMISSION OF GUILT

Nah. I was out for blood. #wouldveduffedupthenoisybastard RT @AcerbicLemon: The duck just wants to play! http://tiny.cc/58i1hless than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyWhistlingduck
whistlingduck

I knew it! Video evidence such as this can be ambiguous at times, so it's always good to have independent confirmation of the ruffian's motives.



I don't know why it so often seems acceptable to use Twitter as a medium for bullying and violent threats, but you can be sure that I'm taking it all down in case I need to provide evidence in court later.

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

HARDLY

@paddybts @RacistWallaby A seeing eye wombat would be great on crowded city footpaths.less than a minute ago via webern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

Great for dragging you into every bar, brothel, and other den of vice within walking distance, you mean! The only direction that a Wombat will lead you in is one that goes down the path to liver failure, poverty, and venereal disease.

However, there may be something to the idea of using animals besides dogs for assistance. I understand that they're giving seeing eye ponies a go, with mixed results.

I haven't always been a fan of horses, and still maintain that they're as lazy as the day is long, but it might remind some of the more irresponsible seeing eye dogs that they're easily replaceable, and that they'd better watch their step if they know what's good for 'em.