Thursday, September 30, 2010


Yes, the possibility of plague locusts decimating crops is a grave concern. However, is this threat really that much different from the rapacious freeloaders that already threaten—on a daily basis—to milk welfare benefits until the teat runs dry?

The only difference between Locusts and Numbats on the dole is that Locusts have the decency not to send government thugs to seize your property before they squander it. I actually respect Locusts in that sense, for taking the initiative to go out and grab what they want instead of waiting for some officious bureaucrat to hand it to them. It doesn't require the establishment of new federal agencies and there's no need to commission a number of pointless studies into whether you should be forced to hand over 90% or 95% of the pay earned by your own hard labour.

Yes, it's a bad time to be a farmer, but let's not lose sight of the greater issues.

Monday, September 27, 2010


Anyone would have thought that Bandicoot was the nanny! Why did she take it so personally? #touchy #verminless than a minute ago via HootSuite

That baby didn't look like a Bandicoot, and I really think that's the heart of the issue here.

Look, if you see a Bandicoot out and about, tending to a baby that clearly isn't purebred Bandicoot, it's natural to assume that you're seeing the help out for a stroll with the family's newest addition. Anyone would think that, and I really didn't deserve that kind of response from her just for implying that the baby wasn't hers.

If you ask me, she went on the offensive so quickly because she's embarrassed by who the father is. Look, just because you couldn't find a proper Bandicoot husband, that's no reason to take it out on me.

Friday, September 24, 2010


@RacistWallaby I had a run in with an Oryx while I was withdrawing money from the ATM today. #TheyreAllTheivingPunksless than a minute ago via web

A feral Oryx might seem menacing at first, but there's a trick to dealing with them. The fact is that they're very sensitive, especially when it comes to jokes about their mothers.

Next time you face off against an Oryx that's up to no good, try telling it that its mother has a substance abuse problem, or struggles with morbid obesity. Once you've reduced it to tears, you can make a quick getaway.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Now I can't go to sleep! I'm afraid of being attacked in the night by a bum-faced gibbon!less than a minute ago via web

Nothing could possibly be more redundant than the phrase "bum-faced gibbon," but I think that @MisterShuffles still makes a valid point.

Gibbons are nothing more than graceless thugs who traffic in threats and intimidation. Worse yet, they delight in picking on the weak and vulnerable.

Imagine, scaring a defenceless Elephant like that. Don't they know that Elephants are already half afraid of their own shadows? Scaring them is like kicking the crutches out from under an invalid. Funny for a moment, but then the complaint letters start rolling in.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Dear ASIS, MI6, and CIA,

Something dodgy is going on. Go and search Twitter for the word "wallaby."

Notice something? There is always, always at least one "P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney" tweet showing up in the results. And do you know why?


I'm sure that smart lads such as yourselves can suss out what's happening here. It may be a line from some children's movie (that I didn't much care for), but it's being used as a way for terrorists to "ping" each other and coordinate their attacks. And I'm pretty sure those terrorists are Kangaroos.

Why? Jealousy.

Kangaroos have always been jealous of the way that Wallabies are widely known as the smarter, faster, more handsome infraclass, making their larger, slower Kangaroo cousins look like oafs by comparison. Associating our good name with their terror plot allows them to further their pro-Kangaroo agenda at the expense of our reputation.

The next step is obvious. Gentlemen, I'm calling for mass arrests, detainment, and the thorough interrogation of any Kangaroo who looks suspicious. Don't say you haven't been warned.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Time to poach someone else's ideas for my own glorification. That's right - bears aren't always original but they are the best.less than a minute ago via web

There's not much I can say, really.

Brazen plagiarism matched with overblown vanity? Considering that it's coming from a bear, you really shouldn't be surprised.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


LOLOLOL I MEANT #OZCOT. #oxcot is for convservative oxen, twittering about damn lefty ducks znd how ploughing was better in the olden days.less than a minute ago via web

Let me tell you something about those #oxcot users. They’re intolerant hypocrites, every last one of them.

You think they’d be a little more accepting of a humble wallaby what’s ready to talk about Echidnas these days having no respect for their elders, and how those bastard Pandas won’t stop with their graffiti. You’d be wrong. Well, I know where I’m not wanted!

And I didn’t get a single re-tweet from any of the bastards. Stuff them. You’re better off avoiding the #oxcot tag.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


I may be drunk, but you are a Dingo, and I shall be sober sometime tomorrow afternoon.less than a minute ago via HootSuite

Look, I'm tired of repeating myself. I don't have a drinking problem. I can quit any time I want, and I shouldn't be made to suffer just because my neighbours are afraid to have a good time.