Friday, October 29, 2010

SEA-WOLVES AMONG THE SHEEP

Oh, those adorable little whales have decided to have a bit of a frolic in Sydney harbour?
Will Ford from Whale Watch Sydney said it was "very, very unusual" for whales to come so far into the harbour. [....]

"They were pretty relaxed and looked to be having a good time ... and it really is rare.

Rubbish! I'll tell you why they were having a good time: Their mates were robbing you blind!

It's a little thing called misdirection, have you heard of it? While you're standing around slack-jawed and pointing at those whales and their antics, accomplices have broken into your homes, your cars, and looted your unattended handbags.

Not so great now, is it?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

SUPERNATURAL

It's just like those horses to take a story about the time they were too lazy to do their jobs properly and craft it into a legend. Have a look at The Legend of Macha:

This legend consists of a woman of unknown origin, most likely divine, who marries a widower, Crunniuc. She is a skilled runner, and her husband brags to the king, Conchobor, that she can outrun his horses.

Irritated by his boasting, the king forces Macha to race his horses, even though she is very pregnant, close to giving birth. She pleads for a postponement of the bet, but the king will not concede. She races and ends up outrunning the king's horses.

These horses were responsible for pulling the king's chariot. There's a job that could have been done by any number of suitable quadrupeds — bears, sheep, even some especially determined hedgehogs — and instead it goes to horses, because of patronage and racial bias. I reckon they got the job because their fathers were horses.

And do those horses actually use this opportunity to earn an honest living? No. They bludge about while some banged-up sheila carrying twins shames them in a humiliating public defeat.

After a spectacle like that, only horses would have the gall to mosey back to the king's stables and live out the rest of their lives gorging themselves at the government's trough. It wasn't their fault, see? It was magic what did them in.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuite



Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

Friday, October 22, 2010

IRISH OUTRAGE

First, I'm in a state over the way that the Irish press favours lurid headlines over actual fact-based reporting, as is evident from their coverage of the "Wallaby Dies After Being Plied with Ecstasy and Drink at Birthday Disco" story:

"Orla Aungier, [Dublin Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] DSPCA operations manager, said the marsupial was more likely a wallaby than a small kangaroo, because they are easier to buy in Ireland.

'At some point during the party, what we believe to be a wallaby was brought on to the dance floor and it was being handled as Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was played loud as the back track,' she said."

The whole thing is a tangled mess of allegations and scandal leaving me unsure of what to think, since all the Garda have to go on at the moment is some CCTV footage and a Facebook video—no body, and no evidence of drug abuse beyond some unidentified witness accounts that sound more like rumour. Although they have made great strides in eradicating racism in that country, it becomes a bit of a thorny problem when race is actually a relevant issue.

Maybe it was a Kangaroo after all. This kind of irresponsible carousing and drug-related overdosing is exactly what I'd expect from one of them.

What makes my blood run cold is the possibility that it was actually a Wallaby involved. Having a drink or two with your new marsupial friend is one thing, but manhandling him to the tune of "Skippy the Bush Kangaroo"? That's monstrous, and inhuman. That's the real issue here: not drugs, not alcohol, but the wilful and negligent emotional damage inflicted on this innocent Wallaby by deliberately drawing the comparison with a Kangaroo.

If this was indeed a Wallaby at the disco, I'm sure that everyone will agree with me when I say that the Garda need to use the video evidence in their possession to track down the responsible parties and prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law. Honestly, I'd turn a blind eye if they chose to take things a few metres beyond the law, if you follow me.

If it was a Kangaroo—well, this is the part where I'm supposed to say that we should pray it gets the kind of substance abuse intervention that it needs to become a productive member of society once again, but we all know that some of society's basest elements are beyond help.

RACISM HAS ENDED

@RacistWallaby Good gwief. First the penguin now a wallaby. They twied to pass a penguin off as a wabbit http://bit.ly/cCJ7QTless than a minute ago via web



It's true. I've heard lots of people talk about how they try to "see beyond race," but it's usually just rubbish spouted by bigots. However, there's a taxi driver in Ireland who appears to actually mean it.

"Three men climbed the perimeter fence and entered the penguin habitat [at Dublin Zoo], capturing a 10-year-old female named Kelli.

They put her into a sack and left the zoo where they hailed a taxi passing through the Phoenix Park.

They told the driver they had a rabbit with them and he dropped them in Dublin's north inner city."

I do my best to overlook the inherent lechery of Koalas, the shiftless thievery of Wombats, the and the tendency towards foul language exhibited by most Bandicoots, but I must admit that I am hard-pressed at times.

It must take an unbelievably tolerant person to overlook a penguin's widely known propensity for bawdy horseplay (which usually stops just shy of being legally actionable indecency) to believe that it's just a rabbit.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

AS SIMPLE AS A KANGAROO

#unheardcelebbooks “The Kangaroo Guide to Australia's Tax Code” by Paul Hoganless than a minute ago via web



You've never heard of the Kangaroo Guide series of books? They're written by idiots, for idiots. Kind of like the "... for Dummies" series, only they use more pictures and fewer big words.

I can't remember the entire list of topics at the moment, but they're designed to tackle some of the biggest issues facing 'Roos today, like the Kangaroo Guide to Cooking, the Kangaroo Guide to Driving, and the bestselling Kangaroo Guide to Breathing Without Choking on Your Own Tongue.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via web



Mocking Koala bears and telling "your mother" jokes are like peanut butter and chocolate for me. But too much of it can make you sick. After @RayWJ did something great, these idiots went and made me sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via web



Sick:

FacebookFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via web



Sick:

DID YOU KNOW: Koala bears are NOT actually bears!!! They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki. true story. LOLless than a minute ago via web



Sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone



Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via web



Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via web



Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone



So after I'm done vomiting, it looks like I'll be blocking a few more plagiarists who are less creative than an Echidna with a head injury...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

DRUG-RELATED

WELLINGTON (AFP) – An angry sea lion attacked a rowing boat in New Zealand's Otago Harbour, cracking the 40,000 dollar (30,000 US) vessel's hull, it was reported Thursday.

Sometimes, I think the news takes things too far in its quest to remain "impartial." Anyone can see what was really going on here.

It was drug-related.

I'm not saying that the sea lion was on drugs (because that would be redundant), I'm saying that this was about who had the right to sell drugs in the area. The Otago Peninsula is a particularly lucrative region for trade in illicit substances, with an abundance of clients that include the royal albatross, the yellow-eyed penguin (care to guess how its eyes got that way?), and assorted seals with their notorious appetites.

Sea lion cartels have controlled sales in the area for quite some time, and take a dim view of anyone challenging their monopoly.

"I saw this dark figure looming under the boat. I felt it hit and, seconds after, water came gushing up... it was panic stations," rower Matt Smail told the Otago Daily Times.

A word to the wise if you're going to be rowing in Otago Harbour: try not to look like a drug dealer. Sea lions don't take kindly to competition.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

MISGUIDED

NZ Study: bells on cat collars could save half the wild birds: http://bit.ly/9LkGxrless than a minute ago via CoTweet



The half not drinking themselves to death, apparently. Why do they insist on curtailing the freedoms enjoyed by cats when they need to address the larger problem stemming from the birds themselves?

If they were really serious about saving wild birds, they'd enact tougher laws about public drunkenness and restrict access to establishments where alcohol is served.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

RIPOFF ARTISTS

@RacistWallaby Actual Washington Post headline : Squirrels Refuse Medical Care http://tinyurl.com/297dgz8 (squirrels already high on PCB?)less than a minute ago via web



This was just a straight con job; I've seen it a hundred times.

You'll note that there were two squirrels in the area. When they spot a likely target, one of them gets "injured," and his accomplice rushes over and swears he saw the whole thing.

From that point on, it's just a straight shakedown. "Oi, I'm hurt, but I reckon we can settle this for a few dollars." For the right price, the "injured" squirrel and his partner can forget the whole thing ever happened.

The giveaway here is the way that the presence of the authorities suddenly healed them of their injuries. Mark my words: there's never any reason to trust a squirrel.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

BLAMELESS

WHERE WAS @racistwallaby? RT @abcnews: Fireworks taped to echidna http://bit.ly/b0jIO2less than a minute ago via web



I resent the insinuation that I was somehow involved in this senseless act of destruction. What's even more galling is the way people are assuming that the Echidna had nothing to do with it! I can think of at least three scenarios in which the Echidna brought it upon himself, either through his own actions or through criminal associations.

Gang violence: Echidna-on-Echidna violence is on the upswing in New South Wales, as gangs increasing their influence across the country are clashing repeatedly in an escalating series of turf wars. It could have been a group trying to "send a message" to their rivals.

Extremist terror plot: Echidnas are known radicals. It's entirely possible that this Echidna was out to martyr himself to promote his agenda of fear and intolerance.

Stunt gone wrong: There is nothing that an echidna will not do in pursuit of fame, and reality television has only egged them on to more outrageous and dangerous stunts than ever before. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this was a desperate but misguided bid for his own show.

Make no mistake, animal abuse is serious business, but can we really be sure that justice has been done here?

Friday, October 8, 2010

THEFT

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via web



I guess that if this joke wasn't funny, it wouldn't have been stolen, but consider the following persons outed as joke-stealing plagiarists and suspected Emus:

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone



Just deleted an email from Obama with the subject "I Need Your Help"without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if he's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via Echofon



Just deleted an email from Mrs.Obama w/ subject "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via web

Thursday, October 7, 2010

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via web



I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

Monday, October 4, 2010

VOICE OF REASON

In order to satisfy FirstBlogOnTheMoon's charter of Fairer Fairness, please find attached a blog post by @RacistWallaby http://bit.ly/162Vo3less than a minute ago via TweetDeck




It's true. I got a chance to explain what's wrong with the NBN and why it's only going to harm the country in the long run.

You should read it!