Thursday, March 31, 2011


Sometimes you have to look at the story behind the story if you really want to know what's going on in the world today.

Take, for example, this incendiary discussion of some allegedly anti-Koala stickers that was brought to my attention by @AnzacJack.

"Car stickers suggesting people should eat koalas have outraged environmental groups, the RSPCA and politicians in Brisbane."

"The stickers and slogan sparked debate on Fairfax Radio 4BC, prompting state MP for Cleveland Mark Robinson to phone in and condemn them."

"RSPCA Queensland spokesman Michael Beatty said he had received about 15 complaints about the stickers, which he claimed were a political ploy.
'These stickers are very irresponsible and are sending out the wrong message, which is contrary to the message from all the conservation groups and animal welfare organisations, such as the RSPCA,' Mr Beatty said.
Yes, it is a political ploy Mr. Beatty, and you're falling for it like a one-legged Pademelon on a Friday night.

The stickers have been designed, marketed, and distributed by the Koalas from the start.

Anything to get their name in the papers, even if it's controversial. Especially if it's controversial. And this? Well, by playing the victim they can continue to leech off of social assistance programmes without anyone opposing them. Look at another figure from the article:

"Redland City Council spent A$193,000 on a koala communication strategy which included a Facebook page and a communication officer"
And what's the council doing now? Spending more time, more money, and more effort on publicizing the "plight" of the Koala, encouraging people to give them more handouts and to hold them less accountable. The whole thing shits me to tears, and the unintentional irony in most of the quotes just makes it worse.

"It's just a political ploy that is going to backfire."

If only, Mr. Beatty. If only.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


THIS kind of arsing about is what I think of when people mention government waste #Platypus than a minute ago via HootSuite

I am shocked and outraged that someone as vital to the functioning of civil government as a deputy mayor would show up for a council meeting wearing a platypus costume. His refusal to treat the proceedings with the solemnity and respect required of his position makes a mockery of the rule of civilized law.

The incident appears to be part of some sort of larger debate over the council's (poorly chosen) mascot. Putting aside my disgust at the amount of time and effort they have clearly wasted in discussion of this issue, I am stunned and outraged over some of the figures that are being casually tossed about.

Merely considering the "$5500 to $7200 originally quoted to the council for a custom-made design" is shameful, and the deputy mayor's price of "$247 including GST" is still more than two hundred dollars too much.

Why not just get an actual platypus? He'd do it for a pack of Winnie Blues.

Better yet, look to the criminal justice system! You can't tell me that there isn't a platypus who is facing a community service order right this instant who would jump at the chance to do some easy work as a mascot in lieu of actually repaying his debt to society.

Problem solved. No thanks necessary, Camden, but give me a shout if you need any more help with your budget.

Friday, March 25, 2011


The Mouse caught in trap was singing reggae and on closer inspection wearing a headscarf. Sorry kids, I think Rastamouse is dead.less than a minute ago via web

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say!

Mice like that are a terrible influence on impressionable young Joeys. Their hideous music, appalling personal hygiene, and recreational drug use set exactly the wrong sort of example. The sooner you're rid of them, the better.

Of course, mice are also notorious for merely overdoing it and ending up in a near-catatonic stupor for days at a time. I'd hold off on the rejoicing until you're sure he's really dead, or else you'll think later that you're being visited by a tiny zombie with a ferocious case of "the munchies."

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


As much as I may grumble about boat people, every day I thank God above that our land—girt by the sea—is provided with a natural barrier to thwart bludgers, layabouts, and shiftless Elk that would otherwise swarm our country to suckle the public teat dry. I can only imagine how bad it would be living on one of the other continents, especially ones that are notorious for having porous borders granting free passage to all manner of undesirables.

For example, take this recent story of an undocumented immigrant who stowed away on a railway car:

An adventurous ferret was recently found in Edinburgh after taking the train all the way from London. The ferret, who has been dubbed Mickey, was spotted by staff at Haymarket train station in the Scottish capital at 7pm on Monday and was handed to animal welfare charity the SPCA, which is looking to reunite the creature with its owner.
If you ask me, the Scottish authorities have been too soft on him. All you have to do is bat your eyelashes and pretend to be lost and suddenly it's all soft beds and hot meals?

"Mickey is very friendly, suggesting he is a pet."
Rubbish! Of course he's friendly! You've given him an all-access pass to your social assistance programmes. It's only a matter of time before he signs up for the dole and raises a family of little pickpockets.

So, thank God we don't have to deal with train people, and thanks to @danaminter for bringing this story to my attention.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


What's not to love about this story of a Wallaby on the mend? "Connie Concrete" was nearly blinded in a so-called "construction mishap" last month, but she looks to be recovering nicely.

The story has two of my favourite things: a Wallaby's triumph over adversity, and the incompetence of the Platypus mafia on display for the world to see.

Oh, they're not mentioned overtly in the article, but this story has the clumsy, webbed fingerprints of that pack of vermin all over it.

"Concrete was accidentally poured on to [Connie] after she became stuck in a deep hole at a building site in Tewantin."
If she wasn't deliberately placed in that hole by hired Platypus goons, then I'm a Pademelon with a steroid abuse problem.

I'm not sure what she did to cross the mob, but seeing as no Wallaby would ever be involved in some of the usual misadventures that they try to resolve in this fashion (dispute over unpaid gambling debts, dealing drugs in their territory, etc.), I'm confident that she must be some sort of defence witness, probably for an important murder trial or something.

Friday, March 11, 2011


Generally, I don't follow developments in the wine world — I'm not one of those Pademelon wine snobs who fusses over the cork — but I'm troubled by allegations raised in some row between U.S. and Australian wine companies:

The Wine Group of San Francisco caused uproar by releasing a Little Roo label which is strikingly similar to Casella Wines' Yellow Tail, featuring a wallaby. [...] Wallabies, Casella Wines contends, are "indistinguishable to most people" from kangaroos.


What's not to distinguish? The Wallaby's regal bearing? Its grace? Its regard for personal hygiene? (To be an accurate representation, I would imagine that the Kangaroo picture is accompanied by a cloud of buzzing flies, and possibly a few stench lines to drive the point home.)

Do you honestly expect me to believe that people can't tell that — unlike the Kangaroo — the Wallaby is NOT hopping out of the gutter on his way to the bottle shop for another day of drinking away his government assistance cheque?

It's the simplest thing in the world to tell the two creatures apart. One is a quiet, respectful marsupial, and the other resorts to violence at the first opportunity.

I don't know which I would find more offensive, that Casella is assuming that the public at large is as ignorant and inattentive to detail as they are, or that the general public could harbour such a shameful lack of awareness.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Wombats are too alarmist, and overlook the benefits posed by genetically modified foods. #WhatCouldGoWrong?less than a minute ago via HootSuite

What if they turn into mutant zombie monsters that kill you on sight.... oh wait never mindless than a minute ago via Seesmic for Android

See? It's a widely known fact that Wombats will attack with little or no provocation.

Considering how vicious, slow-witted, and ugly Wombats are in general, is there really any more damage that can be done to them? I say we put them on the GM feed, and keep the real food for the rest of us.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I guess Katy Perry cut the verse which explains that when ur a firework ur alive for 3 seconds & then you die having probably killed a bird.less than a minute ago via web

It's funny this should come up.

I've got a mate who worked on the lyrics for that song, and in fact they did cut that verse — along with a missing reference to Nathan Hale.

Rather an obscure Yank folk hero, but his most famous quote makes complete sense in context.

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."