TERRORIST DEMANDS

Can someone who speaks deviant tell those #lolphins that no matter how much trouble they cause, we'll NEVER legalise dolphin marriage!less than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

By now, you should have heard about the pod of Dolphins that briefly tried to stand in the way of progress, interrupting the scheduled demolition of the HMAS Adelaide by occupying the blast zone.

Breaking: Dolphins deliver demands as they halt sinking of Adelaide. Tell Sky News and ABC 24 "eee eee eee". Rudd called in to negotiate.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

Their antics caused a lot of fear and confusion.

Daughter nervous about the dolphins & #HMASAdelaide. Remembers a Simpsons episode where dolphins take over the world. Could it be happening?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDebra Duncan
DebinMelbourne

And some insightful criticism:

Those scuttling-delaying dolphins are just a bunch of NIMOs. #lolphins #HMASAdelaideless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

But looking back at the original story, one particular detail stands out:

Protesters attributed the presence of the dolphins to a local Aboriginal elder, Lila Kirby, who performed a whale calling ceremony on Sunday. Ms Kirby said the dolphins were making a statement.

Bloody right, they were making a statement! Dolphins never refuse an opportunity to "make a statement," with their ridiculous antics and shrill whistling about whatever politically correct rubbish has caught their fancy this week.

But look at that first sentence again. It was a whale calling ceremony. The Dolphins weren't even invited! Instead, they saw a bunch of bloody whales who were either completely fine with the idea of sinking the ship — or too lazy to do anything about it, which amounts to the same thing and is more likely the case with whales involved — and decided it was time to rush in and champion their own crackpot cause célèbre.

Fortunately, people kept their heads and remembered that there was a reason why we don't capitulate to the demands of the blow-hole mafia:

Every time we take in illegal #lolphins like this, some other displaced sealife in a war torn ocean has to wait #queuejumpingoceanshoppersless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyFake Coaching
ShockJockCoach

While others offered some sound suggestions on how to keep unruly Delphinidae gangs from causing this sort of upset in the future:

Clearly, #lolphins not respecting the exclusion zone around #HMASAdelaide is a failure of former NSW ALP Govt education. #nswpolless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

#HMASAdelaide #lolphins is clearly a failure of ALP immigration policy. #BaitfishPullFactorless than a minute ago via Gwibber-Fedora Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

And we can take comfort in the fact that they eventually proceeded with the demolition. I am thankful that during this crisis, there were at least a few officials who saw through the staged tears and political theatre to recognize what was really going on:

#HMASAdelaide Bloody dolphins. The Japanese were right. They are criminal gangs of the sea and need to be punished....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyNot Campbell Newman
Can_do_Campbell

I couldn't agree more.

CORRECT

Dolphins are basically the arseholes of the ocean. They turn on the cuteness to get sympathy from humans http://bit.ly/9aYwO7less than a minute ago via webKayakTheGibbon
KayakTheGibbon

I never thought I'd agree with a poo-flinging freeloader like Kayak, but I suppose even a stopped clock is right twice a day. If there's anything in the oceans more obnoxious than dolphins, I haven't seen it.

Take Moko for example:

Moko, a solo bottlenose dolphin, has spent the past three years swimming with people on New Zealand's North Island east coast.

He typically pushes them out to sea on surfboards, even leaving one woman stranded on a sea buoy when he stole her surfboard.

He has also overturned kayaks, tipped over water skiers and even interfered with surf lifeguard training.

Bloody Delphinidae. If there's one thing that goes right up my nose, it's those wretched marine mammals acting like they own the entire ocean.

APPELLATION

Wallaby just told me to change it to WaLLaBy_Smoove but i aint tryna do all dat.dat nigga bugginless than a minute ago via webWallaby Aloyicious
OpTiMiSt_GRiMe

That's...

That's actually quite catchy. You'd need to fix the spelling, but "Walla B. Smooth" is a pretty fantastic name (especially when you compare it to some of the nonsense clicks and whistles that most Dolphins are going by these days).