THE USUAL CULPRITS

When I read about violent assaults and attempted home invasions, I'm never surprised to see that a Kangaroo's behind it all. That's why I found recent reports of a Kangaroo beating an elderly pensioner to be sad but not unexpected.

These attacks are only going to stop when the public realises the true scope of the Kangaroo menace. In the meantime, there are three things you can do personally to keep safe from attack:

• Be suspicious of any Kangaroo who claims to have a job. It turns out that in this latest attack, the Kangaroo posed as an employee of the electric company and got the homeowner to let her guard down by claiming that he had come to read the meter. 
• Never buy magazine subscriptions from Kangaroos. Once you give money to one of them, their whole bloody gossip network spreads the word that you're a soft touch. Buy magazines from one of them today and you'll see them queuing up tomorrow to sell you more magazines, along with wrapping paper, cookies, and all manner of unwanted junk.
• Never give money to Kangaroos for any reason. One of my mates, who was ignorant of the first two rules, got taken to the cleaners by some Kangaroo builders who promised him a new roof. All they wanted was some cash up front for "supplies." Needless to say, they took off with the money and now he's out several hundred dollars and still needs a new roof.

And while we're on the subject of rubbish freeloaders who refuse to work for a living, did you see how Phyllis Johnson, the victim, was left in the lurch by what should have been "man's best friend"? From the article:

"Not even the dog would help, it was too frightened."

Frightened, my tail! He was probably hoping the Kangaroo finished her off so he could loot the house and nick her jewellery. Don't trust Kangaroos, and don't expect a dog to have your back in a tight spot.