Friday, December 31, 2010


Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order!(Remember) You can't fix what you wont confrontless than a minute ago via Mobile Web

On the face of it, I agree with this idea. It certainly would do a world of good if Koalas were willing to confront the fact that they are never going to make an honest living until they put down the eucalyptus and do some real work for a change.

The problem is that there are some situations in which confrontation is ill-advised. For example, I grew tired of the mountains of discarded Westerfields and shoals of broken Mayfair bottles that had become an eyesore and a public health hazard in my neighbourhood, and confronted the Kangaroos responsible.

The results were less than productive. I'm still too traumatised to go into specifics, but @Brappy found this video that shows you just how readily those brutes will resort to violence:

So, I'd agree completely with @RevRunWisdom if he amends his statement to read:
"Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order! Unless you're dealing with Kangaroos, Wombats, Bandicoots, or other thugs who disdain common courtesy and refuse to listen to anyone they can intimidate."

However, I recognize that Twitter makes it impossible to squeeze that many characters into a post.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I worry that it is the Wallabies who will "enforce" the law. Macropods are well known for accepting kick-backs!less than a minute ago via web

I am OUTRAGED at your suggestion that I'd accept bribes like a common Dingo. It's all "charitable donations."less than a minute ago via HootSuite

Wallabies have never sunk to dingo tactics of mugging you use skill, slight of hand, hypnotics and charity tinsless than a minute ago via Echofon

My question has always been "Which agency approved "The Wallaby Early Retirement Fund" as a charity?less than a minute ago via web

Well, the retirement fund is actually an old money laundering scam. The wallibies take a % of the 'donations'!less than a minute ago via Echofon

That has happened since time immemorial. What has changed is that they now take over 90%!less than a minute ago via web

Hmm there is the wallaby red-cross and several other agencies that do only charitable duties. They reformedless than a minute ago via Echofon

The Wallaby Red Cross is one of those charity fronts!less than a minute ago via web

To set the record straight, the Wallaby Red Cross and the Wallaby Retirement Fund are both fine charitable institutions that deserve as much as you can spare. In fact, I've half a mind to put up contribution buttons for them on this blog!

In the meantime, you may have noticed the unfair treatment I have received in the press lately, all because some disgruntled Koala has stolen some photos of a rather personal nature and has been using them in a vindictive smear campaign as some sort of misguided attempt at payback for offences that were ENTIRELY IMAGINED.

I can assure you that I am the victim in this circumstance, regardless of any rumours you may hear to the contrary involving underage pregnancies and the assault of a Koala while under the influence of intoxicating substances. Even if these rubbish allegations were true, you must realise that the Koala was asking for it.

Friday, December 24, 2010


Well fancy that RT @wattsupwiththat: Polar bears no longer on 'thin ice': researchers say they cld face bright future than a minute ago via TweetDeck

Well, that's all the evidence I need. Any complaints you hear about global warming from this point on are just the discontented rumblings of Polar Bears who are just trying to play on public sympathies for cash payouts.

If you ask me, our science research dollars should be spent on important things, like finding a pouch enhancer that really works! Not like those ones that just take your money and leave you sad and disappointed!

Thursday, December 23, 2010


Wallaby just told me to change it to WaLLaBy_Smoove but i aint tryna do all dat.dat nigga bugginless than a minute ago via web


That's actually quite catchy. You'd need to fix the spelling, but "Walla B. Smooth" is a pretty fantastic name (especially when you compare it to some of the nonsense clicks and whistles that most Dolphins are going by these days).

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Ooooo,"islets of Langerhorn." Hand the pancreas its monocle! Thanks, Mr. Fancygland, for blessing the endocrine system with your presence!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

You know, this reminds me of my Platypus coworker.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with one of those hoity-toity bastards? It always comes back to them bringing up just how special they are, like they're actively trying to find an excuse to show off.

They'll say "Can't find your pen? Why don't you locate it using your electroreceptors? Oh, sorry, you don't have electroreceptors. How rude of me to mention them," saying it with that smug little twitch of the bill that makes you want to smack them so hard that their eggs come out crooked.

And that "venom" of theirs that they always brag about. Tell me it's not dish detergent spiked with Bundaberg!

Am I the only one who has to put up with this?!

Friday, December 17, 2010


Camera Trap - elusive echidna's seen in Western Australia Wheatbelt... than a minute ago via Facebook

This "elusive" business is a load of poo.

Every exhibitionist I've ever known has been an Echidna. There's no stopping them when a camera's about!

Elusive, my pouch. Just look at how that one's mugging for the camera. Treating this as noteworthy is absolute rubbish.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


The left wing bias in the #wonkleys is blatant. @andrewbolt won an award? I'll tweet my suggested winners in the next few minutes.less than a minute ago via web

#wonkleys Best Political Cartoonist - anyone but Tanberg, Leunig or that Leftist from @crikeyless than a minute ago via web

#wonkleys Best #QandA Panelist - meless than a minute ago via web

#wonkleys Best Australian Journalist on Twitter - meless than a minute ago via web

#wonkleys Best Political Journalist - me.less than a minute ago via web

#wonkleys Best hair, and special commendation for extraordinary insight and commentary on some of the most vital social issues faced by the Commonwealth of Australia today, and someone of whom I cannot speak highly enough, the esteemed @RacistWallabyless than a minute ago via web

Fine, I may have altered the text of that last one a bit, but we all know it's what he really wanted to write.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


@firstdogonmoon I meant racist wallaby .... silly auto correctless than a minute ago via Seesmic for Android

@wolfcat I think I liked Wallace better. Was going to get Grommit onto youless than a minute ago via TweetDeck

It's a funny thing, really. I was just talking with an Alligator friend of mine from the States the other day (ANOTHER non-macropod friend!), and we were discussing how Wallace was indeed a racist.

Of course, I can see how some of the less socially-conscious users of Twitter would overlook the more notable opponents of equality from the last century in favour of an animated clay figure. One really mustn't blame them for their ignorance.

Can we say the same of Nick Park, though? To my knowledge, he has never explicitly gone on record denying that he named his most famous character after one of the most vocal champions of segregation in the United States.

But we should get back to that later. This whole exchange started when @FirstDogonMoon asked a simple question:

Do wombats have an internal penis?less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

The answer he was looking for is, "Yes. Yes indeed." That's because Wombats are complete cocks, through and through.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I take my civic duties very seriously, which is why I carefully examine items like First Dog on the Moon's 2011: A Space Bandicoot calendar, scanning them for sentiments that are anti-Wallaby or otherwise harmful to society.

I acquired the First Dog calendar yesterday, and promptly began my review process. Sadly, I found objectionable materials almost immediately. I am greatly distressed that in this day and age, individuals are still given licence to publish and distribute this kind of content to the world at large.

Although providing an exhaustive list of the specific issues would be time-consuming and unhelpful, I will say that March's "dog bumming turtle" illustration is pure filth.

April's Stations of the Cross, as presented by the Potoroos of the Tamar Valley, is exactly the kind of Hostel-esque torture porn that the Pope warned us about.

And the bonus centrefold? Well, it required a special review session that had me retiring with it to the toilets to be certain that I could give it the kind of exacting scrutiny it deserved in suitable surroundings of contemplative silence.

Having carefully examined the calendar, I recommend that you buy two of them--one to burn immediately, one to burn after reading and condemning it, and quite possibly a third if your examination process is as rigorous as mine and some of the pages end up stuck together before you're finished.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to.

(For the record, my meeting is nowhere near the U.S. Embassy, and has nothing to do with the search for an informant to replace Mark Arbib. Any rumours to the contrary are COMPLETE RUBBISH.)


@RacistWallaby At least the good doctors believe you have the X factor.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

You know what I'm sick of? Those rubbish monotremes and their constant "oooh, we lay eggs, we're special, SQUANDER GOVERNMENT FUNDS STUDYING US" nonsense.

I used to think it was the worst thing imaginable, seeing them hijack the scientific process and waste valuable time researching what amounts to little more than party trivia. There's so much more to be learned about Wallabies!

I used to pray that just one scientist, just one research study would turn the tide and start to give Wallabies the attention they deserve. I thought that would fix things.

I was very, very wrong.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Somehow at the #walkleys, I became President of the Australian Cartoonists Association. I suspect it may be temporary, even with the badge.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

I want to know just how many deserving Wallabies ended up getting passed over in favor of this blatant abuse of affirmative action!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


See also: Cults. Those researchers look a lot like Patty Hearst to me. #Stockholm @mcckate than a minute ago via HootSuite

I'm not going to say that Pandas are running the Wolong conservation centre as some kind of mind control cult, because that would be irresponsible rumour mongering.

What I am saying is that one of my mates knows a fella who took a job there, and he hasn't been allowed to leave.

They lured him there with the promises of a high salary and the chance to do important conservation work, and now they're controlling what he eats, when he can sleep, and what he wears.

Compare these two photos:

Again, I'm not saying anything outright, I just think the similarities between those suit-wearing researchers and a gun-toting Patty Hearst are noteworthy.

"Oh," I hear you saying, "but Pandas are cute, and cuddly, and couldn't possibly be involved in anything sinister!"

To that I say, "You don't know Pandas very well, do you?"

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


#Twitter suggesting that I follow @ThingBogansLike is insulting to my fans. My readers include celebrities, sportmen and business leadersless than a minute ago via web

It's a just cause for outrage, but what upsets me is that my followers on Twitter aren't directed to follow Andrew Bolt!

Sunday, December 5, 2010


smh: tabbott wants to "lure people off welfare..." get a job and we'll chuck in a set of steak knives #demtel #BOGOFless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

This idea has potential.

Not the steak knives bit, that's rubbish, but I'm intrigued by the thought that we might be able to lure Emus out of their posh taxpayer-provided estates and into a position where they'd actually contribute something useful to society.

I really like this idea. You'd just need a new track suit, and maybe some shiny jewellery to lay out under a box that slams down on them when they rush in to try it on.

From there, you could put them in work camps and make them do something useful for a change. Better yet, just pop a shipping label on the box ahead of time, and they'll become New Zealand's problem.

Saturday, December 4, 2010


It's time to clear up some confusion.

I'm not a racist (as you should know by now), my given name is Racist. My mother says it's a family name, but doesn't go into much more detail than that.

Naturally this has led to a lot of difficult misunderstandings, especially when people refuse to acknowledge the fact that I have lots of non-macropod friends.

Do be more considerate, won't you?

If you see me out and about, saying "Hey, it's Racist Wallaby!" is a fine form of address.

Saying, "Hey, it's a racist Wallaby!" instead?

Well, that's just hurtful.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


It's never too late to cash in on the dot com craze, I say!

After having a look around the website for incubator incubator, I've decided to launch my own technology startup.

It's going to be called MIRacist? (pronounced M-I-Racist), and here's what I put on the application form:

MIRacist? harnesses the inherent synergy in peer-to-peer networking and crowdsourcing to leverage user-generated content for a new internet 2.0 paradigm.

Users can visit MIRacist to upload their contact lists from popular applications and social networking sites like LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. In addition to storing these contact lists in order to generate our own mailing lists for announcing exciting site upgrades and special offers, the site will tell them whether they are racist based on the people they associate with.

You know, like a for racists.

(Regardless of whether or not I hear back from them, I'm now seeking venture capital and looking for a few Crocodile boffins who can make the whole thing work. Get in on the ground floor!)


@RacistWallaby My mother lived with a bandicoot while I was a child. No one cares! #ozcot #tcotless than a minute ago via web

Your "anything goes" attitude is undermining the MORAL FABRIC OF SOCIETY!less than a minute ago via HootSuite

Even you don't care - pick on the victim! sobless than a minute ago via web

It takes a big Wallaby to admit when he's wrong, but if I didn't own up to my mistake I'd be no better than those stinking Kangaroos. (Don't get me started on them, with their haughty expressions and the smug way they lift their tails when they hop!) No, this is about a young man who was grievously wronged by the system, and my callous indifference toward his suffering.

I thought Archie's original post was written in the spirit of so many drugged-out Koalas, telling me to "cool down" and "relax" because in this "enlightened" day and age, "no one cares." In the face of that kind of overly permissive rubbish, demanding that I turn a blind eye to society's decay, my understandable response was to call him out on his faulty logic its Echidna-minded moral relativism.

However, Archie's clarification has revealed that it was actually a plea for help, and a lamentation of the fact that his suffering has gone unacknowledged for so long. The last thing he needed was someone kicking him while he was down.

In light of this information, I would like to apologize to Archie, and I hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us in order to raise awareness of the shameful parenting practises of modern Bandicoots.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Lordy. 260 all out. Knew we shouldn't write Australia off. A wounded wallaby us a dangerous thing. Ho hum. Business as usual. #theashesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPad

For Mr. Fry's sake, I can only hope that this word choice is some type of sick coincidence, and not a deliberate reference to the events of last June. (Incidentally, I've healed up quite nicely since then, thanks for asking.) What transpired on the 11th and its ensuing aftermath made for a fortnight that was anything but "business as usual."

Personally, I think it has to be a coincidence. He wasn't there, and none of the other parties involved are still available for comment. I was quite thorough in cleaning up afterwards, and very conscientious about making sure that all of the video evidence was destroyed.

However, Mr. Fry, if you are attempting some sort of public intimidation or extortion scheme, I would recommend that you make quite sure that you can handle the consequences. A wounded ego can be just as motivating as a double compound fracture, and that Dingo ended up spread across four different time zones.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Why am I not surprised that when you have sloth, exploitation, and cruelty involved in a YouTube video, one of the subjects is a cat?

Thursday, November 25, 2010


@iamtheoracle twatterers. i block people all the time. i check their feeds, if they look like twats, i block.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

@ben_hr @BiteTheDust I admit to also blocking those accounts like the teeth whitening, or the promos where it's just a tweetstream.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

This can't be right.

It turns out that I'm blocked by both @Kimbo_Ramplin and @aptronym. Either there has been some kind of mistake, or...


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuite

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Mass Noun)

A Rubbish of Bandicoots

A Crack Den of Dingoes

A Gang of Pederasts

A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.

A Mafia of Numbats

A Mistake of Pademelons

A Pack of Vermin

A Crime Wave of Possums

A Salvation of Wallabies

A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

Sunday, November 21, 2010


@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon This was nothing less than the blatant luring and kidnapping of an innocent Kelpie! than a minute ago via web

I doubt Henry is his real name.... @archiearchive @RacistWallabyless than a minute ago via TweetDeck

First, I’m thankful that a real horror was averted. Obviously that Sea Lion was headed for international waters, where it could visit all manner of depravities on that unsuspecting Kelpie.

Personally, I find this story troubling because I wanted to like Henry. It’s rare that a Sea Lion will anglicise the senseless mash of barks and roars that serves as his name, so I want to encourage their efforts to become part of civilised society wherever I see them.

However, in this case it appears as though “Henry” was merely using camouflage, lulling us all into a false sense of security so he could move amongst us without arousing our suspicions. The whole thing makes me wonder if any of them are to be trusted at all.

Am I wrong?

Friday, November 19, 2010


@indiaknight Incense = eucalyptus. Koalas not v. bright either. Especially weak at metaphysical reasoning.less than a minute ago via web

Most Koala talk is rubbish, but it crosses over into a whole new realm of nonsensical gibberish when they start going on about their spirituality.

If you've never had the misfortune of having a Koala offer to "re-align your chakras," "smooth out your energy flow," or sat through one of their lectures on spiritual oneness and the inherent divinity present in all of us, consider yourself lucky.

What really makes me angry is the number of Koalas who have decided that they can make a living from it, spruiking crystals, candles, and all manner of nonsense that they expect us to pay hard-earned dollars for.

Getting stoned out of your mind on eucalyptus and telling people to "chill out" is not a valid career choice!

It's well past time the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked into them.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Police officers free moose tangled in rope and tree than a minute ago via Reeder

It's sad how the liberal media gets a story of individual heroism matched with police incompetence only to completely miss the real issues at work.

"Susie Arnold spotted the moose when she arrived at Bell's Nursery on Sunday morning to meet a friend for coffee. The trapped moose was on a bike path beside Bell's..."
Here you have a moose, lying in wait on a bike path, hoping to accost passers-by and possibly make off with their wallets. Meanwhile, a concerned citizens group, as yet unidentified, had already taken countermeasures to foil bike path-related criminal activity. The end result? A moose, apprehended red-antlered and ready for delivery to the local law enforcement authorities.

And what do they do? They set it free! The moose was not taken in for questioning, no one asked to see its papers, and the negligent individuals who allowed this ungulate ruffian to return to its sordid life of crime are instead lauded as some kind of conservation-minded environmental heroes!

I'm stunned that this reporter can be so blind to what's really going on. What else could that Moose have been doing there, if it wasn't lying in wait and preparing to do mischief?

Monday, November 15, 2010


Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.


Saturday, November 13, 2010


Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Porpoises implant mind-control device into popular actor, return him to land to begin PHASE 2: #sinister #plotless than a minute ago via HootSuite

You know what? I didn't like this story when it was the plot of The Manchurian Candidate, and I don't much care for it now.

"Dick Van Dyke has been saved by a school of porpoises after finding himself adrift at sea on a surfboard" is the Metro's headline, and all the Koala cuddlers out there are gushing over how some cute sea creatures saved a beloved television icon.

Rubbish, I say! It was a PR stunt designed to make them look good while inserting a sleeper agent into a highly visible media role. Don't act surprised when Mr. Van Dyke becomes a vocal advocate for porpoise rights and a staunch supporter of porpoise marriage!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play some Solitaire.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Bought a deodorant stick. The instructions said to remove top and push up bottom. Can't walk very well but my farts smell lovely!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

You know you've made it big time when your tweet gets recycled again

I bought a deodorant stick today, the instructions said "remove top and push up bottom".

I can't walk very well but my farts smell nice.less than a minute ago via TwitBird

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesomeless than a minute ago via web

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck

and again.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome...less than a minute ago via web

I can't really tell why this idea is so popular. I mean, it's the kind of blatant disregard for personal hygiene shown by most Kookaburras, but it's also the crude toilet humor so beloved by Crocodiles. Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's just a bunch of Kangaroos who think they're being helpful by sharing personal grooming tips. At least it's a helpful list of accounts to block, I reckon. Did I miss anyone?