Theme Weeks: A Good Idea?

I was in my yard the other day posting "BANDICOOTS NOT WANTED" signs, as you do, when it struck me how often things happen in cycles.

First you're telling Potoroos to stop leaving their used drug needles just lying about, then you see some Potoroos downtown begging for change (that they're clearly just going to spend on more drugs), and then you read about the police busting up a massive underground Potoroo drug ring.

Then you notice that your Quoll neighbour has an unusually large number of "gentleman callers," and after that you're downtown and some quoll propositions you, and then you're in a public toilet with — look, that last bit's not important. The thing is that there always seems to be some sort of pattern going on, so I thought I'd try some theme weeks on Twitter.

You may have noticed it with my #bookweek tag last week. Everyone knows how Squirrels don't have any use for literature, and Wombats are as likely to deface a book as open it, but have you ever stopped and thought about how the way they treat books reflects on their respective species as a whole? I found the exercise to be quite illuminating.

This week, I'll be looking at the different ways that they handle money (or can't handle it in some cases — LOOKING AT YOU, PADEMELONS). What do you think? Any thoughts, or suggestions for future topics?

FITTING ENDS

Hey @RacistWallaby Your opinion of Koalas, please?less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyWolfie Rankin
Wolfie_Rankin

I'd be happy to give you an earful about Koalas--the problem is figuring out where to start!

For one thing, their shoddy attempt at re-branding by calling themselves Koala BEARS is complete rubbish. They're just linking themselves to a gang of embezzlers, fraudsters, and tax cheats. As if they had the work ethic!

The idea of a "Koala bear" actually being related to bears is as preposterous and fictional as those stories about Pademelons who'd rather be working at real jobs instead of cashing their unemployment assistance cheques.

Then there's the drug abuse. If you can show me a Koala that isn't stoned out of its mind for more than five minutes on any given day, I'll show you... Well, I'd be able to show you a unicorn and a cane toad with a valid guest worker permit, since you've obviously opened some sort of portal to a land full of mythical creatures.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the rampant Chlamydia that is killing them off. I've got mixed feelings on this one; obviously I don't harbour enough ill will towards Koalas to wish them dead, but my hands are tied: the Pope has given some very clear guidance on whether it is acceptable to use condoms for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.

Until they're willing to give up their depraved and hedonistic lifestyle, Koalas will just have to suffer God's punishment.

HA HA HA

@RacistWallaby wow, strange picture. It makes you look like a red kangaroo! I thought you'd be trying to distance yourself from them. )less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyJKRLMazur
JKRLMazur

I'm quite certain I have no idea what you're talking about.

My avatar is now, and has always been, a pleasing shade of grey commonly associated with wallaby fur, the cooled ashes of last night's campfire, and rational thought.

My avatar is not now—and has never been—any other colour that could possibly be confused with that of a Red Kangaroo.

And I would certainly never be involved in anything that could be misconstrued as trolling for steamy, lurid, and anonymous Kangaroo sex.

Unless it's a joke? Yes, that must be it.

HA HA HA. GOOD ONE, MATE! WOULDN'T THAT BE A LAUGH? ME, LOOKING LIKE A KANGAROO!

REJOICE

The Mouse caught in trap was singing reggae and on closer inspection wearing a headscarf. Sorry kids, I think Rastamouse is dead.less than a minute ago via webmcckate
mcckate

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say!

Mice like that are a terrible influence on impressionable young Joeys. Their hideous music, appalling personal hygiene, and recreational drug use set exactly the wrong sort of example. The sooner you're rid of them, the better.

Of course, mice are also notorious for merely overdoing it and ending up in a near-catatonic stupor for days at a time. I'd hold off on the rejoicing until you're sure he's really dead, or else you'll think later that you're being visited by a tiny zombie with a ferocious case of "the munchies."

FOXES

Law enforcement authorities have long known that where a den of Foxes is to be found, a meth lab can't be far behind.

In addition to seeing elevated rates of burglaries, robberies, and sexual assault, neighbourhoods hosting a new family of these furred vermin have to deal with unsightly piles of rubbish and music blasting at all hours.

The Vulpesian menace is most keenly felt by pharmacies, who regularly face petty thefts, con jobs, and outright assaults in order to secure the cold medicine needed to supply the Foxes' drug manufacturing labs.

The only thing sadder than the damage they can do is the pitiful state of a Fox who has gone into withdrawal. Here's one who has forlornly returned to a meth lab that was recently shut down by police, desperate for any sort of fix:

OBVIOUS FALSEHOOD

“@HuffPostGreen: Drunk owl taken in by police http://huff.to/dSSCdt” Will we see his mugshot at @hungoverowls?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneBarbara
helpanelephant

As far as I'm concerned, this is a complete non-story. Owls are drunk? What next, reports that the sun rises in East? That the tide came in?

If you ask me, the important part of the article is its insistence on repeating the myth about Wallabies getting high on opium poppies. I would hardly take one or two anecdotal stories as empirical scientific data showing a regular pattern. Why does the mainstream media insist on persecuting Wallabies?

I'm sure that former governor of Alaska and one-time vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin knows exactly what I'm talking about when I say that this is a blatant case of poppy libel.

MOTIVATED

Thank God we don't give those Russian Quokkas tourist visas. http://tinyurl.com/4lx2xv6less than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

The accompanying video almost says it all:



What they didn't mention, and really need to disclose, is that they aren't that aggressive all the time.

Only when they're defending their meth labs.

FUTILITY

Trying to explain to Lil that 'numbat' and 'wombat' are different words and different animals...less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneKate
thepurple8

Talk about a thankless job! Sure, you could explain how Wombats and Numbats are different, but it's not like you can trust either of them with your car keys.

Fine, the two have different diets. Well, I can tell you firsthand that they have similar appetites for malt liquor and methamphetamines!

The only real difference is that the nocturnal one breaks into your house while you're asleep, and the diurnal one waits until you've left for work.

So you could explain that they're separate animals, but why bother? Once you're done, can you really say you've made the world a better place?

FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

ping @RacistWallaby RT @andyblume: LOL of the day: http://bit.ly/9ZdKjAless than a minute ago via Osfoora for iPhoneEvan Exsuburbia
Captainsuburbia

When will the authorities realize that tougher legislation is needed to keep Emus in line? I'm not biased against Emus, but they need stronger laws in place for their own protection.

Look at what happens when they're allowed out unsupervised.

A rampant emu chased children and reportedly reached speeds of 30kmh after it escaped from a farm in the Marlborough Sounds on Saturday.

You read that right, it was rampant. Rampant!

You might be inclined to dismiss the report as another "errant livestock causes fuss" article, but ask yourself why it was running so fast. The answer? Drugs, obviously.

Unsupervised Emus have proven time and time again that when left to their own devices, they engage in risky behaviour like recreational drug use, and I'm not even going to mention the carnal designs it most likely had in mind when it started running after those children.

They just can't be trusted. Something should be done.

GANGLAND

Sea lion found shot in head. http://bit.ly/atYqZTless than a minute ago via TweetDeckABC News
abcnews

It was only a matter of time before it came to this.

Previous coverage has already confirmed that Sea Lion gangs in New Zealand are engaging in increasingly criminal behaviour. If the government doesn't take dramatic action soon, it's going to become a lawless warzone where even the Penguins are concerned for their safety.

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

IRISH OUTRAGE

First, I'm in a state over the way that the Irish press favours lurid headlines over actual fact-based reporting, as is evident from their coverage of the "Wallaby Dies After Being Plied with Ecstasy and Drink at Birthday Disco" story:

"Orla Aungier, [Dublin Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] DSPCA operations manager, said the marsupial was more likely a wallaby than a small kangaroo, because they are easier to buy in Ireland.

'At some point during the party, what we believe to be a wallaby was brought on to the dance floor and it was being handled as Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was played loud as the back track,' she said."

The whole thing is a tangled mess of allegations and scandal leaving me unsure of what to think, since all the Garda have to go on at the moment is some CCTV footage and a Facebook video—no body, and no evidence of drug abuse beyond some unidentified witness accounts that sound more like rumour. Although they have made great strides in eradicating racism in that country, it becomes a bit of a thorny problem when race is actually a relevant issue.

Maybe it was a Kangaroo after all. This kind of irresponsible carousing and drug-related overdosing is exactly what I'd expect from one of them.

What makes my blood run cold is the possibility that it was actually a Wallaby involved. Having a drink or two with your new marsupial friend is one thing, but manhandling him to the tune of "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo"? That's monstrous, and inhuman. That's the real issue here: not drugs, not alcohol, but the wilful and negligent emotional damage inflicted on this innocent Wallaby by deliberately drawing the comparison with a Kangaroo.

If this was indeed a Wallaby at the disco, I'm sure that everyone will agree with me when I say that the Garda need to use the video evidence in their possession to track down the responsible parties and prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. Honestly, I'd turn a blind eye if they chose to take things a few metres beyond the law, if you follow me.

If it was a Kangaroo—well, this is the part where I'm supposed to say that we should pray it gets the kind of substance abuse intervention that it needs to become a productive member of society once again, but we all know that some of society's basest elements are beyond help.

DRUG-RELATED

WELLINGTON (AFP) – An angry sea lion attacked a rowing boat in New Zealand's Otago Harbour, cracking the 40,000 dollar (30,000 US) vessel's hull, it was reported Thursday.

Sometimes, I think the news takes things too far in its quest to remain "impartial." Anyone can see what was really going on here.

It was drug-related.

I'm not saying that the sea lion was on drugs (because that would be redundant), I'm saying that this was about who had the right to sell drugs in the area. The Otago Peninsula is a particularly lucrative region for trade in illicit substances, with an abundance of clients that include the royal albatross, the yellow-eyed penguin (care to guess how its eyes got that way?), and assorted seals with their notorious appetites.

Sea lion cartels have controlled sales in the area for quite some time, and take a dim view of anyone challenging their monopoly.

"I saw this dark figure looming under the boat. I felt it hit and, seconds after, water came gushing up... it was panic stations," rower Matt Smail told the Otago Daily Times.

A word to the wise if you're going to be rowing in Otago Harbour: try not to look like a drug dealer. Sea lions don't take kindly to competition.

MISGUIDED

NZ Study: bells on cat collars could save half the wild birds: http://bit.ly/9LkGxrless than a minute ago via CoTweetNational Wildlife
NWF

The half not drinking themselves to death, apparently. Why do they insist on curtailing the freedoms enjoyed by cats when they need to address the larger problem stemming from the birds themselves?

If they were really serious about saving wild birds, they'd enact tougher laws about public drunkenness and restrict access to establishments where alcohol is served.

NOT A PUNCHLINE

They can, they just want your help so they can nick your wallet while you're distracted @Captainsuburbia why can't wombats cross the road?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@Captainsuburbia has noticed one of the more heartrending aspects of the Wombat lifestyle. They’re all addicted to drugs, and feed their addiction by stealing from kind — but inattentive — passers-by.

The tragic part of the cycle comes when they eventually lose control and succumb to a lethal overdose; then their comrades display the bodies by the roadside to make it look like a traffic accident, effectively shaming more motorists into stopping to offer “assistance.”

The next time you stop to help a Wombat cross the road, check to see if his pupils are dilated first.