TEASE

Cats in prison. Amazing. http://bit.ly/bxiilG (via @duncangeere)less than a minute ago via TweetDeckTom Royal
tomroyal

Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.

Deportation.

DRUG-RELATED

WELLINGTON (AFP) – An angry sea lion attacked a rowing boat in New Zealand's Otago Harbour, cracking the 40,000 dollar (30,000 US) vessel's hull, it was reported Thursday.

Sometimes, I think the news takes things too far in its quest to remain "impartial." Anyone can see what was really going on here.

It was drug-related.

I'm not saying that the sea lion was on drugs (because that would be redundant), I'm saying that this was about who had the right to sell drugs in the area. The Otago Peninsula is a particularly lucrative region for trade in illicit substances, with an abundance of clients that include the royal albatross, the yellow-eyed penguin (care to guess how its eyes got that way?), and assorted seals with their notorious appetites.

Sea lion cartels have controlled sales in the area for quite some time, and take a dim view of anyone challenging their monopoly.

"I saw this dark figure looming under the boat. I felt it hit and, seconds after, water came gushing up... it was panic stations," rower Matt Smail told the Otago Daily Times.

A word to the wise if you're going to be rowing in Otago Harbour: try not to look like a drug dealer. Sea lions don't take kindly to competition.

I AM TIRED OF THEIR GRAFFITI

That just leaves more of them to spraypaint tags on overpasses RT @JerryThomas I help the environment by eating only one panda per day.less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

It's a question of priorities, really. Sure, it sounds environmentally friendly, until you realize that he's not going to make up for it by spending more time erasing their bloody tags from every blank surface within spraying distance.