DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

LESSONS LEARNT

Do not waste a duck's time with your yellow corn tortillas. #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

You'd be hard-pressed to find a more ungrateful bastard than a duck queued up for a handout. As though charity is a god-given right! They're the first in line to collect assistance, and the first to complain about its "inadequacy," as well.

And what do they do with the public's largesse?

Duck parents are worthless. #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

That's right, they waste it all on plasma TVs and Winnie Blues. But it's not like their children need to be looked after.

Baby ducks are fighters! (?) #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

Baby ducks (or "ducklings," in the Queen's English) are some of the most brutal, bloodthirsty ruffians on the planet.

BUSY LOAFING ABOUT

How busy are bees? To make a one-pound comb of honey, bees must collect nectar from about two million flowers (via http://www.arcamax.com)less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyBrownSquirrel
BrownSquirrel

Rubbish!

"Bees" are busy? Try again. It's the hard-working taxpayer that's doing all the work! This nectar business of theirs is just a glorified hobby.

Bees only have all that free time to buzz about meadows, lounging on various flower blossoms, because of the generous unemployment benefits they're collecting from the government, which in turn has gotten its money by picking our pockets.

Oh, and the phrase "Welfare queen?" Let's be honest, people who use it mean "Welfare queen bee."

RIGHT YOU ARE!

If this isn't a metaphor for bees and their relationship with social services I don't know what is http://bit.ly/moTKCwless than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet ReplyLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

Indeed, the only image that better depicts the way those fat, freeloading bludgers leech off the welfare system — so they can lay about their hives all day fiddling with wax and vomiting — would be the picture of a lamprey's open mouth.

Anyone who claims there's so much as a single hard worker to be found in the insect kingdom is just spouting rubbish. Remember, just because I've said in the past that I respect locusts, that doesn't mean I think we should emulate them.

OPINIONATED

Dear @RacistWallaby, I would be interested in your opinion of this: http://bit.ly/iiUOC2. Yours Sincerely, Annasonic.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Replyanna
annasonic

Hmm. What is my opinion of the Wombat Hilton, where "Sixteen wombats loll about under the care of retirees Manfred and Helen Heide"?

My opinion of it is that these sort of establishments, well-intentioned as they may be, are doing grave harm to the Wombat community. Shelters like this for "orphaned and injured" wombats only encourage them to engage in risky behaviour to sustain injury that they can capitalise on, or — in extreme cases — incite them to patricide. Well, matricide, mostly, since Wombat fathers are notorious deadbeats who refuse to help raise their children.

I'm sure that Aidan McLindon agrees with me when I say that these sorts of facilities need to encourage Wombats to go back to the wild and stop subsisting on handouts. The Dreamworld theme park in Queensland is having similar problems with bludging wombats, specifically with Coco, its own Wombat welfare queen:

"She's basically a big fat wombat who loves her tucker," park curator Julia Leonard said. "She's a bit of a sook really"

Personally, I think it's a flaw in their genetic makeup that compels them to look for the easy way out and avoid doing real work.

Why, just this past Anzac day, While we were celebrating our brave diggers and their heroic contributions to this great nation's history, they were watching Private's Progress and taking notes on better ways to rort the system.

Dedicated "to all those who got away with it," indeed!

LAST WORDS

I love our welfare system and that we as a society help those amongst us who are most needy, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

WHY INDEED, MR. WOMBAT? RT @wombat1974 I love our welfare system, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Stupid intolerant macropodsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Rubbish burrowing welfare cheats!less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I think I have it worked out. Macropods are just upset that Vombatii make their own homes instead of waiting for gov't handoutsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Living under a pile of your own empty liquor bottles is hardly "building a home"! #WombatArchitectureless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Don't mind me. I'm just going to leave this here.

REJOICE

The Mouse caught in trap was singing reggae and on closer inspection wearing a headscarf. Sorry kids, I think Rastamouse is dead.less than a minute ago via webmcckate
mcckate

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say!

Mice like that are a terrible influence on impressionable young Joeys. Their hideous music, appalling personal hygiene, and recreational drug use set exactly the wrong sort of example. The sooner you're rid of them, the better.

Of course, mice are also notorious for merely overdoing it and ending up in a near-catatonic stupor for days at a time. I'd hold off on the rejoicing until you're sure he's really dead, or else you'll think later that you're being visited by a tiny zombie with a ferocious case of "the munchies."

COULD BE WORSE

As much as I may grumble about boat people, every day I thank God above that our land—girt by the sea—is provided with a natural barrier to thwart bludgers, layabouts, and shiftless Elk that would otherwise swarm our country to suckle the public teat dry. I can only imagine how bad it would be living on one of the other continents, especially ones that are notorious for having porous borders granting free passage to all manner of undesirables.

For example, take this recent story of an undocumented immigrant who stowed away on a railway car:

An adventurous ferret was recently found in Edinburgh after taking the train all the way from London. The ferret, who has been dubbed Mickey, was spotted by staff at Haymarket train station in the Scottish capital at 7pm on Monday and was handed to animal welfare charity the SPCA, which is looking to reunite the creature with its owner.

If you ask me, the Scottish authorities have been too soft on him. All you have to do is bat your eyelashes and pretend to be lost and suddenly it's all soft beds and hot meals?

"Mickey is very friendly, suggesting he is a pet."

Rubbish! Of course he's friendly! You've given him an all-access pass to your social assistance programmes. It's only a matter of time before he signs up for the dole and raises a family of little pickpockets.

So, thank God we don't have to deal with train people, and thanks to @danaminter for bringing this story to my attention.

INDISTIGUISHABLE

Generally, I don't follow developments in the wine world — I'm not one of those Pademelon wine snobs who fusses over the cork — but I'm troubled by allegations raised in some row between U.S. and Australian wine companies:

The Wine Group of San Francisco caused uproar by releasing a Little Roo label which is strikingly similar to Casella Wines' Yellow Tail, featuring a wallaby. [...] Wallabies, Casella Wines contends, are "indistinguishable to most people" from kangaroos.

Indistinguishable?

What's not to distinguish? The Wallaby's regal bearing? Its grace? Its regard for personal hygiene? (To be an accurate representation, I would imagine that the Kangaroo picture is accompanied by a cloud of buzzing flies, and possibly a few stench lines to drive the point home.)

Do you honestly expect me to believe that people can't tell that — unlike the Kangaroo — the Wallaby is NOT hopping out of the gutter on his way to the bottle shop for another day of drinking away his government assistance cheque?

It's the simplest thing in the world to tell the two creatures apart. One is a quiet, respectful marsupial, and the other resorts to violence at the first opportunity.

I don't know which I would find more offensive, that Casella is assuming that the public at large is as ignorant and inattentive to detail as they are, or that the general public could harbour such a shameful lack of awareness.

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

INDEPENDENCE

Motherhood is a rare and wonderful thing, and I am outraged by those who would assault its sanctity, particuarly in the case of this Katherine mother of twins.

Here we have a single mother of two, struggling to make her way in the world (and note that her husband has clearly been killed in a tragedy, for nothing less than death could induce a Wallaby to abandon his wife and children), and people are accusing her of living off handouts. All because of a few lines from the article:

Ms Enright said her husband Garry phoned while she was in hospital having twins with news Matilda had come back.

She had learnt to open the screen door herself and had proceeded straight to the fridge.

First of all, the shoddy sentence structure makes it entirely possible that they were talking about Ms Enright being able to open the screen door.

Assuming that the naysayers are correct, and that it was in fact the enterprising young Wallaby mother who had availed herself of the refrigerator's contents, I would argue that this is the height of self-sufficiency.

She's not collecting from the government, she's not bludging about and screaming for handouts, she's getting up on her own two feet — taking her twins with her — and showing resourcefulness and adaptability in claiming what she needs for her family's survival.

Besides, have you ever tried to open one of those screen doors? It's bloody hard work!

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

SCIENCE

Well fancy that RT @wattsupwiththat: Polar bears no longer on 'thin ice': researchers say they cld face bright future http://wp.me/p7y4l-7M9less than a minute ago via TweetDeckMiranda Devine
mirandadevine

Well, that's all the evidence I need. Any complaints you hear about global warming from this point on are just the discontented rumblings of Polar Bears who are just trying to play on public sympathies for cash payouts.

If you ask me, our science research dollars should be spent on important things, like finding a pouch enhancer that really works! Not like those ones that just take your money and leave you sad and disappointed!

SUPERNATURAL

It's just like those horses to take a story about the time they were too lazy to do their jobs properly and craft it into a legend. Have a look at The Legend of Macha:

This legend consists of a woman of unknown origin, most likely divine, who marries a widower, Crunniuc. She is a skilled runner, and her husband brags to the king, Conchobor, that she can outrun his horses.

Irritated by his boasting, the king forces Macha to race his horses, even though she is very pregnant, close to giving birth. She pleads for a postponement of the bet, but the king will not concede. She races and ends up outrunning the king's horses.

These horses were responsible for pulling the king's chariot. There's a job that could have been done by any number of suitable quadrupeds — bears, sheep, even some especially determined hedgehogs — and instead it goes to horses, because of patronage and racial bias. I reckon they got the job because their fathers were horses.

And do those horses actually use this opportunity to earn an honest living? No. They bludge about while some banged-up sheila carrying twins shames them in a humiliating public defeat.

After a spectacle like that, only horses would have the gall to mosey back to the king's stables and live out the rest of their lives gorging themselves at the government's trough. It wasn't their fault, see? It was magic what did them in.