STABBED IN THE BACK

@ClimateElephant If I win you have a standing invitation to come to meet with me in Parliament House for a chat and a cuddle. JG #ausvotesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJulia Gillard
JuliaGillard

I'm as shocked to read that as you are, I'm sure.

Honestly, I thought she was keeping silent on the Dugong issue to avoid problems like the ones @TurnbullMalcolm encountered when he dared to give an honest opinion about squirrels. At the very least, I thought she'd try to maintain impartiality given her position, and here she is consorting with an Elephant. Shocking.

Mind you, it's not the climate change message I'm opposed to. I'd be right there giving them my full support if they had gone with a climate change Wallaby.

No, I'm upset that this message is being relayed by an lephant, some of the most notorious scolds imaginable. It's true, they never forget, and they never let you forget, either. Did something silly once upon a time, when you were having a night out with the lads? Maybe you'd forgotten about it, but there's always an Elephant lurking around the corner, just waiting for a chance to remind you.

NOT ANTI-JAPANESE

@JC_Andrews Mention how the Bandicoots spied for the Japanese in exchange for all the rice wine they could drink (tonnes)less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people have questioned my specific mention of "rice wine" in this statement as derogatory, but it's entirely defensible.

After all, if you're an alcoholic who is looking to be paid in booze, what would you expect to get from the Land of the Rising Sun? Not vodka, ouzo, or shandies, certainly.

A LIKELY STORY

Sure it wasn't an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident? #YouKnowHowTheyAre RT @andrewbolt A crocodile head in my bed. Bob Katter's calling cardless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Here's the thing: Bolt may think it was Katter, but he's ignoring the crocodile's more unsavoury proclivities.

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just saying that it wouldn't have been the first crocodile to have been killed in an unfortunate auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.

The fact that it was his bed implicates Mr. Bolt in no way, either. It's widely known that crocs enjoy a bit of bawdy horseplay more if they're somewhere that they can get caught.

HAXORED

How do Kangaroos keep their fur so soft and silky smooth? #DoNotTweetThis #SecretDesireless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I'm tired of people reading so much into a single tweet. This wasn't mine, I didn't type it, and somebody clearly hacked my Twitter account.

I'm a victim here!

NOT A PUNCHLINE

They can, they just want your help so they can nick your wallet while you're distracted @Captainsuburbia why can't wombats cross the road?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@Captainsuburbia has noticed one of the more heartrending aspects of the Wombat lifestyle. They’re all addicted to drugs, and feed their addiction by stealing from kind — but inattentive — passers-by.

The tragic part of the cycle comes when they eventually lose control and succumb to a lethal overdose; then their comrades display the bodies by the roadside to make it look like a traffic accident, effectively shaming more motorists into stopping to offer “assistance.”

The next time you stop to help a Wombat cross the road, check to see if his pupils are dilated first.

NOT A BIGOT

@crazyspeak I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. HOW MANY #TOKENFRIENDS MUST I PRODUCE BEFORE YOU STOP CALLING ME RACIST?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Again with the accusations of racism!

How much is it going to take to satisfy you people? I know a duck, a goat, some cats, a squirrel, a hippo, and even an elephant. Isn’t that enough?

A PEOPLE'S POLITICIAN

@RacistWallaby well in that case I don't like squirrels!less than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®Malcolm Turnbull
TurnbullMalcolm

That's the kind of clear thinking I like to see in government!

True, he later issued an apology after he was pressured by vocal pro-squirrel activists, but I think we all know where his sympathies really lie.

I just regret that he ever had to apologize in the first place. I can’t help but feel partially responsible, since liberals in the Emu-controlled media were all too quick to accuse @TurnbullMalcolm of consorting with Wallaby supremacists.