Saturday, November 27, 2010


Why am I not surprised that when you have sloth, exploitation, and cruelty involved in a YouTube video, one of the subjects is a cat?

Thursday, November 25, 2010


@iamtheoracle twatterers. i block people all the time. i check their feeds, if they look like twats, i block.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

@ben_hr @BiteTheDust I admit to also blocking those accounts like the teeth whitening, or the promos where it's just a tweetstream.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

This can't be right.

It turns out that I'm blocked by both @Kimbo_Ramplin and @aptronym. Either there has been some kind of mistake, or...


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuite

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Mass Noun)

A Rubbish of Bandicoots

A Crack Den of Dingoes

A Gang of Pederasts

A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.

A Mafia of Numbats

A Mistake of Pademelons

A Pack of Vermin

A Crime Wave of Possums

A Salvation of Wallabies

A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

Sunday, November 21, 2010


@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon This was nothing less than the blatant luring and kidnapping of an innocent Kelpie! than a minute ago via web

I doubt Henry is his real name.... @archiearchive @RacistWallabyless than a minute ago via TweetDeck

First, I’m thankful that a real horror was averted. Obviously that Sea Lion was headed for international waters, where it could visit all manner of depravities on that unsuspecting Kelpie.

Personally, I find this story troubling because I wanted to like Henry. It’s rare that a Sea Lion will anglicise the senseless mash of barks and roars that serves as his name, so I want to encourage their efforts to become part of civilised society wherever I see them.

However, in this case it appears as though “Henry” was merely using camouflage, lulling us all into a false sense of security so he could move amongst us without arousing our suspicions. The whole thing makes me wonder if any of them are to be trusted at all.

Am I wrong?

Friday, November 19, 2010


@indiaknight Incense = eucalyptus. Koalas not v. bright either. Especially weak at metaphysical reasoning.less than a minute ago via web

Most Koala talk is rubbish, but it crosses over into a whole new realm of nonsensical gibberish when they start going on about their spirituality.

If you've never had the misfortune of having a Koala offer to "re-align your chakras," "smooth out your energy flow," or sat through one of their lectures on spiritual oneness and the inherent divinity present in all of us, consider yourself lucky.

What really makes me angry is the number of Koalas who have decided that they can make a living from it, spruiking crystals, candles, and all manner of nonsense that they expect us to pay hard-earned dollars for.

Getting stoned out of your mind on eucalyptus and telling people to "chill out" is not a valid career choice!

It's well past time the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked into them.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Police officers free moose tangled in rope and tree than a minute ago via Reeder

It's sad how the liberal media gets a story of individual heroism matched with police incompetence only to completely miss the real issues at work.

"Susie Arnold spotted the moose when she arrived at Bell's Nursery on Sunday morning to meet a friend for coffee. The trapped moose was on a bike path beside Bell's..."
Here you have a moose, lying in wait on a bike path, hoping to accost passers-by and possibly make off with their wallets. Meanwhile, a concerned citizens group, as yet unidentified, had already taken countermeasures to foil bike path-related criminal activity. The end result? A moose, apprehended red-antlered and ready for delivery to the local law enforcement authorities.

And what do they do? They set it free! The moose was not taken in for questioning, no one asked to see its papers, and the negligent individuals who allowed this ungulate ruffian to return to its sordid life of crime are instead lauded as some kind of conservation-minded environmental heroes!

I'm stunned that this reporter can be so blind to what's really going on. What else could that Moose have been doing there, if it wasn't lying in wait and preparing to do mischief?

Monday, November 15, 2010


Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.


Saturday, November 13, 2010


Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Porpoises implant mind-control device into popular actor, return him to land to begin PHASE 2: #sinister #plotless than a minute ago via HootSuite

You know what? I didn't like this story when it was the plot of The Manchurian Candidate, and I don't much care for it now.

"Dick Van Dyke has been saved by a school of porpoises after finding himself adrift at sea on a surfboard" is the Metro's headline, and all the Koala cuddlers out there are gushing over how some cute sea creatures saved a beloved television icon.

Rubbish, I say! It was a PR stunt designed to make them look good while inserting a sleeper agent into a highly visible media role. Don't act surprised when Mr. Van Dyke becomes a vocal advocate for porpoise rights and a staunch supporter of porpoise marriage!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play some Solitaire.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Bought a deodorant stick. The instructions said to remove top and push up bottom. Can't walk very well but my farts smell lovely!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

You know you've made it big time when your tweet gets recycled again

I bought a deodorant stick today, the instructions said "remove top and push up bottom".

I can't walk very well but my farts smell nice.less than a minute ago via TwitBird

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesomeless than a minute ago via web

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

and again.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome...less than a minute ago via web

I can't really tell why this idea is so popular. I mean, it's the kind of blatant disregard for personal hygiene shown by most Kookaburras, but it's also the crude toilet humor so beloved by Crocodiles. Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's just a bunch of Kangaroos who think they're being helpful by sharing personal grooming tips. At least it's a helpful list of accounts to block, I reckon. Did I miss anyone?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Property Prices in Perth fall - and more reductions in property values are predicted.... than a minute ago via Facebook

There's a lot of rubbish speculation about what's happening in Perth's property market.

Perth's median house price fell five per cent in seasonally adjusted terms to $480,000 in September.

The fall makes Perth the country's weakest performing capital city market.
People are spouting all sorts of mumbo jumbo about uncertainty over the mining tax, cautious first-time home buyers, and "market corrections" causing the decline, but you know what the real cause is?


Once Numbats moved into the neighbourhood, everything went downhill. Crime rates soared--with a marked increase in incidents of vandalism--and previously honest, respectable neighbourhoods were overrun with drug use, loud music, and kids refusing to respect their elders.

Say what you want about investors waiting to see if the market softens further, but if potential buyers drive into a neighbourhood and see Numbats leaving their washing out to dry in full public view, letting their children run amok to scatter toys across the front lawns, and loitering in the streets, they'll keep on driving.

Am I wrong about this? Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine anyone having a worse effect on property values than Numbats.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


When will the authorities realize that tougher legislation is needed to keep Emus in line? I'm not biased against Emus, but they need stronger laws in place for their own protection.

Look at what happens when they're allowed out unsupervised.

A rampant emu chased children and reportedly reached speeds of 30kmh after it escaped from a farm in the Marlborough Sounds on Saturday.

You read that right, it was rampant. Rampant!

You might be inclined to dismiss the report as another "errant livestock causes fuss" article, but ask yourself why it was running so fast. The answer? Drugs, obviously.

Unsupervised Emus have proven time and time again that when left to their own devices, they engage in risky behaviour like recreational drug use, and I'm not even going to mention the carnal designs it most likely had in mind when it started running after those children.

They just can't be trusted. Something should be done.


Sea lion found shot in head. than a minute ago via TweetDeck

It was only a matter of time before it came to this.

Previous coverage has already confirmed that Sea Lion gangs in New Zealand are engaging in increasingly criminal behaviour. If the government doesn't take dramatic action soon, it's going to become a lawless warzone where even the Penguins are concerned for their safety.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


@MisterShuffles I am going to hurt you. Bad.less than a minute ago via Seesmic Desktop

I have long accused bears of being both violent and stupid, but I never expected to see the supporting evidence for my case presented so neatly.

Violent? I think that issuing threats via Twitter fits that description.

Stupid? You tell me if a stuffed teddy trying to pick a fight with an elephant sounds like the idea borne of a fully competent mind.

I know that some of you will attempt to argue that one stuffed bear does not represent an entire species, and of you I ask: who has stepped forward to denounce this statement?

Where are the bear spokespersons issuing apologies to @mistershuffles and denouncing TeddyFail as a dangerously unhinged psychopath?

Their silence betrays their complicity.

Monday, November 1, 2010


[Top Story] Climate Change Blurring Definition of Native Species: As climate change alters ecosystems, scientists ... than a minute ago via twitterfeed

Freeloading squatters are using "Climate Change" as a handy excuse to laze about where they're not wanted, more like!

None of us are very happy with climate change. We're all dealing with uncomfortable temperatures and freak storms, but I'm not trying to move into their backyard, so these other species should stay the bloody hell out of mine.

And before you accuse me of being close-minded or selfish, I'd like to point out that Wired agrees with me completely:

"Each new immigrant has the potential to radically change the neighborhood — welcoming an influx of new predators and parasites, altering soil nutrients and porosity, even changing the amount of moisture and sunlight that reaches ground dwellers."(Slight emphasis added)
Now, I can see where some of the Kookaburras in my neighbourhood acting like total slobs might give some people a false impression, but the fact is that we aren't looking for any newcomers, especially when they won't respect the character of the place we've worked so hard to develop.

The last thing we need is an influx of Bison with their gang violence, Pandas and their drug culture, or Polar Bears and their reckless, inattentive driving. I'm sure @Ern Malley's Cat will agree with me when I say emphatically:

"Shove off and find someplace else. We were here first."