Thursday, February 24, 2011


Bah! The flood story is shameless Dove propaganda RT @firstdogonmoon may 21 is 7000 years since the noah's ark thingless than a minute ago via HootSuite

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon Shameless dove scum. They are still spreading olives in the Adelaide hills too.less than a minute ago via web

@RacistWallaby That was nice of you to capitalize the "d" in dove. Secretly, do you like doves?less than a minute ago via web

Putting aside the debate over whether or not the events described in the bible actually happened, I think we can safely single out the flood and the story of Noah's Ark as highly suspect.

Do you expect me to believe that you could put two of every kind of animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 nights and have anything other than a royal mess by the end of it?

  • Everyone would start to notice an epidemic of petty thefts by the second day, although they wouldn't know to blame the Quolls until the following week.

  • On day six, the Dingos would be rail-thin and shaking as they went into heroin withdrawal.

  • Two weeks in, there would be a colossal row as the Ostrich, Kookaburra, and Echidna ladies were found to be laying suspiciously Bandicoot-shaped eggs.

  • The Sea Lion would need to be given a series of progressively more stern talkings-to each time he was caught spying in the public toilets.

  • Potoroos would quickly set up a still in one of the cargo holds, which would have to be shut down after inadvertently poisoning half the crew.

  • On the subject of the ship's crew, the Wombats and Kangaroos would be asked to pitch in and man the rigging, only to quit an hour into their shift, complaining of assorted back problems and demanding disability payments for sustaining injuries in the line of duty.

  • And don't even get me started on the filth in which the Platypus couple would be living. By the end of the trip, their quarters would be positively squalid.

And who was responsible for this pack of lies masquerading as a feel-good story about interspecies cooperation? The same feathered vermin that portray themselves as the great heroes of the story, delivering word of dry land at the end of the ordeal. The Doves.

The whole thing was probably an elaborate ruse that they cooked up so they could sell timeshares on any one of the vast number of spots described as the "final" resting place of the ark.

Don't trust Doves. I never have, and I never will.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


So, I heard that the alternative cuts from the alternative government on the alternative budget are going to scrap free meth for unicorns!less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

@Pollytics That's only going to result in more crime committed by unicorns in our communities. Insanity.less than a minute ago via web

I know I've just been talking about the havoc that meth-addicted foxes can cause in a community, but in light of the comments above, I cannot state this emphatically enough:

No decent Australian can support a program that provides meth to Unicorns.

Full stop.

Yes, there are few things on this earth more menacing than Unicorns on withdrawal, all flashing hooves and sparkling horns willing to carve you up for drug money, but you need to look at the big picture. After all, they've no incentive to clean up their sordid lifestyle if we willingly continue to enable them.

Naturally, ending the programme would lead to a short-term spike in violent crimes as the Unicorns' desperation drove them to extraordinary measures, but over time the casual meth users would straighten up or die off. Ultimately, the worst threats and heaviest users would be concentrated in the Unicorn slums, and no one in their right mind goes there anyway.

The rumourmongers would scare you with tales of wild-eyed Unicorn addicts roving the streets in search of a fix, but it's all smoke and mirrors to distract taxpayers from the fact that they are being forced to shoulder the burden of ridiculous equine subsidies. I have just one question for those who would claim that they are afraid of being mugged in dark alleys:

What are you doing in dark alleys in the first place?

Everyone knows that the hottest action is found in the public toilets.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Law enforcement authorities have long known that where a den of Foxes is to be found, a meth lab can't be far behind.

In addition to seeing elevated rates of burglaries, robberies, and sexual assault, neighbourhoods hosting a new family of these furred vermin have to deal with unsightly piles of rubbish and music blasting at all hours.

The Vulpesian menace is most keenly felt by pharmacies, who regularly face petty thefts, con jobs, and outright assaults in order to secure the cold medicine needed to supply the Foxes' drug manufacturing labs.

The only thing sadder than the damage they can do is the pitiful state of a Fox who has gone into withdrawal. Here's one who has forlornly returned to a meth lab that was recently shut down by police, desperate for any sort of fix:

Saturday, February 5, 2011


Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeck

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBird

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via web

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

Friday, February 4, 2011


Motherhood is a rare and wonderful thing, and I am outraged by those who would assault its sanctity, particuarly in the case of this Katherine mother of twins.

Here we have a single mother of two, struggling to make her way in the world (and note that her husband has clearly been killed in a tragedy, for nothing less than death could induce a Wallaby to abandon his wife and children), and people are accusing her of living off handouts. All because of a few lines from the article:
Ms Enright said her husband Garry phoned while she was in hospital having twins with news Matilda had come back.

She had learnt to open the screen door herself and had proceeded straight to the fridge.

First of all, the shoddy sentence structure makes it entirely possible that they were talking about Ms Enright being able to open the screen door.

Assuming that the naysayers are correct, and that it was in fact the enterprising young Wallaby mother who had availed herself of the refrigerator's contents, I would argue that this is the height of self-sufficiency.

She's not collecting from the government, she's not bludging about and screaming for handouts, she's getting up on her own two feet — taking her twins with her — and showing resourcefulness and adaptability in claiming what she needs for her family's survival.

Besides, have you ever tried to open one of those screen doors? It's bloody hard work!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Fred Nile has blamed #TCYasi and the Qld floods on the number of gay wallabies in Australia.less than a minute ago via web

Well, I certainly don't know anything about it!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but I am sick and tired of addressing these rumours.

Last Wednesday my friends Esteban, Francois, and Eduardo came over to help me move my couch. That's why there was so much grunting and heavy breathing.

And on Friday, I was doing all that moaning because I had an upset stomach after eating some bad spinach. My friend Rinaldo came over because he heard that I was unwell.

I really think it's deplorable the way some people will take the kindness of a concerned Wallaby and twist it into sordid rumours and innuendoes.

If anything, it was probably those Kangaroos. You know how they carry on in public toilets!