THE USUAL CULPRITS

When I read about violent assaults and attempted home invasions, I'm never surprised to see that a Kangaroo's behind it all. That's why I found recent reports of a Kangaroo beating an elderly pensioner to be sad but not unexpected.

These attacks are only going to stop when the public realises the true scope of the Kangaroo menace. In the meantime, there are three things you can do personally to keep safe from attack:

• Be suspicious of any Kangaroo who claims to have a job. It turns out that in this latest attack, the Kangaroo posed as an employee of the electric company and got the homeowner to let her guard down by claiming that he had come to read the meter. 
• Never buy magazine subscriptions from Kangaroos. Once you give money to one of them, their whole bloody gossip network spreads the word that you're a soft touch. Buy magazines from one of them today and you'll see them queuing up tomorrow to sell you more magazines, along with wrapping paper, cookies, and all manner of unwanted junk.
• Never give money to Kangaroos for any reason. One of my mates, who was ignorant of the first two rules, got taken to the cleaners by some Kangaroo builders who promised him a new roof. All they wanted was some cash up front for "supplies." Needless to say, they took off with the money and now he's out several hundred dollars and still needs a new roof.

And while we're on the subject of rubbish freeloaders who refuse to work for a living, did you see how Phyllis Johnson, the victim, was left in the lurch by what should have been "man's best friend"? From the article:

"Not even the dog would help, it was too frightened."

Frightened, my tail! He was probably hoping the Kangaroo finished her off so he could loot the house and nick her jewellery. Don't trust Kangaroos, and don't expect a dog to have your back in a tight spot.

INCONVENIENT TRUTH

A week doesn't go by without a new, scare-mongering headline trying to convince us to waste money on crackpot "environmentalist" schemes. Just take a look at this pack of bloody lies designed to tug at our heartstrings:

"The warmer water, researchers from Victoria say, may drive the platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus) from 30 per cent of its current habitat."

It's a rubbish ploy to hoodwink the Australian taxpayer into giving them posh new accommodations with free air conditioning. Do you want to know what they should be doing to combat these "rising freshwater temperatures"?

Stop weeing where you swim.

Of course, that's the kind of subtlety that's lost on that pack of vermin, mostly because it doesn't involve anyone giving them free handouts.

TRUTH WILL OUT

RT @dr_krystal: Bacteria from a wallaby's gut reduce methane production via @breakfasters http://t.co/SzG5p5sless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyNick Evershed
NickEvershed

RT @TenMorningNews QLD scientists discover wallaby farts are eco-friendly. Insert your own headline here.....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

The animal or the football team?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDenise Cook
SpudBenBean

The animal. I suspect the team produce something far more polluting!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyTEN Morning News
TenMorningNews

This has been common knowledge for AGES, but it's one of those things that the Platypus-controlled media doesn't want you to know. We've always done our part to combat global warming and the generation of greenhouse gasses, so it's good to see Wallabies finally getting their due.

I can't begin to describe how humiliating it is to be run off some farmer's property just because he doesn't realise the vital service that you're performing for the environment.

To say nothing of the brave Wallabies who gave their lives combating the pollution generated by aircraft on the Katherine runway. Instead of a commendation and full state funerals for our fallen comrades, the Katherine Wallabies were greeted with fences and cull programmes. It's shameful, really.

Still, it's nice that we're finally getting some recognition. If any major media outlets are interested, I am of course available for interview.