DRUG-RELATED

WELLINGTON (AFP) – An angry sea lion attacked a rowing boat in New Zealand's Otago Harbour, cracking the 40,000 dollar (30,000 US) vessel's hull, it was reported Thursday.

Sometimes, I think the news takes things too far in its quest to remain "impartial." Anyone can see what was really going on here.

It was drug-related.

I'm not saying that the sea lion was on drugs (because that would be redundant), I'm saying that this was about who had the right to sell drugs in the area. The Otago Peninsula is a particularly lucrative region for trade in illicit substances, with an abundance of clients that include the royal albatross, the yellow-eyed penguin (care to guess how its eyes got that way?), and assorted seals with their notorious appetites.

Sea lion cartels have controlled sales in the area for quite some time, and take a dim view of anyone challenging their monopoly.

"I saw this dark figure looming under the boat. I felt it hit and, seconds after, water came gushing up... it was panic stations," rower Matt Smail told the Otago Daily Times.

A word to the wise if you're going to be rowing in Otago Harbour: try not to look like a drug dealer. Sea lions don't take kindly to competition.

MISGUIDED

NZ Study: bells on cat collars could save half the wild birds: http://bit.ly/9LkGxrless than a minute ago via CoTweetNational Wildlife
NWF

The half not drinking themselves to death, apparently. Why do they insist on curtailing the freedoms enjoyed by cats when they need to address the larger problem stemming from the birds themselves?

If they were really serious about saving wild birds, they'd enact tougher laws about public drunkenness and restrict access to establishments where alcohol is served.

RIPOFF ARTISTS

@RacistWallaby Actual Washington Post headline : Squirrels Refuse Medical Care http://tinyurl.com/297dgz8 (squirrels already high on PCB?)less than a minute ago via webDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

This was just a straight con job; I've seen it a hundred times.

You'll note that there were two squirrels in the area. When they spot a likely target, one of them gets "injured," and his accomplice rushes over and swears he saw the whole thing.

From that point on, it's just a straight shakedown. "Oi, I'm hurt, but I reckon we can settle this for a few dollars." For the right price, the "injured" squirrel and his partner can forget the whole thing ever happened.

The giveaway here is the way that the presence of the authorities suddenly healed them of their injuries. Mark my words: there's never any reason to trust a squirrel.

BLAMELESS

WHERE WAS @racistwallaby? RT @abcnews: Fireworks taped to echidna http://bit.ly/b0jIO2less than a minute ago via webEvan Exsuburbia
Captainsuburbia

I resent the insinuation that I was somehow involved in this senseless act of destruction. What's even more galling is the way people are assuming that the Echidna had nothing to do with it! I can think of at least three scenarios in which the Echidna brought it upon himself, either through his own actions or through criminal associations.

Gang violence: Echidna-on-Echidna violence is on the upswing in New South Wales, as gangs increasing their influence across the country are clashing repeatedly in an escalating series of turf wars. It could have been a group trying to "send a message" to their rivals.

Extremist terror plot: Echidnas are known radicals. It's entirely possible that this Echidna was out to martyr himself to promote his agenda of fear and intolerance.

Stunt gone wrong: There is nothing that an echidna will not do in pursuit of fame, and reality television has only egged them on to more outrageous and dangerous stunts than ever before. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this was a desperate but misguided bid for his own show.

Make no mistake, animal abuse is serious business, but can we really be sure that justice has been done here?

THEFT

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via webCaissie St.Onge
Caissie

I guess that if this joke wasn't funny, it wouldn't have been stolen, but consider the following persons outed as joke-stealing plagiarists and suspected Emus:

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneNick Starr
NickStarr

Just deleted an email from Obama with the subject "I Need Your Help"without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if he's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via EchofonFarzan Karimi
Karimi

Just deleted an email from Mrs.Obama w/ subject "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via webiLana Pacheco
ilapacheco

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

VOICE OF REASON

In order to satisfy FirstBlogOnTheMoon's charter of Fairer Fairness, please find attached a blog post by @RacistWallaby http://bit.ly/162Vo3less than a minute ago via TweetDeckMr Onthemoon
firstdogonmoon

It's true. I got a chance to explain what's wrong with the NBN and why it's only going to harm the country in the long run.

You should read it!