AGREE TO DISAGREE

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on Twitter:

"WA values its honest Kangaroos, Emus and Echidnas. Not so the stunted deformed Wallabies." -@archiearchive

Accompanied by the following photograph:

It's an interesting interpretation, certainly, but it's dead wrong.

The fact is that WA recognises that motorists only need to be warned to watch out for animals stupid enough to blunder into a moving vehicle. The wallaby omission is only recognising their superior intelligence.

TRUTH WILL OUT

RT @dr_krystal: Bacteria from a wallaby's gut reduce methane production via @breakfasters http://t.co/SzG5p5sless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyNick Evershed
NickEvershed

RT @TenMorningNews QLD scientists discover wallaby farts are eco-friendly. Insert your own headline here.....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

The animal or the football team?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDenise Cook
SpudBenBean

The animal. I suspect the team produce something far more polluting!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyTEN Morning News
TenMorningNews

This has been common knowledge for AGES, but it's one of those things that the Platypus-controlled media doesn't want you to know. We've always done our part to combat global warming and the generation of greenhouse gasses, so it's good to see Wallabies finally getting their due.

I can't begin to describe how humiliating it is to be run off some farmer's property just because he doesn't realise the vital service that you're performing for the environment.

To say nothing of the brave Wallabies who gave their lives combating the pollution generated by aircraft on the Katherine runway. Instead of a commendation and full state funerals for our fallen comrades, the Katherine Wallabies were greeted with fences and cull programmes. It's shameful, really.

Still, it's nice that we're finally getting some recognition. If any major media outlets are interested, I am of course available for interview.

BRAWLERS

It appears as though you can't take a holiday in Britain anymore without being assaulted by a pack of ruffians.

On a recent outing, a Wallaby from Black Isle Wildlife Park had a run-in with some thugs:

He was treated for a cut to his nose inflicted during a run-in with a flock of sheep after jumping into a field.

He's on the mend now, but it sounds like it was tough going for a while. How much longer is parliament going to sit idly by while citizens are terrorized by the ovidian gangs roving the countryside with impunity?

TOLERABLE

@RacistWallaby So what is the race that you can tolerate the most? Who causes you the least consternation?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDavid Houghton
turb05

Wallabies, obviously.

Of course, you might hear a load of rubbish from some people who would suggest that I have an unhealthy fascination with Kangaroos, but it's a complete fabrication.

I think it's a misunderstanding based on one time last year when my account was hacked. I certainly don't visit Kangaroo-themed websites or place personals ads in the newspapers looking for anonymous Kangaroo hookups.

I don't do anything like that at all.

FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

HOSTAGE CRISIS

On Thursday, 19 May, a Wallaby abroad in Lyme Regis, UK, was detained without due process.

On the heels of this shocking rights violation, a Wallaby in Denham Springs, Louisiana, was arrested without a warrant the following weekend.

Neither has been granted access to legal counsel, and both are being held under conditions that I can only assume are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. I've already alerted Amnesty International about the situation.

In the meantime, in the absence of direction from the foreign minister, I shall be travelling to the U.K. and the United States to demand the release of these political detainees. My boss has only given me a week's time off from work (leave it to a Kookaburra to be completely unresponsive to a pair of international incidents), so it'll have to be a whirlwind tour.

I don't expect this to be easy, especially given the Americans' love of "enhanced interrogation techniques" and terrible track record with minorities in custody, but "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good Wallabies to do nothing"!

I'll be giving you regular status updates here.

HASHTAGS

This is the official page for updates and discussion about my rescue mission, from 28 May to 4 June.

Unfortunately, I expect limited access to Twitter whilst travelling. I'll be posting regularly to keep you from worrying, but I won't be able to respond to inquiries.

You can check my twitter page for the latest updates, and I'll be using the #WallabyRescue hashtag.

FRAME UP

.@RacistWallaby Met some of yr degenerate relatives last week. Look at this one, only a joey but already into mushrooms http://goo.gl/SN8yhless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

Rubbish!

Not only do I have it on good authority that the photo to which you refer has been doctored beyond all recognition, but I am personally acquainted with the Wallaby involved. He's a smart joey from a good family who would never be involved in something as sordid as drug use.

The very suggestion is preposterous.

Furthermore, I know for a fact that those mushrooms are completely benign! Too bloody benign, considering how much I paid that Platypus for them.

The next time you're looking to manufacture a scandal, sir, I suggest that you leave Wallabies out of it.

NOT WANTED

@RacistWallaby You're a *monarchist* wallaby? Whoaaaa! She stole your land remember? #betrayalless than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® Favorite Retweet Replymcckate
mcckate

Whatever else you may say about the Queen, she's less close-minded and discriminatory than some people I could mention. And when I say "some people," I'm referring to you, residents of Lennox Head.

You heard me. Lennox Head Landcare is holding an open day to commemmorate one of the most contemptible acts of outright discrimination that I've ever had the misfortune to witness:

The tree planting is possible thanks to the construction of a wallaby-proof fence by the Lennox Head Residents Association’s Coastcare team.

You go ahead and enjoy your open day, you pack of close-minded bigots! I wouldn't have wanted to go even if you paid me.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

Ocelots are honest mammals. They get framed a lot by scrupleless macropods #intendedtobeafactualstatementless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Replyarchiearchive
archiearchive

Of all the hashtags I've seen, this one has had quite a deleterious effect on my blood pressure.

I knew that @archiearchive wasn't normally given to pro-ocelot leanings, and he certainly has more sense than to imply that there is such a thing as an unscrupulous Wallaby, so his tweet left me feeling both outraged and betrayed.

It only makes sense if he meant to use the #NotIntendedtoBeaFactualStatement hashtag, which itself has caused a number of problems for me today, mostly thanks to the following tweet:

Jon Kyl once ate a badger he hit with his car. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatementless than a minute ago via SocialOomph Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Colbert
StephenAtHome

While I am disappointed to learn that Mr. Colbert's statement is rendered false by the hashtag, I am equally relieved that Archie's sentiment is clearly some sort of joke.

So, the message to take home from this is that Ocelots are dodgy, Wallabies are above reproach, and the badger population in the United States rages unchecked thanks to the inaction of Jon Kyl.

LAST WORDS

I love our welfare system and that we as a society help those amongst us who are most needy, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

WHY INDEED, MR. WOMBAT? RT @wombat1974 I love our welfare system, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Stupid intolerant macropodsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Rubbish burrowing welfare cheats!less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I think I have it worked out. Macropods are just upset that Vombatii make their own homes instead of waiting for gov't handoutsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Living under a pile of your own empty liquor bottles is hardly "building a home"! #WombatArchitectureless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Don't mind me. I'm just going to leave this here.

CROCODILE TEARS

@RacistWallaby hope your rellies are okay, saw this in the west! http://plixi.com/p/88037811less than a minute ago via EchofonLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

Rubbish!

Any time you see Crocs "circling," they're just queuing up to beg for change and spin a sob story about how they lost their job, their house, or their family for some made-up reason that ISN'T their own laziness and incompetence. They lose interest quick enough if they think there's an unattended purse or an abandoned stubby to be nicked.

I know for a fact that the wallaby in that photo distracted them by shouting, "Look, over there! Did someone lose a slab?" Not only was he able to get away, but he got himself a souvenir, as well.

So, look for the Wallabies out that way to be sporting new belts, boots, and handbags in the near future.

BEST NEWS OF THE DAY

What's not to love about this story of a Wallaby on the mend? "Connie Concrete" was nearly blinded in a so-called "construction mishap" last month, but she looks to be recovering nicely.

The story has two of my favourite things: a Wallaby's triumph over adversity, and the incompetence of the Platypus mafia on display for the world to see.

Oh, they're not mentioned overtly in the article, but this story has the clumsy, webbed fingerprints of that pack of vermin all over it.

"Concrete was accidentally poured on to [Connie] after she became stuck in a deep hole at a building site in Tewantin."

If she wasn't deliberately placed in that hole by hired Platypus goons, then I'm a Pademelon with a steroid abuse problem.

I'm not sure what she did to cross the mob, but seeing as no Wallaby would ever be involved in some of the usual misadventures that they try to resolve in this fashion (dispute over unpaid gambling debts, dealing drugs in their territory, etc.), I'm confident that she must be some sort of defence witness, probably for an important murder trial or something.

INDISTIGUISHABLE

Generally, I don't follow developments in the wine world — I'm not one of those Pademelon wine snobs who fusses over the cork — but I'm troubled by allegations raised in some row between U.S. and Australian wine companies:

The Wine Group of San Francisco caused uproar by releasing a Little Roo label which is strikingly similar to Casella Wines' Yellow Tail, featuring a wallaby. [...] Wallabies, Casella Wines contends, are "indistinguishable to most people" from kangaroos.

Indistinguishable?

What's not to distinguish? The Wallaby's regal bearing? Its grace? Its regard for personal hygiene? (To be an accurate representation, I would imagine that the Kangaroo picture is accompanied by a cloud of buzzing flies, and possibly a few stench lines to drive the point home.)

Do you honestly expect me to believe that people can't tell that — unlike the Kangaroo — the Wallaby is NOT hopping out of the gutter on his way to the bottle shop for another day of drinking away his government assistance cheque?

It's the simplest thing in the world to tell the two creatures apart. One is a quiet, respectful marsupial, and the other resorts to violence at the first opportunity.

I don't know which I would find more offensive, that Casella is assuming that the public at large is as ignorant and inattentive to detail as they are, or that the general public could harbour such a shameful lack of awareness.

FREE METH

So, I heard that the alternative cuts from the alternative government on the alternative budget are going to scrap free meth for unicorns!less than a minute ago via TweetDeckPossum Comitatus
Pollytics

@Pollytics That's only going to result in more crime committed by unicorns in our communities. Insanity.less than a minute ago via webJarrad Robb
jrrdrbb

I know I've just been talking about the havoc that meth-addicted foxes can cause in a community, but in light of the comments above, I cannot state this emphatically enough:

No decent Australian can support a program that provides meth to Unicorns.

Full stop.

Yes, there are few things on this earth more menacing than Unicorns on withdrawal, all flashing hooves and sparkling horns willing to carve you up for drug money, but you need to look at the big picture. After all, they've no incentive to clean up their sordid lifestyle if we willingly continue to enable them.

Naturally, ending the programme would lead to a short-term spike in violent crimes as the Unicorns' desperation drove them to extraordinary measures, but over time the casual meth users would straighten up or die off. Ultimately, the worst threats and heaviest users would be concentrated in the Unicorn slums, and no one in their right mind goes there anyway.

The rumourmongers would scare you with tales of wild-eyed Unicorn addicts roving the streets in search of a fix, but it's all smoke and mirrors to distract taxpayers from the fact that they are being forced to shoulder the burden of ridiculous equine subsidies. I have just one question for those who would claim that they are afraid of being mugged in dark alleys:

What are you doing in dark alleys in the first place?

Everyone knows that the hottest action is found in the public toilets.