TERRORIST DEMANDS

Can someone who speaks deviant tell those #lolphins that no matter how much trouble they cause, we'll NEVER legalise dolphin marriage!less than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

By now, you should have heard about the pod of Dolphins that briefly tried to stand in the way of progress, interrupting the scheduled demolition of the HMAS Adelaide by occupying the blast zone.

Breaking: Dolphins deliver demands as they halt sinking of Adelaide. Tell Sky News and ABC 24 "eee eee eee". Rudd called in to negotiate.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

Their antics caused a lot of fear and confusion.

Daughter nervous about the dolphins & #HMASAdelaide. Remembers a Simpsons episode where dolphins take over the world. Could it be happening?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDebra Duncan
DebinMelbourne

And some insightful criticism:

Those scuttling-delaying dolphins are just a bunch of NIMOs. #lolphins #HMASAdelaideless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

But looking back at the original story, one particular detail stands out:

Protesters attributed the presence of the dolphins to a local Aboriginal elder, Lila Kirby, who performed a whale calling ceremony on Sunday. Ms Kirby said the dolphins were making a statement.

Bloody right, they were making a statement! Dolphins never refuse an opportunity to "make a statement," with their ridiculous antics and shrill whistling about whatever politically correct rubbish has caught their fancy this week.

But look at that first sentence again. It was a whale calling ceremony. The Dolphins weren't even invited! Instead, they saw a bunch of bloody whales who were either completely fine with the idea of sinking the ship — or too lazy to do anything about it, which amounts to the same thing and is more likely the case with whales involved — and decided it was time to rush in and champion their own crackpot cause célèbre.

Fortunately, people kept their heads and remembered that there was a reason why we don't capitulate to the demands of the blow-hole mafia:

Every time we take in illegal #lolphins like this, some other displaced sealife in a war torn ocean has to wait #queuejumpingoceanshoppersless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyFake Coaching
ShockJockCoach

While others offered some sound suggestions on how to keep unruly Delphinidae gangs from causing this sort of upset in the future:

Clearly, #lolphins not respecting the exclusion zone around #HMASAdelaide is a failure of former NSW ALP Govt education. #nswpolless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

#HMASAdelaide #lolphins is clearly a failure of ALP immigration policy. #BaitfishPullFactorless than a minute ago via Gwibber-Fedora Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

And we can take comfort in the fact that they eventually proceeded with the demolition. I am thankful that during this crisis, there were at least a few officials who saw through the staged tears and political theatre to recognize what was really going on:

#HMASAdelaide Bloody dolphins. The Japanese were right. They are criminal gangs of the sea and need to be punished....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyNot Campbell Newman
Can_do_Campbell

I couldn't agree more.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

Ocelots are honest mammals. They get framed a lot by scrupleless macropods #intendedtobeafactualstatementless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Replyarchiearchive
archiearchive

Of all the hashtags I've seen, this one has had quite a deleterious effect on my blood pressure.

I knew that @archiearchive wasn't normally given to pro-ocelot leanings, and he certainly has more sense than to imply that there is such a thing as an unscrupulous Wallaby, so his tweet left me feeling both outraged and betrayed.

It only makes sense if he meant to use the #NotIntendedtoBeaFactualStatement hashtag, which itself has caused a number of problems for me today, mostly thanks to the following tweet:

Jon Kyl once ate a badger he hit with his car. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatementless than a minute ago via SocialOomph Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Colbert
StephenAtHome

While I am disappointed to learn that Mr. Colbert's statement is rendered false by the hashtag, I am equally relieved that Archie's sentiment is clearly some sort of joke.

So, the message to take home from this is that Ocelots are dodgy, Wallabies are above reproach, and the badger population in the United States rages unchecked thanks to the inaction of Jon Kyl.

STABBED IN THE BACK

@ClimateElephant If I win you have a standing invitation to come to meet with me in Parliament House for a chat and a cuddle. JG #ausvotesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJulia Gillard
JuliaGillard

I'm as shocked to read that as you are, I'm sure.

Honestly, I thought she was keeping silent on the Dugong issue to avoid problems like the ones @TurnbullMalcolm encountered when he dared to give an honest opinion about squirrels. At the very least, I thought she'd try to maintain impartiality given her position, and here she is consorting with an Elephant. Shocking.

Mind you, it's not the climate change message I'm opposed to. I'd be right there giving them my full support if they had gone with a climate change Wallaby.

No, I'm upset that this message is being relayed by an lephant, some of the most notorious scolds imaginable. It's true, they never forget, and they never let you forget, either. Did something silly once upon a time, when you were having a night out with the lads? Maybe you'd forgotten about it, but there's always an Elephant lurking around the corner, just waiting for a chance to remind you.

A PEOPLE'S POLITICIAN

@RacistWallaby well in that case I don't like squirrels!less than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®Malcolm Turnbull
TurnbullMalcolm

That's the kind of clear thinking I like to see in government!

True, he later issued an apology after he was pressured by vocal pro-squirrel activists, but I think we all know where his sympathies really lie.

I just regret that he ever had to apologize in the first place. I can’t help but feel partially responsible, since liberals in the Emu-controlled media were all too quick to accuse @TurnbullMalcolm of consorting with Wallaby supremacists.

BUDGIE SMUGGLERS

I might mention that some budgie-smuggling politicians are apparently too good to follow their constituents back. #disappointmentless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Although she didn’t formally acknowledge my request, I still felt like @JuliaGillard heard it. That’s more than I can say for some other people who claim to represent the country’s best interests.

I think it’s also telling that @TonyAbbottMHR hasn’t addressed other pressing issues such as Emu plagiarism and the Quoll crimewave.

SHUFFLES FOR PM

#FF Look, when @mistershuffles becomes Prime Minister, I think we will all agree that racism in this country is over.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Shuffles for PM! That’s my opinion, if you were wondering.

Incidentally, I am shocked and disappointed to hear the rumours that I am only endorsing @MisterShuffles because my position as foreign minister in his cabinet would give me sweeping powers to crack down on Gibbons and other undesirables.

So shocked, in fact, that I shall decline to address them.