Friday, May 27, 2011


On Thursday, 19 May, a Wallaby abroad in Lyme Regis, UK, was detained without due process.

On the heels of this shocking rights violation, a Wallaby in Denham Springs, Louisiana, was arrested without a warrant the following weekend.

Neither has been granted access to legal counsel, and both are being held under conditions that I can only assume are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. I've already alerted Amnesty International about the situation.

In the meantime, in the absence of direction from the foreign minister, I shall be travelling to the U.K. and the United States to demand the release of these political detainees. My boss has only given me a week's time off from work (leave it to a Kookaburra to be completely unresponsive to a pair of international incidents), so it'll have to be a whirlwind tour.

I don't expect this to be easy, especially given the Americans' love of "enhanced interrogation techniques" and terrible track record with minorities in custody, but "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good Wallabies to do nothing"!

I'll be giving you regular status updates here.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


This is the official page for updates and discussion about my rescue mission, from 28 May to 4 June.

Unfortunately, I expect limited access to Twitter whilst travelling. I'll be posting regularly to keep you from worrying, but I won't be able to respond to inquiries.

You can check my twitter page for the latest updates, and I'll be using the #WallabyRescue hashtag.

Monday, May 23, 2011


I hate Portuguese Millipedes. They invade my home when it's raining and I don't appreciate it! How can I get rid of them?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply

Portuguese Millipedes? Usually I call immigration and have them deported.

In the meantime, check your neighbours. Are there any Dingos living nearby? They like nothing better than to show off by getting some Millipedes to work as domestics.

“Oh, we have our carcasses stripped by Portuguese Millipedes these days. Don’t you? It makes so much less of a mess.”


I’d feel sorry for the Millipedes, who are usually kept in squalid conditions and paid far less than minimum wage, but I know for a fact that once you’ve let them in your house, they’ll rob you blind. So the Dingos are getting exactly what they pay for.

Friday, May 20, 2011


Do not waste a duck's time with your yellow corn tortillas. #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply

You'd be hard-pressed to find a more ungrateful bastard than a duck queued up for a handout. As though charity is a god-given right! They're the first in line to collect assistance, and the first to complain about its "inadequacy," as well.

And what do they do with the public's largesse?

That's right, they waste it all on plasma TVs and Winnie Blues. But it's not like their children need to be looked after.

Baby ducks (or "ducklings," in the Queen's English) are some of the most brutal, bloodthirsty ruffians on the planet.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


How busy are bees? To make a one-pound comb of honey, bees must collect nectar from about two million flowers (via than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


"Bees" are busy? Try again. It's the hard-working taxpayer that's doing all the work! This nectar business of theirs is just a glorified hobby.

Bees only have all that free time to buzz about meadows, lounging on various flower blossoms, because of the generous unemployment benefits they're collecting from the government, which in turn has gotten its money by picking our pockets.

Oh, and the phrase "Welfare queen?" Let's be honest, people who use it mean "Welfare queen bee."

Monday, May 16, 2011


My phone autocorrects #qanda to #panda - is qanda secretly an immigrant?less than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet Reply

The problem you've observed isn't related to immigration, but it does relate to national security.

People use the #qanda tag to discuss vital governmental matters.

Smartphones are assembled in China.

What demographic is most densely concentrated in China, and would give their weight in bamboo for a chance to listen in on honest Australians trying to discuss important policy decisions?

That's right, Pandas.

So be careful what you say on unsecured channels; you never know who's listening in.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


If this isn't a metaphor for bees and their relationship with social services I don't know what is than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet Reply

Indeed, the only image that better depicts the way those fat, freeloading bludgers leech off the welfare system — so they can lay about their hives all day fiddling with wax and vomiting — would be the picture of a lamprey's open mouth.

Anyone who claims there's so much as a single hard worker to be found in the insect kingdom is just spouting rubbish. Remember, just because I've said in the past that I respect locusts, that doesn't mean I think we should emulate them.

Friday, May 13, 2011


.@RacistWallaby Met some of yr degenerate relatives last week. Look at this one, only a joey but already into mushrooms than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply


Not only do I have it on good authority that the photo to which you refer has been doctored beyond all recognition, but I am personally acquainted with the Wallaby involved. He's a smart joey from a good family who would never be involved in something as sordid as drug use.

The very suggestion is preposterous.

Furthermore, I know for a fact that those mushrooms are completely benign! Too bloody benign, considering how much I paid that Platypus for them.

The next time you're looking to manufacture a scandal, sir, I suggest that you leave Wallabies out of it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011


Dear @RacistWallaby, I would be interested in your opinion of this: Yours Sincerely, Annasonic.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

Hmm. What is my opinion of the Wombat Hilton, where "Sixteen wombats loll about under the care of retirees Manfred and Helen Heide"?

My opinion of it is that these sort of establishments, well-intentioned as they may be, are doing grave harm to the Wombat community. Shelters like this for "orphaned and injured" wombats only encourage them to engage in risky behaviour to sustain injury that they can capitalise on, or — in extreme cases — incite them to patricide. Well, matricide, mostly, since Wombat fathers are notorious deadbeats who refuse to help raise their children.

I'm sure that Aidan McLindon agrees with me when I say that these sorts of facilities need to encourage Wombats to go back to the wild and stop subsisting on handouts. The Dreamworld theme park in Queensland is having similar problems with bludging wombats, specifically with Coco, its own Wombat welfare queen:

"She's basically a big fat wombat who loves her tucker," park curator Julia Leonard said. "She's a bit of a sook really"

Personally, I think it's a flaw in their genetic makeup that compels them to look for the easy way out and avoid doing real work.

Why, just this past Anzac day, While we were celebrating our brave diggers and their heroic contributions to this great nation's history, they were watching Private's Progress and taking notes on better ways to rort the system.

Dedicated "to all those who got away with it," indeed!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Why hasn't the EU thought of the EMU emu? A mascot that explains macroeconomic policy to diplomats?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

That's a great idea. While we're at it, why don't we use taxpayer funds to train sex offenders for new work as gynaecologists?

I'd take macroeconomic policy explanations from an Emu about as seriously as I'd take advice from a squirrel on staying sober.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Is it just me or are echidnas particularly slow?less than a minute ago via Twitter for Android Favorite Retweet Reply

God, yes. They're slow in every sense of the word.

RT @BenWiseMelb #Numbat Fact: A Numbat can consume up to 20,000 termites in one day. <--- Gluttonous swine.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet Reply

Gluttonous swine? Try GENOCIDAL MANIACS. I keep trying to have them boxed up and shipped off to the Hague to stand trial before the International Criminal Court. Sadly, I've found the court's attitude on what actually constitutes a war crime to be exceptionally racist.

Don't do that. You're only encouraging her.

I was just thinking, what do people from other less awesome countries think of us. Same stereotype as 10yrs ago? #verminless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Reply

Does it matter? Some of those countries can't even tell the difference between a Wallaby and a Kangaroo. I've got better things to do than worry about the opinion of anyone who would put Jacko in a television series.