DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

FLYING VISIT

A grey fantail has just flown into the living room. I expect he will find his way out. Fantails are more adept at that than honeyeaters.less than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet ReplyBronwen Scott
Snailseyeview

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's God-bothering Honeyeaters and their rubbish pamphlets.

Give them the slightest opening and those bastards will be in your house, making themselves comfortable, and wanting to know if you've accepted Honeyeater Jesus as your personal saviour. They won't take "no" for an answer, and they can't take a hint.

"Oh you're just about to have tea? Well, I'll just join you, then."

"You're on your way to the dentist? Oh, this'll just take a minute of your time."

"You have a highly contagious rash? Well, the Lord is my armour, I shall not want for topical ointment after we've had a little chat about where your soul is headed in the afterlife."

I'll say this about Fantails: they don't muck about. They zip in, nick the silver, and race back out again before the dust has even settled. A bit more expensive than the average Honeyeater visitation, but I'd take it over an extended discussion on "the nature of God's love" any day of the week!

TERRORIST DEMANDS

Can someone who speaks deviant tell those #lolphins that no matter how much trouble they cause, we'll NEVER legalise dolphin marriage!less than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

By now, you should have heard about the pod of Dolphins that briefly tried to stand in the way of progress, interrupting the scheduled demolition of the HMAS Adelaide by occupying the blast zone.

Breaking: Dolphins deliver demands as they halt sinking of Adelaide. Tell Sky News and ABC 24 "eee eee eee". Rudd called in to negotiate.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

Their antics caused a lot of fear and confusion.

Daughter nervous about the dolphins & #HMASAdelaide. Remembers a Simpsons episode where dolphins take over the world. Could it be happening?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDebra Duncan
DebinMelbourne

And some insightful criticism:

Those scuttling-delaying dolphins are just a bunch of NIMOs. #lolphins #HMASAdelaideless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

But looking back at the original story, one particular detail stands out:

Protesters attributed the presence of the dolphins to a local Aboriginal elder, Lila Kirby, who performed a whale calling ceremony on Sunday. Ms Kirby said the dolphins were making a statement.

Bloody right, they were making a statement! Dolphins never refuse an opportunity to "make a statement," with their ridiculous antics and shrill whistling about whatever politically correct rubbish has caught their fancy this week.

But look at that first sentence again. It was a whale calling ceremony. The Dolphins weren't even invited! Instead, they saw a bunch of bloody whales who were either completely fine with the idea of sinking the ship — or too lazy to do anything about it, which amounts to the same thing and is more likely the case with whales involved — and decided it was time to rush in and champion their own crackpot cause célèbre.

Fortunately, people kept their heads and remembered that there was a reason why we don't capitulate to the demands of the blow-hole mafia:

Every time we take in illegal #lolphins like this, some other displaced sealife in a war torn ocean has to wait #queuejumpingoceanshoppersless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyFake Coaching
ShockJockCoach

While others offered some sound suggestions on how to keep unruly Delphinidae gangs from causing this sort of upset in the future:

Clearly, #lolphins not respecting the exclusion zone around #HMASAdelaide is a failure of former NSW ALP Govt education. #nswpolless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

#HMASAdelaide #lolphins is clearly a failure of ALP immigration policy. #BaitfishPullFactorless than a minute ago via Gwibber-Fedora Favorite Retweet Reply█████ ██████
iBleeter

And we can take comfort in the fact that they eventually proceeded with the demolition. I am thankful that during this crisis, there were at least a few officials who saw through the staged tears and political theatre to recognize what was really going on:

#HMASAdelaide Bloody dolphins. The Japanese were right. They are criminal gangs of the sea and need to be punished....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyNot Campbell Newman
Can_do_Campbell

I couldn't agree more.

CROCODILE TEARS

@RacistWallaby hope your rellies are okay, saw this in the west! http://plixi.com/p/88037811less than a minute ago via EchofonLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

Rubbish!

Any time you see Crocs "circling," they're just queuing up to beg for change and spin a sob story about how they lost their job, their house, or their family for some made-up reason that ISN'T their own laziness and incompetence. They lose interest quick enough if they think there's an unattended purse or an abandoned stubby to be nicked.

I know for a fact that the wallaby in that photo distracted them by shouting, "Look, over there! Did someone lose a slab?" Not only was he able to get away, but he got himself a souvenir, as well.

So, look for the Wallabies out that way to be sporting new belts, boots, and handbags in the near future.

REJOICE

The Mouse caught in trap was singing reggae and on closer inspection wearing a headscarf. Sorry kids, I think Rastamouse is dead.less than a minute ago via webmcckate
mcckate

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say!

Mice like that are a terrible influence on impressionable young Joeys. Their hideous music, appalling personal hygiene, and recreational drug use set exactly the wrong sort of example. The sooner you're rid of them, the better.

Of course, mice are also notorious for merely overdoing it and ending up in a near-catatonic stupor for days at a time. I'd hold off on the rejoicing until you're sure he's really dead, or else you'll think later that you're being visited by a tiny zombie with a ferocious case of "the munchies."

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

INVASION

Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJan Waller
JannieJan

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?