Saturday, April 30, 2011

NOT WANTED

@RacistWallaby You're a *monarchist* wallaby? Whoaaaa! She stole your land remember? #betrayalless than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® Favorite Retweet Reply



Whatever else you may say about the Queen, she's less close-minded and discriminatory than some people I could mention. And when I say "some people," I'm referring to you, residents of Lennox Head.

You heard me. Lennox Head Landcare is holding an open day to commemmorate one of the most contemptible acts of outright discrimination that I've ever had the misfortune to witness:

The tree planting is possible thanks to the construction of a wallaby-proof fence by the Lennox Head Residents Association’s Coastcare team.
You go ahead and enjoy your open day, you pack of close-minded bigots! I wouldn't have wanted to go even if you paid me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

ADMISSION OF GUILT



I knew it! Video evidence such as this can be ambiguous at times, so it's always good to have independent confirmation of the ruffian's motives.



I don't know why it so often seems acceptable to use Twitter as a medium for bullying and violent threats, but you can be sure that I'm taking it all down in case I need to provide evidence in court later.

WRONG WAY



I've never seen a more laughable premise for an article. Navigation skills? Whales? Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

And yet here we are:

Scientists used satellite technology to track 16 tagged whales as they migrated thousands of kilometres northwards from the South Atlantic and South Pacific.

For several days at a time they swam legs of their journey - often covering more than 1000 kilometres - with unswerving accuracy.

Most of the whales maintained an almost dead-straight course, deviating by less than one degree.

I can't believe it; whatever methods they were using to track these whales must have been complete rubbish.

It is a proven law of nature that Whales are so bad at directions that they'd get lost on the way to their own funeral. In fact, the Japanese have conducted extensive research on the subject, and I'd say that their results have been pretty conclusive.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A SIMPLE PLAN

Rat droppings on Delta Air Lines plane 'too numerous to count' http://t.co/0AT5MVoless than a minute ago via Tweet Button Favorite Retweet Reply



Bloody rodents can't get anything right.

Not that I should be complaining about it, but it appears as though a cunning plan to sneak past immigration and enter the country illegally was ruined due to poor personal hygiene.

Some roof rats took up residence in a Delta Air Lines jet, no doubt looking to emigrate to a country with a lower unemployment rate, but U.S. FDA inspectors found them out for being incapable of properly using the toilet:

[Delta spokeswoman Ashley] Black declined to specify the type of plane involved, other than that it was used on international flights.... The FDA said rodent excrement was discovered above the right and left forward galleys and mammalian urine was detected in six areas on ceiling panels over a galley.
Although the story is completely disgusting, I find it encouraging because 1) I never fly Delta Air Lines, and 2) it always makes me happy to see other countries dealing with problem immigrants well before they make it over our borders.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

EMU ROUNDUP

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twuffer Favorite Retweet Reply



[UPDATE: Bloody hell, they're all stolen. Even this one was swiped from earlier tweets. I TRUSTED YOU, @FreddyAmazin!]

Well, someone clearly has their finger on the pulse of popular culture.

I would have thought that the wanton indiscretions of Ducks, Beavers, and their degenerate Platypus offspring were common knowledge by now, and yet everyone has taken to re-tweeting this as though it was the latest breakthrough in evolutionary science.

I suppose that one positive result stemming from this onslaught of miscegenation trivia is that the latest round of Emus have come out of the woodwork to try and pass this tweet off as their own. Now I've got a some new names to add to my handy list of who to block:

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply



Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via txt Favorite Retweet Reply



Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via ÜberSocial Favorite Retweet Reply



Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver."less than a minute ago via Twitter for Android Favorite Retweet Reply



Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply



Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via twicca Favorite Retweet Reply

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

HA HA HA

@RacistWallaby wow, strange picture. It makes you look like a red kangaroo! I thought you'd be trying to distance yourself from them. )less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


I'm quite certain I have no idea what you're talking about.

My avatar is now, and has always been, a pleasing shade of grey commonly associated with wallaby fur, the cooled ashes of last night's campfire, and rational thought.

My avatar is not now—and has never been—any other colour that could possibly be confused with that of a Red Kangaroo.

And I would certainly never be involved in anything that could be misconstrued as trolling for steamy, lurid, and anonymous Kangaroo sex.

Unless it's a joke? Yes, that must be it.

HA HA HA. GOOD ONE, MATE! WOULDN'T THAT BE A LAUGH? ME, LOOKING LIKE A KANGAROO!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

TERRORIST DEMANDS

Can someone who speaks deviant tell those #lolphins that no matter how much trouble they cause, we'll NEVER legalise dolphin marriage!less than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet Reply



By now, you should have heard about the pod of Dolphins that briefly tried to stand in the way of progress, interrupting the scheduled demolition of the HMAS Adelaide by occupying the blast zone.


Breaking: Dolphins deliver demands as they halt sinking of Adelaide. Tell Sky News and ABC 24 "eee eee eee". Rudd called in to negotiate.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply




Their antics caused a lot of fear and confusion.

Daughter nervous about the dolphins & #HMASAdelaide. Remembers a Simpsons episode where dolphins take over the world. Could it be happening?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply




And some insightful criticism:

Those scuttling-delaying dolphins are just a bunch of NIMOs. #lolphins #HMASAdelaideless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply




But looking back at the original story, one particular detail stands out:

Protesters attributed the presence of the dolphins to a local Aboriginal elder, Lila Kirby, who performed a whale calling ceremony on Sunday. Ms Kirby said the dolphins were making a statement.


Bloody right, they were making a statement! Dolphins never refuse an opportunity to "make a statement," with their ridiculous antics and shrill whistling about whatever politically correct rubbish has caught their fancy this week.

But look at that first sentence again. It was a whale calling ceremony. The Dolphins weren't even invited! Instead, they saw a bunch of bloody whales who were either completely fine with the idea of sinking the ship — or too lazy to do anything about it, which amounts to the same thing and is more likely the case with whales involved — and decided it was time to rush in and champion their own crackpot cause célèbre.

Fortunately, people kept their heads and remembered that there was a reason why we don't capitulate to the demands of the blow-hole mafia:

Every time we take in illegal #lolphins like this, some other displaced sealife in a war torn ocean has to wait #queuejumpingoceanshoppersless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply




While others offered some sound suggestions on how to keep unruly Delphinidae gangs from causing this sort of upset in the future:

Clearly, #lolphins not respecting the exclusion zone around #HMASAdelaide is a failure of former NSW ALP Govt education. #nswpolless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply






And we can take comfort in the fact that they eventually proceeded with the demolition. I am thankful that during this crisis, there were at least a few officials who saw through the staged tears and political theatre to recognize what was really going on:

#HMASAdelaide Bloody dolphins. The Japanese were right. They are criminal gangs of the sea and need to be punished....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply



I couldn't agree more.