DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

CIVIC DUTY

I take my civic duties very seriously, which is why I carefully examine items like First Dog on the Moon's 2011: A Space Bandicoot calendar, scanning them for sentiments that are anti-Wallaby or otherwise harmful to society.

I acquired the First Dog calendar yesterday, and promptly began my review process. Sadly, I found objectionable materials almost immediately. I am greatly distressed that in this day and age, individuals are still given licence to publish and distribute this kind of content to the world at large.

Although providing an exhaustive list of the specific issues would be time-consuming and unhelpful, I will say that March's "dog bumming turtle" illustration is pure filth.

April's Stations of the Cross, as presented by the Potoroos of the Tamar Valley, is exactly the kind of Hostel-esque torture porn that the Pope warned us about.

And the bonus centrefold? Well, it required a special review session that had me retiring with it to the toilets to be certain that I could give it the kind of exacting scrutiny it deserved in suitable surroundings of contemplative silence.

Having carefully examined the calendar, I recommend that you buy two of them--one to burn immediately, one to burn after reading and condemning it, and quite possibly a third if your examination process is as rigorous as mine and some of the pages end up stuck together before you're finished.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to.

(For the record, my meeting is nowhere near the U.S. Embassy, and has nothing to do with the search for an informant to replace Mark Arbib. Any rumours to the contrary are COMPLETE RUBBISH.)

EXPECTED

Fuck yeah! http://t.co/hYKKEF6 via @youtubeless than a minute ago via Tweet ButtonAndy Richter
Richter_Andy

Why am I not surprised that when you have sloth, exploitation, and cruelty involved in a YouTube video, one of the subjects is a cat?