Saturday, August 28, 2010


@ClimateElephant If I win you have a standing invitation to come to meet with me in Parliament House for a chat and a cuddle. JG #ausvotesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

I'm as shocked to read that as you are, I'm sure.

Honestly, I thought she was keeping silent on the Dugong issue to avoid problems like the ones @TurnbullMalcolm encountered when he dared to give an honest opinion about squirrels. At the very least, I thought she'd try to maintain impartiality given her position, and here she is consorting with an Elephant. Shocking.

Mind you, it's not the climate change message I'm opposed to. I'd be right there giving them my full support if they had gone with a climate change Wallaby.

No, I'm upset that this message is being relayed by an lephant, some of the most notorious scolds imaginable. It's true, they never forget, and they never let you forget, either. Did something silly once upon a time, when you were having a night out with the lads? Maybe you'd forgotten about it, but there's always an Elephant lurking around the corner, just waiting for a chance to remind you.

Friday, August 27, 2010


@JC_Andrews Mention how the Bandicoots spied for the Japanese in exchange for all the rice wine they could drink (tonnes)less than a minute ago via web

Some people have questioned my specific mention of "rice wine" in this statement as derogatory, but it's entirely defensible.

After all, if you're an alcoholic who is looking to be paid in booze, what would you expect to get from the Land of the Rising Sun? Not vodka, ouzo, or shandies, certainly.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Sure it wasn't an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident? #YouKnowHowTheyAre RT @andrewbolt A crocodile head in my bed. Bob Katter's calling cardless than a minute ago via web

Here's the thing: Bolt may think it was Katter, but he's ignoring the crocodile's more unsavoury proclivities.

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just saying that it wouldn't have been the first crocodile to have been killed in an unfortunate auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.

The fact that it was his bed implicates Mr. Bolt in no way, either. It's widely known that crocs enjoy a bit of bawdy horseplay more if they're somewhere that they can get caught.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


How do Kangaroos keep their fur so soft and silky smooth? #DoNotTweetThis #SecretDesireless than a minute ago via HootSuite

I'm tired of people reading so much into a single tweet. This wasn't mine, I didn't type it, and somebody clearly hacked my Twitter account.

I'm a victim here!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


They can, they just want your help so they can nick your wallet while you're distracted @Captainsuburbia why can't wombats cross the road?less than a minute ago via web

@Captainsuburbia has noticed one of the more heartrending aspects of the Wombat lifestyle. They’re all addicted to drugs, and feed their addiction by stealing from kind — but inattentive — passers-by.

The tragic part of the cycle comes when they eventually lose control and succumb to a lethal overdose; then their comrades display the bodies by the roadside to make it look like a traffic accident, effectively shaming more motorists into stopping to offer “assistance.”

The next time you stop to help a Wombat cross the road, check to see if his pupils are dilated first.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


@crazyspeak I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. HOW MANY #TOKENFRIENDS MUST I PRODUCE BEFORE YOU STOP CALLING ME RACIST?less than a minute ago via web

Again with the accusations of racism!

How much is it going to take to satisfy you people? I know a duck, a goat, some cats, a squirrel, a hippo, and even an elephant. Isn’t that enough?

Friday, August 20, 2010


@RacistWallaby well in that case I don't like squirrels!less than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

That's the kind of clear thinking I like to see in government!

True, he later issued an apology after he was pressured by vocal pro-squirrel activists, but I think we all know where his sympathies really lie.

I just regret that he ever had to apologize in the first place. I can’t help but feel partially responsible, since liberals in the Emu-controlled media were all too quick to accuse @TurnbullMalcolm of consorting with Wallaby supremacists.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


I might mention that some budgie-smuggling politicians are apparently too good to follow their constituents back. #disappointmentless than a minute ago via HootSuite

Although she didn’t formally acknowledge my request, I still felt like @JuliaGillard heard it. That’s more than I can say for some other people who claim to represent the country’s best interests.

I think it’s also telling that @TonyAbbottMHR hasn’t addressed other pressing issues such as Emu plagiarism and the Quoll crimewave.

Friday, August 13, 2010


Dear @JuliaGillard, please do something about those Dugongs. Sincerely, a concerned citizen. #ThinkoftheJoeysless than a minute ago via HootSuite

It was a simple request, and yet it stirred such controversy! I had no idea that Dugong enthusiasts could be so vocal.

I think that the most hurtful part of the whole exchange was when I was accused of racism. I have tonnes of non-macropod friends. How many must I produce before people stop calling me a racist?

Look, I don’t hate Dugongs. I just want them to leave the country and never come back.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Naturally, all of the recent developments in the election have kept me on the edge of my seat. After careful consideration, I have decided to decline @JKRLMazur's kind offer to become PM and continue to support @MisterShuffles.

Meanwhile, @tip66 poses an interesting question, albeit a mildly confusing one. Bats? As foreign minister, my policies would be staunchly anti-wombat. And I've got my eye on those cave bats, too. And don't get me started on fruit bats!

Unless he's talking about beats. That's a different subject altogether. Honestly, I'm not really clear on how to respond.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


@RacistWallaby I believe the "pc" term is Quoll. You don't want to let them catch you saying Chuditch, that's "their word."less than a minute ago via Twitter for Android

We need our words back!

It’s a dark day when so many wonderful, descriptive words end up so loaded with politically correct baggage that you can’t use them anymore.

Well, not unless you’re clever about it.


That just leaves more of them to spraypaint tags on overpasses RT @JerryThomas I help the environment by eating only one panda per day.less than a minute ago via web

It's a question of priorities, really. Sure, it sounds environmentally friendly, until you realize that he's not going to make up for it by spending more time erasing their bloody tags from every blank surface within spraying distance.