Theme Weeks: A Good Idea?

I was in my yard the other day posting "BANDICOOTS NOT WANTED" signs, as you do, when it struck me how often things happen in cycles.

First you're telling Potoroos to stop leaving their used drug needles just lying about, then you see some Potoroos downtown begging for change (that they're clearly just going to spend on more drugs), and then you read about the police busting up a massive underground Potoroo drug ring.

Then you notice that your Quoll neighbour has an unusually large number of "gentleman callers," and after that you're downtown and some quoll propositions you, and then you're in a public toilet with — look, that last bit's not important. The thing is that there always seems to be some sort of pattern going on, so I thought I'd try some theme weeks on Twitter.

You may have noticed it with my #bookweek tag last week. Everyone knows how Squirrels don't have any use for literature, and Wombats are as likely to deface a book as open it, but have you ever stopped and thought about how the way they treat books reflects on their respective species as a whole? I found the exercise to be quite illuminating.

This week, I'll be looking at the different ways that they handle money (or can't handle it in some cases — LOOKING AT YOU, PADEMELONS). What do you think? Any thoughts, or suggestions for future topics?

OPINIONATED

Dear @RacistWallaby, I would be interested in your opinion of this: http://bit.ly/iiUOC2. Yours Sincerely, Annasonic.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Replyanna
annasonic

Hmm. What is my opinion of the Wombat Hilton, where "Sixteen wombats loll about under the care of retirees Manfred and Helen Heide"?

My opinion of it is that these sort of establishments, well-intentioned as they may be, are doing grave harm to the Wombat community. Shelters like this for "orphaned and injured" wombats only encourage them to engage in risky behaviour to sustain injury that they can capitalise on, or — in extreme cases — incite them to patricide. Well, matricide, mostly, since Wombat fathers are notorious deadbeats who refuse to help raise their children.

I'm sure that Aidan McLindon agrees with me when I say that these sorts of facilities need to encourage Wombats to go back to the wild and stop subsisting on handouts. The Dreamworld theme park in Queensland is having similar problems with bludging wombats, specifically with Coco, its own Wombat welfare queen:

"She's basically a big fat wombat who loves her tucker," park curator Julia Leonard said. "She's a bit of a sook really"

Personally, I think it's a flaw in their genetic makeup that compels them to look for the easy way out and avoid doing real work.

Why, just this past Anzac day, While we were celebrating our brave diggers and their heroic contributions to this great nation's history, they were watching Private's Progress and taking notes on better ways to rort the system.

Dedicated "to all those who got away with it," indeed!

LAST WORDS

I love our welfare system and that we as a society help those amongst us who are most needy, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

WHY INDEED, MR. WOMBAT? RT @wombat1974 I love our welfare system, but why would you be upset about system cheats?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Stupid intolerant macropodsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Rubbish burrowing welfare cheats!less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

I think I have it worked out. Macropods are just upset that Vombatii make their own homes instead of waiting for gov't handoutsless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Living under a pile of your own empty liquor bottles is hardly "building a home"! #WombatArchitectureless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Don't mind me. I'm just going to leave this here.

SOMEONE GETS IT

Wombats are too alarmist, and overlook the benefits posed by genetically modified foods. #WhatCouldGoWrong?less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

What if they turn into mutant zombie monsters that kill you on sight.... oh wait never mindless than a minute ago via Seesmic for AndroidWolf Cocklin
wolfcat

See? It's a widely known fact that Wombats will attack with little or no provocation.

Considering how vicious, slow-witted, and ugly Wombats are in general, is there really any more damage that can be done to them? I say we put them on the GM feed, and keep the real food for the rest of us.

PACK OF LIES

Bah! The flood story is shameless Dove propaganda RT @firstdogonmoon may 21 is 7000 years since the noah's ark thingless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon Shameless dove scum. They are still spreading olives in the Adelaide hills too.less than a minute ago via webOwen Gale
OwentheWorld

@RacistWallaby That was nice of you to capitalize the "d" in dove. Secretly, do you like doves?less than a minute ago via webLimes Not Lemons
LimesNotLemons

Putting aside the debate over whether or not the events described in the bible actually happened, I think we can safely single out the flood and the story of Noah's Ark as highly suspect.

Do you expect me to believe that you could put two of every kind of animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 nights and have anything other than a royal mess by the end of it?

• Everyone would start to notice an epidemic of petty thefts by the second day, although they wouldn't know to blame the Quolls until the following week.



• On day six, the Dingos would be rail-thin and shaking as they went into heroin withdrawal.



• Two weeks in, there would be a colossal row as the Ostrich, Kookaburra, and Echidna ladies were found to be laying suspiciously Bandicoot-shaped eggs.



• The Sea Lion would need to be given a series of progressively more stern talkings-to each time he was caught spying in the public toilets.



• Potoroos would quickly set up a still in one of the cargo holds, which would have to be shut down after inadvertently poisoning half the crew.



• On the subject of the ship's crew, the Wombats and Kangaroos would be asked to pitch in and man the rigging, only to quit an hour into their shift, complaining of assorted back problems and demanding disability payments for sustaining injuries in the line of duty.



• And don't even get me started on the filth in which the Platypus couple would be living. By the end of the trip, their quarters would be positively squalid.

And who was responsible for this pack of lies masquerading as a feel-good story about interspecies cooperation? The same feathered vermin that portray themselves as the great heroes of the story, delivering word of dry land at the end of the ordeal. The Doves.

The whole thing was probably an elaborate ruse that they cooked up so they could sell timeshares on any one of the vast number of spots described as the "final" resting place of the ark.

Don't trust Doves. I never have, and I never will.

HARDLY

@paddybts @RacistWallaby A seeing eye wombat would be great on crowded city footpaths.less than a minute ago via webern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

Great for dragging you into every bar, brothel, and other den of vice within walking distance, you mean! The only direction that a Wombat will lead you in is one that goes down the path to liver failure, poverty, and venereal disease.

However, there may be something to the idea of using animals besides dogs for assistance. I understand that they're giving seeing eye ponies a go, with mixed results.

I haven't always been a fan of horses, and still maintain that they're as lazy as the day is long, but it might remind some of the more irresponsible seeing eye dogs that they're easily replaceable, and that they'd better watch their step if they know what's good for 'em.

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

FUTILITY

Trying to explain to Lil that 'numbat' and 'wombat' are different words and different animals...less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneKate
thepurple8

Talk about a thankless job! Sure, you could explain how Wombats and Numbats are different, but it's not like you can trust either of them with your car keys.

Fine, the two have different diets. Well, I can tell you firsthand that they have similar appetites for malt liquor and methamphetamines!

The only real difference is that the nocturnal one breaks into your house while you're asleep, and the diurnal one waits until you've left for work.

So you could explain that they're separate animals, but why bother? Once you're done, can you really say you've made the world a better place?

CONFRONTATION

Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order!(Remember) You can't fix what you wont confrontless than a minute ago via Mobile WebRev Run
RevRunWisdom

On the face of it, I agree with this idea. It certainly would do a world of good if Koalas were willing to confront the fact that they are never going to make an honest living until they put down the eucalyptus and do some real work for a change.

The problem is that there are some situations in which confrontation is ill-advised. For example, I grew tired of the mountains of discarded Westerfields and shoals of broken Mayfair bottles that had become an eyesore and a public health hazard in my neighbourhood, and confronted the Kangaroos responsible.

The results were less than productive. I'm still too traumatised to go into specifics, but @Brappy found this video that shows you just how readily those brutes will resort to violence:



So, I'd agree completely with @RevRunWisdom if he amends his statement to read:

"Confrontation is the key to keeping things in order! Unless you're dealing with Kangaroos, Wombats, Bandicoots, or other thugs who disdain common courtesy and refuse to listen to anyone they can intimidate."

However, I recognize that Twitter makes it impossible to squeeze that many characters into a post.

WALLACE

@firstdogonmoon ask the racist Wallaceless than a minute ago via Seesmic for AndroidWolf Cocklin
wolfcat

@firstdogonmoon I meant racist wallaby .... silly auto correctless than a minute ago via Seesmic for AndroidWolf Cocklin
wolfcat

@wolfcat I think I liked Wallace better. Was going to get Grommit onto youless than a minute ago via TweetDeckRobbo
BiteTheDust

It's a funny thing, really. I was just talking with an Alligator friend of mine from the States the other day (ANOTHER non-macropod friend!), and we were discussing how Wallace was indeed a racist.



Of course, I can see how some of the less socially-conscious users of Twitter would overlook the more notable opponents of equality from the last century in favour of an animated clay figure. One really mustn't blame them for their ignorance.

Can we say the same of Nick Park, though? To my knowledge, he has never explicitly gone on record denying that he named his most famous character after one of the most vocal champions of segregation in the United States.

But we should get back to that later. This whole exchange started when @FirstDogonMoon asked a simple question:

Do wombats have an internal penis?less than a minute ago via TweetDeckMr Onthemoon
firstdogonmoon

The answer he was looking for is, "Yes. Yes indeed." That's because Wombats are complete cocks, through and through.

IN NUMBERS

Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Singular)
(Plural/variant)
(Mass Noun)

Bandicoot
Bandicoots
A Rubbish of Bandicoots

Dingo
Dingoes/Dingos
A Crack Den of Dingoes

Echidna
Pederasts
A Gang of Pederasts

Kangaroo
Kangaroos
A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

Koala
Koalas
A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
_{*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.}

Numbat
Numbats
A Mafia of Numbats

Pademelon
Pademelons
A Mistake of Pademelons

Platypus
Vermin
A Pack of Vermin

Possum
Possums
A Crime Wave of Possums

Wallaby
Wallabies/Wallabys
A Salvation of Wallabies

Wombat
Wombats
A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

INVASION

Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJan Waller
JannieJan

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

MISUNDERSTOOD

4 hours wasted in this public toilet without getting a single Kangaroo proposition #Disappointed #DoNotTweetThisless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Before you rush to judgment, you should know the facts.

I've recently become involved in a new outreach programme that specialises in counselling at-risk kangaroos who are engaging in destructive behaviour. You can't find those sorts of troubled souls in churches and libraries, you have to engage them on their home turf.

That's what I was doing in that toilet, and what could be riskier or more self destructive than anonymous coupling with strangers on a Friday night?

That #DoNotTweetThis tag? Well, I don't like to brag about my good works, that's all. Mostly, I was disappointed that I wasn't able to make a positive difference in the world. I could have spent that time volunteering to feed crack-addicted Bandicoots or teaching unemployed Wombats how to read.

I suppose that we can be cheered by the fact that my mission of mercy was unsuccessful. It means that there are no sweaty, illicit goings-on in our public lavatories. That's right, the reports of sordid activity and frenzied orgies of firm bodies and supple tails have been wildly exaggerated. Don't go looking for passionate moaning, thrusting hips, and heavy panting in the throes of ecstasy at the public lavatory, because you won't find any!

So there's that, I reckon.

RACISM HAS ENDED

@RacistWallaby Good gwief. First the penguin now a wallaby. They twied to pass a penguin off as a wabbit http://bit.ly/cCJ7QTless than a minute ago via webThe Wabbit
followthewabbit

It's true. I've heard lots of people talk about how they try to "see beyond race," but it's usually just rubbish spouted by bigots. However, there's a taxi driver in Ireland who appears to actually mean it.

"Three men climbed the perimeter fence and entered the penguin habitat [at Dublin Zoo], capturing a 10-year-old female named Kelli.

They put her into a sack and left the zoo where they hailed a taxi passing through the Phoenix Park.

They told the driver they had a rabbit with them and he dropped them in Dublin's north inner city."

I do my best to overlook the inherent lechery of Koalas, the shiftless thievery of Wombats, the and the tendency towards foul language exhibited by most Bandicoots, but I must admit that I am hard-pressed at times.

It must take an unbelievably tolerant person to overlook a penguin's widely known propensity for bawdy horseplay (which usually stops just shy of being legally actionable indecency) to believe that it's just a rabbit.

NOT A PUNCHLINE

They can, they just want your help so they can nick your wallet while you're distracted @Captainsuburbia why can't wombats cross the road?less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@Captainsuburbia has noticed one of the more heartrending aspects of the Wombat lifestyle. They’re all addicted to drugs, and feed their addiction by stealing from kind — but inattentive — passers-by.

The tragic part of the cycle comes when they eventually lose control and succumb to a lethal overdose; then their comrades display the bodies by the roadside to make it look like a traffic accident, effectively shaming more motorists into stopping to offer “assistance.”

The next time you stop to help a Wombat cross the road, check to see if his pupils are dilated first.

THE CAMPAIGN MARCHES ON

@RacistWallaby @MisterShuffles @JKRLMazur but will they stop the batsless than a minute ago via TweetDecktip
tip66

Naturally, all of the recent developments in the election have kept me on the edge of my seat. After careful consideration, I have decided to decline @JKRLMazur's kind offer to become PM and continue to support @MisterShuffles.

Meanwhile, @tip66 poses an interesting question, albeit a mildly confusing one. Bats? As foreign minister, my policies would be staunchly anti-wombat. And I've got my eye on those cave bats, too. And don't get me started on fruit bats!

Unless he's talking about beats. That's a different subject altogether. Honestly, I'm not really clear on how to respond.

A MISUNDERSTANDING

Yes, I rang the police. When you see a Wombat carrying posh electronics around, who wouldn't think they were stolen? #understandablemistakeless than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Look, I didn't know that Steve was new to the neighbourhood. I'm sure that in time, he'll come to appreciate the fact that I'm only looking out for his best interests as a resident.