FITTING ENDS

Hey @RacistWallaby Your opinion of Koalas, please?less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyWolfie Rankin
Wolfie_Rankin

I'd be happy to give you an earful about Koalas--the problem is figuring out where to start!

For one thing, their shoddy attempt at re-branding by calling themselves Koala BEARS is complete rubbish. They're just linking themselves to a gang of embezzlers, fraudsters, and tax cheats. As if they had the work ethic!

The idea of a "Koala bear" actually being related to bears is as preposterous and fictional as those stories about Pademelons who'd rather be working at real jobs instead of cashing their unemployment assistance cheques.

Then there's the drug abuse. If you can show me a Koala that isn't stoned out of its mind for more than five minutes on any given day, I'll show you... Well, I'd be able to show you a unicorn and a cane toad with a valid guest worker permit, since you've obviously opened some sort of portal to a land full of mythical creatures.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the rampant Chlamydia that is killing them off. I've got mixed feelings on this one; obviously I don't harbour enough ill will towards Koalas to wish them dead, but my hands are tied: the Pope has given some very clear guidance on whether it is acceptable to use condoms for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.

Until they're willing to give up their depraved and hedonistic lifestyle, Koalas will just have to suffer God's punishment.

EXPECTED

Fuck yeah! http://t.co/hYKKEF6 via @youtubeless than a minute ago via Tweet ButtonAndy Richter
Richter_Andy

Why am I not surprised that when you have sloth, exploitation, and cruelty involved in a YouTube video, one of the subjects is a cat?

IN NUMBERS

Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Singular)
(Plural/variant)
(Mass Noun)

Bandicoot
Bandicoots
A Rubbish of Bandicoots

Dingo
Dingoes/Dingos
A Crack Den of Dingoes

Echidna
Pederasts
A Gang of Pederasts

Kangaroo
Kangaroos
A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

Koala
Koalas
A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
_{*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.}

Numbat
Numbats
A Mafia of Numbats

Pademelon
Pademelons
A Mistake of Pademelons

Platypus
Vermin
A Pack of Vermin

Possum
Possums
A Crime Wave of Possums

Wallaby
Wallabies/Wallabys
A Salvation of Wallabies

Wombat
Wombats
A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

INVASION

Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJan Waller
JannieJan

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

VALUE

Property Prices in Perth fall - and more reductions in property values are predicted.... http://fb.me/O3mtjj0Vless than a minute ago via Facebookabcmidwestwa
abcmidwestwa

There's a lot of rubbish speculation about what's happening in Perth's property market.

Perth's median house price fell five per cent in seasonally adjusted terms to $480,000 in September.

The fall makes Perth the country's weakest performing capital city market.

People are spouting all sorts of mumbo jumbo about uncertainty over the mining tax, cautious first-time home buyers, and "market corrections" causing the decline, but you know what the real cause is?

Numbats.

Once Numbats moved into the neighbourhood, everything went downhill. Crime rates soared--with a marked increase in incidents of vandalism--and previously honest, respectable neighbourhoods were overrun with drug use, loud music, and kids refusing to respect their elders.

Say what you want about investors waiting to see if the market softens further, but if potential buyers drive into a neighbourhood and see Numbats leaving their washing out to dry in full public view, letting their children run amok to scatter toys across the front lawns, and loitering in the streets, they'll keep on driving.

Am I wrong about this? Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine anyone having a worse effect on property values than Numbats.

RIPOFF ARTISTS

@RacistWallaby Actual Washington Post headline : Squirrels Refuse Medical Care http://tinyurl.com/297dgz8 (squirrels already high on PCB?)less than a minute ago via webDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

This was just a straight con job; I've seen it a hundred times.

You'll note that there were two squirrels in the area. When they spot a likely target, one of them gets "injured," and his accomplice rushes over and swears he saw the whole thing.

From that point on, it's just a straight shakedown. "Oi, I'm hurt, but I reckon we can settle this for a few dollars." For the right price, the "injured" squirrel and his partner can forget the whole thing ever happened.

The giveaway here is the way that the presence of the authorities suddenly healed them of their injuries. Mark my words: there's never any reason to trust a squirrel.

"YOUR MOTHER"

@RacistWallaby I had a run in with an Oryx while I was withdrawing money from the ATM today. #TheyreAllTheivingPunksless than a minute ago via webRosemarie Remlinger
ArrTeeArr

A feral Oryx might seem menacing at first, but there's a trick to dealing with them. The fact is that they're very sensitive, especially when it comes to jokes about their mothers.

Next time you face off against an Oryx that's up to no good, try telling it that its mother has a substance abuse problem, or struggles with morbid obesity. Once you've reduced it to tears, you can make a quick getaway.

DOOMED TO REPEAT

Unwed possum mothers are RUINING THIS COUNTRY. #immoral #vermin #damnitstrueless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Look, it's a sad fact that Possums don't know any better. No one wishes more than I that they could just figure out how to keep their legs closed long enough to earn their degree, but it's not going to happen.

Then again, given what they've got for role models, I shouldn't be surprised.