TRUTH WILL OUT

RT @dr_krystal: Bacteria from a wallaby's gut reduce methane production via @breakfasters http://t.co/SzG5p5sless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyNick Evershed
NickEvershed

RT @TenMorningNews QLD scientists discover wallaby farts are eco-friendly. Insert your own headline here.....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

The animal or the football team?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDenise Cook
SpudBenBean

The animal. I suspect the team produce something far more polluting!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyTEN Morning News
TenMorningNews

This has been common knowledge for AGES, but it's one of those things that the Platypus-controlled media doesn't want you to know. We've always done our part to combat global warming and the generation of greenhouse gasses, so it's good to see Wallabies finally getting their due.

I can't begin to describe how humiliating it is to be run off some farmer's property just because he doesn't realise the vital service that you're performing for the environment.

To say nothing of the brave Wallabies who gave their lives combating the pollution generated by aircraft on the Katherine runway. Instead of a commendation and full state funerals for our fallen comrades, the Katherine Wallabies were greeted with fences and cull programmes. It's shameful, really.

Still, it's nice that we're finally getting some recognition. If any major media outlets are interested, I am of course available for interview.

TOLERABLE

@RacistWallaby So what is the race that you can tolerate the most? Who causes you the least consternation?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDavid Houghton
turb05

Wallabies, obviously.

Of course, you might hear a load of rubbish from some people who would suggest that I have an unhealthy fascination with Kangaroos, but it's a complete fabrication.

I think it's a misunderstanding based on one time last year when my account was hacked. I certainly don't visit Kangaroo-themed websites or place personals ads in the newspapers looking for anonymous Kangaroo hookups.

I don't do anything like that at all.

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

NOT GUILTY

Fred Nile has blamed #TCYasi and the Qld floods on the number of gay wallabies in Australia.less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Well, I certainly don't know anything about it!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but I am sick and tired of addressing these rumours.

Last Wednesday my friends Esteban, Francois, and Eduardo came over to help me move my couch. That's why there was so much grunting and heavy breathing.

And on Friday, I was doing all that moaning because I had an upset stomach after eating some bad spinach. My friend Rinaldo came over because he heard that I was unwell.

I really think it's deplorable the way some people will take the kindness of a concerned Wallaby and twist it into sordid rumours and innuendoes.

If anything, it was probably those Kangaroos. You know how they carry on in public toilets!

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

I worry that it is the Wallabies who will "enforce" the law. Macropods are well known for accepting kick-backs!less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

I am OUTRAGED at your suggestion that I'd accept bribes like a common Dingo. It's all "charitable donations."less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Wallabies have never sunk to dingo tactics of mugging you use skill, slight of hand, hypnotics and charity tinsless than a minute ago via EchofonCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

My question has always been "Which agency approved "The Wallaby Early Retirement Fund" as a charity?less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Well, the retirement fund is actually an old money laundering scam. The wallibies take a % of the 'donations'!less than a minute ago via EchofonCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

That has happened since time immemorial. What has changed is that they now take over 90%!less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Hmm there is the wallaby red-cross and several other agencies that do only charitable duties. They reformedless than a minute ago via EchofonCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

The Wallaby Red Cross is one of those charity fronts!less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

To set the record straight, the Wallaby Red Cross and the Wallaby Retirement Fund are both fine charitable institutions that deserve as much as you can spare. In fact, I've half a mind to put up contribution buttons for them on this blog!

In the meantime, you may have noticed the unfair treatment I have received in the press lately, all because some disgruntled Koala has stolen some photos of a rather personal nature and has been using them in a vindictive smear campaign as some sort of misguided attempt at payback for offences that were ENTIRELY IMAGINED.

I can assure you that I am the victim in this circumstance, regardless of any rumours you may hear to the contrary involving underage pregnancies and the assault of a Koala while under the influence of intoxicating substances. Even if these rubbish allegations were true, you must realise that the Koala was asking for it.

NOT LIKE THIS

@RacistWallaby At least the good doctors believe you have the X factor.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckCaptain Howdy
HamburgerMartyr

You know what I'm sick of? Those rubbish monotremes and their constant "oooh, we lay eggs, we're special, SQUANDER GOVERNMENT FUNDS STUDYING US" nonsense.

I used to think it was the worst thing imaginable, seeing them hijack the scientific process and waste valuable time researching what amounts to little more than party trivia. There's so much more to be learned about Wallabies!

I used to pray that just one scientist, just one research study would turn the tide and start to give Wallabies the attention they deserve. I thought that would fix things.

I was very, very wrong.

THREAT

Lordy. 260 all out. Knew we shouldn't write Australia off. A wounded wallaby us a dangerous thing. Ho hum. Business as usual. #theashesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPadStephen Fry
stephenfry

For Mr. Fry's sake, I can only hope that this word choice is some type of sick coincidence, and not a deliberate reference to the events of last June. (Incidentally, I've healed up quite nicely since then, thanks for asking.) What transpired on the 11th and its ensuing aftermath made for a fortnight that was anything but "business as usual."

Personally, I think it has to be a coincidence. He wasn't there, and none of the other parties involved are still available for comment. I was quite thorough in cleaning up afterwards, and very conscientious about making sure that all of the video evidence was destroyed.

However, Mr. Fry, if you are attempting some sort of public intimidation or extortion scheme, I would recommend that you make quite sure that you can handle the consequences. A wounded ego can be just as motivating as a double compound fracture, and that Dingo ended up spread across four different time zones.

IRISH OUTRAGE

First, I'm in a state over the way that the Irish press favours lurid headlines over actual fact-based reporting, as is evident from their coverage of the "Wallaby Dies After Being Plied with Ecstasy and Drink at Birthday Disco" story:

"Orla Aungier, [Dublin Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] DSPCA operations manager, said the marsupial was more likely a wallaby than a small kangaroo, because they are easier to buy in Ireland.

'At some point during the party, what we believe to be a wallaby was brought on to the dance floor and it was being handled as Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was played loud as the back track,' she said."

The whole thing is a tangled mess of allegations and scandal leaving me unsure of what to think, since all the Garda have to go on at the moment is some CCTV footage and a Facebook video—no body, and no evidence of drug abuse beyond some unidentified witness accounts that sound more like rumour. Although they have made great strides in eradicating racism in that country, it becomes a bit of a thorny problem when race is actually a relevant issue.

Maybe it was a Kangaroo after all. This kind of irresponsible carousing and drug-related overdosing is exactly what I'd expect from one of them.

What makes my blood run cold is the possibility that it was actually a Wallaby involved. Having a drink or two with your new marsupial friend is one thing, but manhandling him to the tune of "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo"? That's monstrous, and inhuman. That's the real issue here: not drugs, not alcohol, but the wilful and negligent emotional damage inflicted on this innocent Wallaby by deliberately drawing the comparison with a Kangaroo.

If this was indeed a Wallaby at the disco, I'm sure that everyone will agree with me when I say that the Garda need to use the video evidence in their possession to track down the responsible parties and prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. Honestly, I'd turn a blind eye if they chose to take things a few metres beyond the law, if you follow me.

If it was a Kangaroo—well, this is the part where I'm supposed to say that we should pray it gets the kind of substance abuse intervention that it needs to become a productive member of society once again, but we all know that some of society's basest elements are beyond help.

SHUFFLES FOR PM

#FF Look, when @mistershuffles becomes Prime Minister, I think we will all agree that racism in this country is over.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Shuffles for PM! That’s my opinion, if you were wondering.

Incidentally, I am shocked and disappointed to hear the rumours that I am only endorsing @MisterShuffles because my position as foreign minister in his cabinet would give me sweeping powers to crack down on Gibbons and other undesirables.

So shocked, in fact, that I shall decline to address them.