DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

HA HA HA

@RacistWallaby wow, strange picture. It makes you look like a red kangaroo! I thought you'd be trying to distance yourself from them. )less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyJKRLMazur
JKRLMazur

I'm quite certain I have no idea what you're talking about.

My avatar is now, and has always been, a pleasing shade of grey commonly associated with wallaby fur, the cooled ashes of last night's campfire, and rational thought.

My avatar is not now—and has never been—any other colour that could possibly be confused with that of a Red Kangaroo.

And I would certainly never be involved in anything that could be misconstrued as trolling for steamy, lurid, and anonymous Kangaroo sex.

Unless it's a joke? Yes, that must be it.

HA HA HA. GOOD ONE, MATE! WOULDN'T THAT BE A LAUGH? ME, LOOKING LIKE A KANGAROO!

EXAGGERATION

'The Emu War, also known as the Great Emu War' - nice try, dudes.less than a minute ago via web   Favorite | Retweet | Replydavid finig
davidfinig

Bloody Emus. They can be such drama queens. The so-called "Emu War" was just two lads arguing over footy scores.

When they injure themselves, it's not a paper cut, it's a "serious laceration that needs emergency medical attention."

If you're having a laugh while they're droning away at one of their speeches, it's not a rude noise, it's a "grotesque display of indecency that has completely undermined the solemnity of the event."

And God forbid you ever tap one accidentally during an inattentive moment behind the wheel.

Incidentally, can anyone recommend a good attorney? Not for anything major, just some rubbish about reckless endangerment, operating a vehicle with a suspended licence, and wilful damage to property. I'm sure the "attempted murder" business is a complete misunderstanding.

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

NOT GUILTY

Fred Nile has blamed #TCYasi and the Qld floods on the number of gay wallabies in Australia.less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Well, I certainly don't know anything about it!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but I am sick and tired of addressing these rumours.

Last Wednesday my friends Esteban, Francois, and Eduardo came over to help me move my couch. That's why there was so much grunting and heavy breathing.

And on Friday, I was doing all that moaning because I had an upset stomach after eating some bad spinach. My friend Rinaldo came over because he heard that I was unwell.

I really think it's deplorable the way some people will take the kindness of a concerned Wallaby and twist it into sordid rumours and innuendoes.

If anything, it was probably those Kangaroos. You know how they carry on in public toilets!

CALLING THE SHOTS

See also: Cults. Those researchers look a lot like Patty Hearst to me. #Stockholm @mcckate http://ow.ly/3kQoIless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I'm not going to say that Pandas are running the Wolong conservation centre as some kind of mind control cult, because that would be irresponsible rumour mongering.

What I am saying is that one of my mates knows a fella who took a job there, and he hasn't been allowed to leave.

They lured him there with the promises of a high salary and the chance to do important conservation work, and now they're controlling what he eats, when he can sleep, and what he wears.

Compare these two photos:















Again, I'm not saying anything outright, I just think the similarities between those suit-wearing researchers and a gun-toting Patty Hearst are noteworthy.

"Oh," I hear you saying, "but Pandas are cute, and cuddly, and couldn't possibly be involved in anything sinister!"

To that I say, "You don't know Pandas very well, do you?"

NOW ACCEPTING CASH OR CHEQUE

It's never too late to cash in on the dot com craze, I say!

After having a look around the website for incubator incubator, I've decided to launch my own technology startup.

It's going to be called MIRacist? (pronounced M-I-Racist), and here's what I put on the application form:

MIRacist? harnesses the inherent synergy in peer-to-peer networking and crowdsourcing to leverage user-generated content for a new internet 2.0 paradigm.

Users can visit MIRacist to upload their contact lists from popular applications and social networking sites like LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. In addition to storing these contact lists in order to generate our own mailing lists for announcing exciting site upgrades and special offers, the site will tell them whether they are racist based on the people they associate with.

You know, like a hotornot.com for racists.

(Regardless of whether or not I hear back from them, I'm now seeking venture capital and looking for a few Crocodile boffins who can make the whole thing work. Get in on the ground floor!)

CONFUSION

@iamtheoracle twatterers. i block people all the time. i check their feeds, if they look like twats, i block.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckKimberley Ramplin
Kimbo_Ramplin

@ben_hr @BiteTheDust I admit to also blocking those accounts like the teeth whitening, or the promos where it's just a tweetstream.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckaptronym
aptronym

This can't be right.

It turns out that I'm blocked by both @Kimbo_Ramplin and @aptronym. Either there has been some kind of mistake, or...

OR THEY'RE RACIST AGAINST WALLABIES.

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

APOLOGY

Where is common decency? You'd never catch Kerri-Anne Kennerley or @mirandadevine #bumpingwallabies #ozcotless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I would like to take this space to issue a formal apology to Ms. Kennerly and Ms. Devine.

I had no idea how people were using "Wallaby" as a slang term. In no way whatsoever did Ms. Kennerly's recent comments influence my thinking or choice of words.

It may have appeared that I was carrying on like a Pademelon, but nothing could have been further from the truth. Honest.

LIKENESS

Anyone would have thought that Bandicoot was the nanny! Why did she take it so personally? #touchy #verminless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That baby didn't look like a Bandicoot, and I really think that's the heart of the issue here.

Look, if you see a Bandicoot out and about, tending to a baby that clearly isn't purebred Bandicoot, it's natural to assume that you're seeing the help out for a stroll with the family's newest addition. Anyone would think that, and I really didn't deserve that kind of response from her just for implying that the baby wasn't hers.

If you ask me, she went on the offensive so quickly because she's embarrassed by who the father is. Look, just because you couldn't find a proper Bandicoot husband, that's no reason to take it out on me.

NO PROBLEM

I may be drunk, but you are a Dingo, and I shall be sober sometime tomorrow afternoon.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Look, I'm tired of repeating myself. I don't have a drinking problem. I can quit any time I want, and I shouldn't be made to suffer just because my neighbours are afraid to have a good time.