FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

WHY INDEED?

Why hasn't the EU thought of the EMU emu? A mascot that explains macroeconomic policy to diplomats?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplySalut Neko
salutneko

That's a great idea. While we're at it, why don't we use taxpayer funds to train sex offenders for new work as gynaecologists?

I'd take macroeconomic policy explanations from an Emu about as seriously as I'd take advice from a squirrel on staying sober.

NONSENSE

@indiaknight Incense = eucalyptus. Koalas not v. bright either. Especially weak at metaphysical reasoning.less than a minute ago via webmcckate
mcckate

Most Koala talk is rubbish, but it crosses over into a whole new realm of nonsensical gibberish when they start going on about their spirituality.

If you've never had the misfortune of having a Koala offer to "re-align your chakras," "smooth out your energy flow," or sat through one of their lectures on spiritual oneness and the inherent divinity present in all of us, consider yourself lucky.

What really makes me angry is the number of Koalas who have decided that they can make a living from it, spruiking crystals, candles, and all manner of nonsense that they expect us to pay hard-earned dollars for.

Getting stoned out of your mind on eucalyptus and telling people to "chill out" is not a valid career choice!

It's well past time the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked into them.

TEASE

Cats in prison. Amazing. http://bit.ly/bxiilG (via @duncangeere)less than a minute ago via TweetDeckTom Royal
tomroyal

Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.

Deportation.

INVASION

Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJan Waller
JannieJan

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

POPULARITY

Bought a deodorant stick. The instructions said to remove top and push up bottom. Can't walk very well but my farts smell lovely!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJohn Gallagher
fulhamgagsy

You know you've made it big time when your tweet gets recycled again

I bought a deodorant stick today, the instructions said "remove top and push up bottom".

I can't walk very well but my farts smell nice.less than a minute ago via TwitBirdTyrell Beckham
tizforever

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesomeless than a minute ago via webDave Baldwin
dbalders

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckLee Searles
LJSearles

and again.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome...less than a minute ago via webMaxx Hendriks
maxxhendriks

I can't really tell why this idea is so popular. I mean, it's the kind of blatant disregard for personal hygiene shown by most Kookaburras, but it's also the crude toilet humor so beloved by Crocodiles. Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's just a bunch of Kangaroos who think they're being helpful by sharing personal grooming tips. At least it's a helpful list of accounts to block, I reckon. Did I miss anyone?

RACISM HAS ENDED

@RacistWallaby Good gwief. First the penguin now a wallaby. They twied to pass a penguin off as a wabbit http://bit.ly/cCJ7QTless than a minute ago via webThe Wabbit
followthewabbit

It's true. I've heard lots of people talk about how they try to "see beyond race," but it's usually just rubbish spouted by bigots. However, there's a taxi driver in Ireland who appears to actually mean it.

"Three men climbed the perimeter fence and entered the penguin habitat [at Dublin Zoo], capturing a 10-year-old female named Kelli.

They put her into a sack and left the zoo where they hailed a taxi passing through the Phoenix Park.

They told the driver they had a rabbit with them and he dropped them in Dublin's north inner city."

I do my best to overlook the inherent lechery of Koalas, the shiftless thievery of Wombats, the and the tendency towards foul language exhibited by most Bandicoots, but I must admit that I am hard-pressed at times.

It must take an unbelievably tolerant person to overlook a penguin's widely known propensity for bawdy horseplay (which usually stops just shy of being legally actionable indecency) to believe that it's just a rabbit.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via webRay William Johnson
RayWJ

Mocking Koala bears and telling "your mother" jokes are like peanut butter and chocolate for me. But too much of it can make you sick. After @RayWJ did something great, these idiots went and made me sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via webMatt Skajem
MattSAcerbatus

Sick:

FacebookFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via webRyan Alexander
RyanBFN

Sick:

DID YOU KNOW: Koala bears are NOT actually bears!!! They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki. true story. LOLless than a minute ago via webHector M Campos
hectormcampos

Sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneLindsey
ItsLalu

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via webSheen Malik
Sheen99

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via web✔ Lascelle Legend
LascelleLegend

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneDanny FunGhoul Kelly
Dkell477

So after I'm done vomiting, it looks like I'll be blocking a few more plagiarists who are less creative than an Echidna with a head injury...

RIPOFF ARTISTS

@RacistWallaby Actual Washington Post headline : Squirrels Refuse Medical Care http://tinyurl.com/297dgz8 (squirrels already high on PCB?)less than a minute ago via webDarryl Mason
DarrylMason

This was just a straight con job; I've seen it a hundred times.

You'll note that there were two squirrels in the area. When they spot a likely target, one of them gets "injured," and his accomplice rushes over and swears he saw the whole thing.

From that point on, it's just a straight shakedown. "Oi, I'm hurt, but I reckon we can settle this for a few dollars." For the right price, the "injured" squirrel and his partner can forget the whole thing ever happened.

The giveaway here is the way that the presence of the authorities suddenly healed them of their injuries. Mark my words: there's never any reason to trust a squirrel.

THEFT

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via webCaissie St.Onge
Caissie

I guess that if this joke wasn't funny, it wouldn't have been stolen, but consider the following persons outed as joke-stealing plagiarists and suspected Emus:

Deleted email from Mrs. Obama with subject line "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneNick Starr
NickStarr

Just deleted an email from Obama with the subject "I Need Your Help"without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if he's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via EchofonFarzan Karimi
Karimi

Just deleted an email from Mrs.Obama w/ subject "I Need Your Help" without reading. Now I feel guilty. What if she's stuck in an elevator?less than a minute ago via webiLana Pacheco
ilapacheco

PLAGUE

Locust plagues could cost Australia billions http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/09/02/3000537.htm @abcnews #locustsless than a minute ago via webLisa Wheildon
lisawheildon

Yes, the possibility of plague locusts decimating crops is a grave concern. However, is this threat really that much different from the rapacious freeloaders that already threaten—on a daily basis—to milk welfare benefits until the teat runs dry?

The only difference between Locusts and Numbats on the dole is that Locusts have the decency not to send government thugs to seize your property before they squander it. I actually respect Locusts in that sense, for taking the initiative to go out and grab what they want instead of waiting for some officious bureaucrat to hand it to them. It doesn't require the establishment of new federal agencies and there's no need to commission a number of pointless studies into whether you should be forced to hand over 90% or 95% of the pay earned by your own hard labour.

Yes, it's a bad time to be a farmer, but let's not lose sight of the greater issues.

BRAZEN

Time to poach someone else's ideas for my own glorification. That's right - bears aren't always original but they are the best.less than a minute ago via webBhalu the Bear
bhalu

There's not much I can say, really.

Brazen plagiarism matched with overblown vanity? Considering that it's coming from a bear, you really shouldn't be surprised.

NOT A PUNCHLINE

They can, they just want your help so they can nick your wallet while you're distracted @Captainsuburbia why can't wombats cross the road?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@Captainsuburbia has noticed one of the more heartrending aspects of the Wombat lifestyle. They’re all addicted to drugs, and feed their addiction by stealing from kind — but inattentive — passers-by.

The tragic part of the cycle comes when they eventually lose control and succumb to a lethal overdose; then their comrades display the bodies by the roadside to make it look like a traffic accident, effectively shaming more motorists into stopping to offer “assistance.”

The next time you stop to help a Wombat cross the road, check to see if his pupils are dilated first.

ZULUVELA

A friend of mine was arrested at the world cup for stealing a joke about blowing a Zulu's vulva. Bloody Emu plagairists.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

A lot of people seem to be taking this the wrong way. I'm not trying to be obscene, I'm pointing out that one joke keeps getting stolen, and I'm sick of it. It's this sort of shameful disregard for attribution and intellectual property that gives Emus their (deservedly) bad name.

STOP, THIEF!

A Quoll will steal the fillings out of your teeth if you don't keep a sharp eye on it!less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

It all started with this news story about a Quoll discovered in a car engine that “went for a ride.”

Some have tried to dismiss it as the immature antics of a young Quoll out for a joyride. Rubbish, I say! That Quoll was trying to hotwire that car, and he knew exactly what he was doing.

How much longer will we allow these cheeky thieves to rely on innocent looks and an “I didn’t know any better!” defence?

A MISUNDERSTANDING

Yes, I rang the police. When you see a Wombat carrying posh electronics around, who wouldn't think they were stolen? #understandablemistakeless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Look, I didn't know that Steve was new to the neighbourhood. I'm sure that in time, he'll come to appreciate the fact that I'm only looking out for his best interests as a resident.