Friday, January 28, 2011


@paddybts @RacistWallaby A seeing eye wombat would be great on crowded city footpaths.less than a minute ago via web

Great for dragging you into every bar, brothel, and other den of vice within walking distance, you mean! The only direction that a Wombat will lead you in is one that goes down the path to liver failure, poverty, and venereal disease.

However, there may be something to the idea of using animals besides dogs for assistance. I understand that they're giving seeing eye ponies a go, with mixed results.

I haven't always been a fan of horses, and still maintain that they're as lazy as the day is long, but it might remind some of the more irresponsible seeing eye dogs that they're easily replaceable, and that they'd better watch their step if they know what's good for 'em.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I'd like to take a moment to some heroes of twitter, whose intellect, creativity, and discerning tastes should be commended:

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because my boss told me to.less than a minute ago via Echofon

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I have a policy of containment w/r/t llamas #neverforget than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it is a source of guaranteed lulz.less than a minute ago via Echofon

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #green because he exposes bandicoot pollution. than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I was mugged by a welfare emu than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he's only saying what all macropods are thinking! than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is the marsupial Jack Bauer! #WEREISMYAWARD?less than a minute ago via Mobile Web

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because Oz borders need 2b protected from offending marsupials than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because...he's holding my children hostage in his pouch :) than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he cured my ills.less than a minute ago via web

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I'm as mad as hell. And he secretly *likes* cats. #libel than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because although xenophobic he supports me! Please RETWEET than a minute ago via web

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he told me to. than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird cos he told me to; and his satire is sublime and beautiful. than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it's clever and insightful parody. than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he stands against bolshie Quokka scum spreading dangerous ideas in my estatesless than a minute ago via Echofon

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is holding my possums hostage.less than a minute ago via web

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because... Jessie asked me too than a minute ago via Shorty Awards

Oh, look at that. I appear to have quoted all their nominations for the Shorty awards. What an odd coincidence.

Well, while we're on the subject of the Shorty awards, I suppose I should mention that you can still nominate me for an award in the #weird category. Nominations are being accepted through the end of the month.

It's a pity about the Shorty awards, really. You don't have to have a macropod's keen powers of perception to read the writing on the wall.

The Echidnas who control the media are going to rig it so that their Fairy Penguin pawns receive a disproportionate amount of recognition, and there's nothing to be done about it.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


“@HuffPostGreen: Drunk owl taken in by police” Will we see his mugshot at @hungoverowls?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

As far as I'm concerned, this is a complete non-story. Owls are drunk? What next, reports that the sun rises in East? That the tide came in?

If you ask me, the important part of the article is its insistence on repeating the myth about Wallabies getting high on opium poppies. I would hardly take one or two anecdotal stories as empirical scientific data showing a regular pattern. Why does the mainstream media insist on persecuting Wallabies?

I'm sure that former governor of Alaska and one-time vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin knows exactly what I'm talking about when I say that this is a blatant case of poppy libel.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

Friday, January 14, 2011


Thank God we don't give those Russian Quokkas tourist visas. than a minute ago via web

The accompanying video almost says it all:

What they didn't mention, and really need to disclose, is that they aren't that aggressive all the time.

Only when they're defending their meth labs.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Trying to explain to Lil that 'numbat' and 'wombat' are different words and different animals...less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

Talk about a thankless job! Sure, you could explain how Wombats and Numbats are different, but it's not like you can trust either of them with your car keys.

Fine, the two have different diets. Well, I can tell you firsthand that they have similar appetites for malt liquor and methamphetamines!

The only real difference is that the nocturnal one breaks into your house while you're asleep, and the diurnal one waits until you've left for work.

So you could explain that they're separate animals, but why bother? Once you're done, can you really say you've made the world a better place?

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Nominate @RacistWallaby in the Shorty Awards!

It's time to find out whether an humble Wallaby can have a fair go at winning an award, or whether my nomination for the Third Annual Shorty Awards is a mere fig leaf designed to shield the mainstream media from accusations of anti-Wallaby bias.

You can help by re-tweeting my nomination. Do it now!

But if you're really serious about telling wombats to go jump, you can do more.

It turns out that all votes are not created equal.

  • Your nomination is only counted once

  • A retweet carries less weight than an original entry

  • A nomination without a reason does not get counted

The good news is that it's never too late to replace a crap nomination with a better one, so even if you went off and nominated me before coming here you can still tweet a nomination that gives a reason, which carries more weight.

Now, rather than expect you to come up with your own reasons, making unreasonable demands of you like some kind of Bandicoot houseguest in the third week of his four-day visit, I've assembled this list of reasons that you can use. Feel free to copy and paste them into your nominations on Twitter or at the Shorty Awards Website if you don't feel like coming up with one on your own.

[UPDATE: I'm going to update this list as the various reasons are used on twitter.]

"I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because:

  • because he's handsome.

  • because he's witty.

  • because he's charming.

  • because I copied this text from his blog.
    (Thanks, @puggle01!)

  • because Brolgas are stupid as sure as the sun rises in the east.
    (Thanks, @OchoTeddy!)

  • because it's time Kangaroos stopped getting all the breaks.
    (Thanks, @Miss_Shiny!)

  • because the police are too soft on Bandicoot crime.
    (Thanks, @DazedPuckBunny!)

  • because Box Jellyfish need to learn what it means to do an honest day's work!

  • because Wombats on the dole are ruining things for everyone.

  • because you'll never catch a Platypus sober.

  • because Wallabies are better-looking than Monotremes.
    (Thanks, @brappy!)

  • because I'm tired of Emus bringing down my property values.
    (Thanks, @BaffleGabble!)

  • because unwed possum mothers are RUINING THE COUNTRY!

  • because that Bilby looked like he was going to rob the place! #honestmistake.
    (Thanks, @WallofJackson!)

  • because a Fairy Penguin can't hold down a steady job.

  • because Koalas in the classroom only slow the pace of learning for the rest of the children.

  • because he got passed over for promotion in favor of another Yabby.(Thanks, @Wombat1974!)

  • because Sperm Whales are good for nothing more than manual labor and organised sports.

  • because if Potoroos cared about survival, they’d get jobs and contribute to society.(Thanks, @38degreesouth!)

  • because Numbats just can't take a joke.
    (Thanks, @bethspen!)

  • because Dingos can't be trusted with money.
    (Thanks, @typingmonkey!)

  • because Dingos can't be trusted with children.

  • because Dingos can't be trusted.

So, please go to Twitter or the Shorty Awards Website and submit your nomination.

With your help, we can keep the llamas from winning.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


Dolphins are basically the arseholes of the ocean. They turn on the cuteness to get sympathy from humans than a minute ago via web

I never thought I'd agree with a poo-flinging freeloader like Kayak, but I suppose even a stopped clock is right twice a day. If there's anything in the oceans more obnoxious than dolphins, I haven't seen it.

Take Moko for example:

Moko, a solo bottlenose dolphin, has spent the past three years swimming with people on New Zealand's North Island east coast.

He typically pushes them out to sea on surfboards, even leaving one woman stranded on a sea buoy when he stole her surfboard.

He has also overturned kayaks, tipped over water skiers and even interfered with surf lifeguard training.

Bloody Delphinidae. If there's one thing that goes right up my nose, it's those wretched marine mammals acting like they own the entire ocean.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


For once, my reputation for fighting prowess has worked against me. BRING THE BLOODY BOAT NEXT TIME! than a minute ago via HootSuite

Look, when you see a Wallaby in trouble, you stop to help. Is that so hard to comprehend?

I understand how some of you may be cowed by my fearsome reputation for martial prowess, as was the case with Anthony Skerman:

"[Skerman] said he did not try to help the wallaby as it would have injured him if he tried to get it on the boat."

However, you can rest assured that I will spare you the brunt of my maiming macropod fury if you're doing me a good turn.