PACK OF LIES

Bah! The flood story is shameless Dove propaganda RT @firstdogonmoon may 21 is 7000 years since the noah's ark thingless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon Shameless dove scum. They are still spreading olives in the Adelaide hills too.less than a minute ago via webOwen Gale
OwentheWorld

@RacistWallaby That was nice of you to capitalize the "d" in dove. Secretly, do you like doves?less than a minute ago via webLimes Not Lemons
LimesNotLemons

Putting aside the debate over whether or not the events described in the bible actually happened, I think we can safely single out the flood and the story of Noah's Ark as highly suspect.

Do you expect me to believe that you could put two of every kind of animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 nights and have anything other than a royal mess by the end of it?

• Everyone would start to notice an epidemic of petty thefts by the second day, although they wouldn't know to blame the Quolls until the following week.



• On day six, the Dingos would be rail-thin and shaking as they went into heroin withdrawal.



• Two weeks in, there would be a colossal row as the Ostrich, Kookaburra, and Echidna ladies were found to be laying suspiciously Bandicoot-shaped eggs.



• The Sea Lion would need to be given a series of progressively more stern talkings-to each time he was caught spying in the public toilets.



• Potoroos would quickly set up a still in one of the cargo holds, which would have to be shut down after inadvertently poisoning half the crew.



• On the subject of the ship's crew, the Wombats and Kangaroos would be asked to pitch in and man the rigging, only to quit an hour into their shift, complaining of assorted back problems and demanding disability payments for sustaining injuries in the line of duty.



• And don't even get me started on the filth in which the Platypus couple would be living. By the end of the trip, their quarters would be positively squalid.

And who was responsible for this pack of lies masquerading as a feel-good story about interspecies cooperation? The same feathered vermin that portray themselves as the great heroes of the story, delivering word of dry land at the end of the ordeal. The Doves.

The whole thing was probably an elaborate ruse that they cooked up so they could sell timeshares on any one of the vast number of spots described as the "final" resting place of the ark.

Don't trust Doves. I never have, and I never will.

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

CONFRONTATION

Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order!(Remember) You can't fix what you wont confrontless than a minute ago via Mobile WebRev Run
RevRunWisdom

On the face of it, I agree with this idea. It certainly would do a world of good if Koalas were willing to confront the fact that they are never going to make an honest living until they put down the eucalyptus and do some real work for a change.

The problem is that there are some situations in which confrontation is ill-advised. For example, I grew tired of the mountains of discarded Westerfields and shoals of broken Mayfair bottles that had become an eyesore and a public health hazard in my neighbourhood, and confronted the Kangaroos responsible.

The results were less than productive. I'm still too traumatised to go into specifics, but @Brappy found this video that shows you just how readily those brutes will resort to violence:



So, I'd agree completely with @RevRunWisdom if he amends his statement to read:

"Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order! Unless you're dealing with Kangaroos, Wombats, Bandicoots, or other thugs who disdain common courtesy and refuse to listen to anyone they can intimidate."

However, I recognize that Twitter makes it impossible to squeeze that many characters into a post.

CIVIC DUTY

I take my civic duties very seriously, which is why I carefully examine items like First Dog on the Moon's 2011: A Space Bandicoot calendar, scanning them for sentiments that are anti-Wallaby or otherwise harmful to society.

I acquired the First Dog calendar yesterday, and promptly began my review process. Sadly, I found objectionable materials almost immediately. I am greatly distressed that in this day and age, individuals are still given licence to publish and distribute this kind of content to the world at large.

Although providing an exhaustive list of the specific issues would be time-consuming and unhelpful, I will say that March's "dog bumming turtle" illustration is pure filth.

April's Stations of the Cross, as presented by the Potoroos of the Tamar Valley, is exactly the kind of Hostel-esque torture porn that the Pope warned us about.

And the bonus centrefold? Well, it required a special review session that had me retiring with it to the toilets to be certain that I could give it the kind of exacting scrutiny it deserved in suitable surroundings of contemplative silence.

Having carefully examined the calendar, I recommend that you buy two of them--one to burn immediately, one to burn after reading and condemning it, and quite possibly a third if your examination process is as rigorous as mine and some of the pages end up stuck together before you're finished.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I must get to.

(For the record, my meeting is nowhere near the U.S. Embassy, and has nothing to do with the search for an informant to replace Mark Arbib. Any rumours to the contrary are COMPLETE RUBBISH.)

REGRETTABLE MISTAKE

@RacistWallaby My mother lived with a bandicoot while I was a child. No one cares! #ozcot #tcotless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Your "anything goes" attitude is undermining the MORAL FABRIC OF SOCIETY!less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Even you don't care - pick on the victim! sobless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

It takes a big Wallaby to admit when he's wrong, but if I didn't own up to my mistake I'd be no better than those stinking Kangaroos. (Don't get me started on them, with their haughty expressions and the smug way they lift their tails when they hop!) No, this is about a young man who was grievously wronged by the system, and my callous indifference toward his suffering.

I thought Archie's original post was written in the spirit of so many drugged-out Koalas, telling me to "cool down" and "relax" because in this "enlightened" day and age, "no one cares." In the face of that kind of overly permissive rubbish, demanding that I turn a blind eye to society's decay, my understandable response was to call him out on his faulty logic its Echidna-minded moral relativism.

However, Archie's clarification has revealed that it was actually a plea for help, and a lamentation of the fact that his suffering has gone unacknowledged for so long. The last thing he needed was someone kicking him while he was down.

In light of this information, I would like to apologize to Archie, and I hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us in order to raise awareness of the shameful parenting practises of modern Bandicoots.

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

RACISM HAS ENDED

@RacistWallaby Good gwief. First the penguin now a wallaby. They twied to pass a penguin off as a wabbit http://bit.ly/cCJ7QTless than a minute ago via webThe Wabbit
followthewabbit

It's true. I've heard lots of people talk about how they try to "see beyond race," but it's usually just rubbish spouted by bigots. However, there's a taxi driver in Ireland who appears to actually mean it.

"Three men climbed the perimeter fence and entered the penguin habitat [at Dublin Zoo], capturing a 10-year-old female named Kelli.

They put her into a sack and left the zoo where they hailed a taxi passing through the Phoenix Park.

They told the driver they had a rabbit with them and he dropped them in Dublin's north inner city."

I do my best to overlook the inherent lechery of Koalas, the shiftless thievery of Wombats, the and the tendency towards foul language exhibited by most Bandicoots, but I must admit that I am hard-pressed at times.

It must take an unbelievably tolerant person to overlook a penguin's widely known propensity for bawdy horseplay (which usually stops just shy of being legally actionable indecency) to believe that it's just a rabbit.

LIKENESS

Anyone would have thought that Bandicoot was the nanny! Why did she take it so personally? #touchy #verminless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That baby didn't look like a Bandicoot, and I really think that's the heart of the issue here.

Look, if you see a Bandicoot out and about, tending to a baby that clearly isn't purebred Bandicoot, it's natural to assume that you're seeing the help out for a stroll with the family's newest addition. Anyone would think that, and I really didn't deserve that kind of response from her just for implying that the baby wasn't hers.

If you ask me, she went on the offensive so quickly because she's embarrassed by who the father is. Look, just because you couldn't find a proper Bandicoot husband, that's no reason to take it out on me.

NOT ANTI-JAPANESE

@JC_Andrews Mention how the Bandicoots spied for the Japanese in exchange for all the rice wine they could drink (tonnes)less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people have questioned my specific mention of "rice wine" in this statement as derogatory, but it's entirely defensible.

After all, if you're an alcoholic who is looking to be paid in booze, what would you expect to get from the Land of the Rising Sun? Not vodka, ouzo, or shandies, certainly.