TOLERABLE

@RacistWallaby So what is the race that you can tolerate the most? Who causes you the least consternation?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDavid Houghton
turb05

Wallabies, obviously.

Of course, you might hear a load of rubbish from some people who would suggest that I have an unhealthy fascination with Kangaroos, but it's a complete fabrication.

I think it's a misunderstanding based on one time last year when my account was hacked. I certainly don't visit Kangaroo-themed websites or place personals ads in the newspapers looking for anonymous Kangaroo hookups.

I don't do anything like that at all.

DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

PROPAGANDA

#qanda hyenas are silly...haven't you seen the Lion King?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replyruth allen
ours_de_panda

While we're on the subject of things that get right up my nose, that film has to be the most blatant piece of feline propaganda ever committed to film.

Granted, the Hyena complaints that they received a rough treatment at the hands of the scriptwriters are baseless rubbish — it's one of the most accurate portrayals you'll find — but the blatant glorification of the feline lifestyle and the suggestion that a bunch of overweight, flea-bitten tabbies with thyroid problems are some sort of savannah royalty is the most absurd nonsense in the history of western civilization.

And before you ask, this has nothing to do with the fact that I auditioned for the role of Simba. I was a natural for the part, but apparently the Horse bankers that control the purse strings and call the shots in Hollywood weren't ready for the gritty realism of my performance. Even though their shameless pursuit of the lowest common (feline) denominator's money has betrayed artistic realism, I can still condemn the film on an objective basis.

FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

HOSTAGE CRISIS

On Thursday, 19 May, a Wallaby abroad in Lyme Regis, UK, was detained without due process.

On the heels of this shocking rights violation, a Wallaby in Denham Springs, Louisiana, was arrested without a warrant the following weekend.

Neither has been granted access to legal counsel, and both are being held under conditions that I can only assume are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. I've already alerted Amnesty International about the situation.

In the meantime, in the absence of direction from the foreign minister, I shall be travelling to the U.K. and the United States to demand the release of these political detainees. My boss has only given me a week's time off from work (leave it to a Kookaburra to be completely unresponsive to a pair of international incidents), so it'll have to be a whirlwind tour.

I don't expect this to be easy, especially given the Americans' love of "enhanced interrogation techniques" and terrible track record with minorities in custody, but "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good Wallabies to do nothing"!

I'll be giving you regular status updates here.

HASHTAGS

This is the official page for updates and discussion about my rescue mission, from 28 May to 4 June.

Unfortunately, I expect limited access to Twitter whilst travelling. I'll be posting regularly to keep you from worrying, but I won't be able to respond to inquiries.

You can check my twitter page for the latest updates, and I'll be using the #WallabyRescue hashtag.

DOMESTIC

I hate Portuguese Millipedes. They invade my home when it's raining and I don't appreciate it! How can I get rid of them?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyMelissa Kelly
MelKKelly

Portuguese Millipedes? Usually I call immigration and have them deported.

In the meantime, check your neighbours. Are there any Dingos living nearby? They like nothing better than to show off by getting some Millipedes to work as domestics.

“Oh, we have our carcasses stripped by Portuguese Millipedes these days. Don’t you? It makes so much less of a mess.”

Lah-di-dah.

I’d feel sorry for the Millipedes, who are usually kept in squalid conditions and paid far less than minimum wage, but I know for a fact that once you’ve let them in your house, they’ll rob you blind. So the Dingos are getting exactly what they pay for.