FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

HOSTAGE CRISIS

On Thursday, 19 May, a Wallaby abroad in Lyme Regis, UK, was detained without due process.

On the heels of this shocking rights violation, a Wallaby in Denham Springs, Louisiana, was arrested without a warrant the following weekend.

Neither has been granted access to legal counsel, and both are being held under conditions that I can only assume are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. I've already alerted Amnesty International about the situation.

In the meantime, in the absence of direction from the foreign minister, I shall be travelling to the U.K. and the United States to demand the release of these political detainees. My boss has only given me a week's time off from work (leave it to a Kookaburra to be completely unresponsive to a pair of international incidents), so it'll have to be a whirlwind tour.

I don't expect this to be easy, especially given the Americans' love of "enhanced interrogation techniques" and terrible track record with minorities in custody, but "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good Wallabies to do nothing"!

I'll be giving you regular status updates here.

HASHTAGS

This is the official page for updates and discussion about my rescue mission, from 28 May to 4 June.

Unfortunately, I expect limited access to Twitter whilst travelling. I'll be posting regularly to keep you from worrying, but I won't be able to respond to inquiries.

You can check my twitter page for the latest updates, and I'll be using the #WallabyRescue hashtag.

RESPONSIBLE GOVERNMENT

THIS kind of arsing about is what I think of when people mention government waste #Platypus http://ow.ly/4ndKrless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby RacistWallaby

I am shocked and outraged that someone as vital to the functioning of civil government as a deputy mayor would show up for a council meeting wearing a platypus costume. His refusal to treat the proceedings with the solemnity and respect required of his position makes a mockery of the rule of civilized law.

The incident appears to be part of some sort of larger debate over the council's (poorly chosen) mascot. Putting aside my disgust at the amount of time and effort they have clearly wasted in discussion of this issue, I am stunned and outraged over some of the figures that are being casually tossed about.

Merely considering the "$5500 to $7200 originally quoted to the council for a custom-made design" is shameful, and the deputy mayor's price of "$247 including GST" is still more than two hundred dollars too much.

Why not just get an actual platypus? He'd do it for a pack of Winnie Blues.

Better yet, look to the criminal justice system! You can't tell me that there isn't a platypus who is facing a community service order right this instant who would jump at the chance to do some easy work as a mascot in lieu of actually repaying his debt to society.

Problem solved. No thanks necessary, Camden, but give me a shout if you need any more help with your budget.

FOXES

Law enforcement authorities have long known that where a den of Foxes is to be found, a meth lab can't be far behind.

In addition to seeing elevated rates of burglaries, robberies, and sexual assault, neighbourhoods hosting a new family of these furred vermin have to deal with unsightly piles of rubbish and music blasting at all hours.

The Vulpesian menace is most keenly felt by pharmacies, who regularly face petty thefts, con jobs, and outright assaults in order to secure the cold medicine needed to supply the Foxes' drug manufacturing labs.

The only thing sadder than the damage they can do is the pitiful state of a Fox who has gone into withdrawal. Here's one who has forlornly returned to a meth lab that was recently shut down by police, desperate for any sort of fix:

HEROES

I'd like to take a moment to some heroes of twitter, whose intellect, creativity, and discerning tastes should be commended:

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because my boss told me to.less than a minute ago via Echofonangrygoat
angrygoat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I have a policy of containment w/r/t llamas #neverforget http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMatt O
annus_mirabilis

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it is a source of guaranteed lulz.less than a minute ago via EchofonRobb
AnzacJack

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #green because he exposes bandicoot pollution. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsarchiearchive
archiearchive

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I was mugged by a welfare emu http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsRosemarie Remlinger
ArrTeeArr

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he's only saying what all macropods are thinking! http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDavid Bonnici
clubwah

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is the marsupial Jack Bauer! #WEREISMYAWARD?less than a minute ago via Mobile WebDonald Conrad
ConManEd

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because Oz borders need 2b protected from offending marsupials http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDana Minter
danaminter

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because...he's holding my children hostage in his pouch :) http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDave
DarthMeerkat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he cured my ills.less than a minute ago via webdavid finig
davidfinig

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I'm as mad as hell. And he secretly *likes* cats. #libel http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because although xenophobic he supports me! Please RETWEET http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via webJessie
JessieJaney

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he told me to. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsKnotta Boy
knotta_tardfan

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird cos he told me to; and his satire is sublime and beautiful. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsmcckate
mcckate

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it's clever and insightful parody. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsAndrew Geeves
mistergeeves

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he stands against bolshie Quokka scum spreading dangerous ideas in my estatesless than a minute ago via EchofonLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is holding my possums hostage.less than a minute ago via webSpace Becca
SwirlyBear

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because... Jessie asked me too http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMaureen
Tashysmum

Oh, look at that. I appear to have quoted all their nominations for the Shorty awards. What an odd coincidence.

Well, while we're on the subject of the Shorty awards, I suppose I should mention that you can still nominate me for an award in the #weird category. Nominations are being accepted through the end of the month.

It's a pity about the Shorty awards, really. You don't have to have a macropod's keen powers of perception to read the writing on the wall.

The Echidnas who control the media are going to rig it so that their Fairy Penguin pawns receive a disproportionate amount of recognition, and there's nothing to be done about it.

SCIENCE

Well fancy that RT @wattsupwiththat: Polar bears no longer on 'thin ice': researchers say they cld face bright future http://wp.me/p7y4l-7M9less than a minute ago via TweetDeckMiranda Devine
mirandadevine

Well, that's all the evidence I need. Any complaints you hear about global warming from this point on are just the discontented rumblings of Polar Bears who are just trying to play on public sympathies for cash payouts.

If you ask me, our science research dollars should be spent on important things, like finding a pouch enhancer that really works! Not like those ones that just take your money and leave you sad and disappointed!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

It's time to clear up some confusion.

I'm not a racist (as you should know by now), my given name is Racist. My mother says it's a family name, but doesn't go into much more detail than that.

Naturally this has led to a lot of difficult misunderstandings, especially when people refuse to acknowledge the fact that I have lots of non-macropod friends.

Do be more considerate, won't you?

If you see me out and about, saying "Hey, it's Racist Wallaby!" is a fine form of address.

Saying, "Hey, it's a racist Wallaby!" instead?

Well, that's just hurtful.

THREAT

Lordy. 260 all out. Knew we shouldn't write Australia off. A wounded wallaby us a dangerous thing. Ho hum. Business as usual. #theashesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPadStephen Fry
stephenfry

For Mr. Fry's sake, I can only hope that this word choice is some type of sick coincidence, and not a deliberate reference to the events of last June. (Incidentally, I've healed up quite nicely since then, thanks for asking.) What transpired on the 11th and its ensuing aftermath made for a fortnight that was anything but "business as usual."

Personally, I think it has to be a coincidence. He wasn't there, and none of the other parties involved are still available for comment. I was quite thorough in cleaning up afterwards, and very conscientious about making sure that all of the video evidence was destroyed.

However, Mr. Fry, if you are attempting some sort of public intimidation or extortion scheme, I would recommend that you make quite sure that you can handle the consequences. A wounded ego can be just as motivating as a double compound fracture, and that Dingo ended up spread across four different time zones.

CONFUSION

@iamtheoracle twatterers. i block people all the time. i check their feeds, if they look like twats, i block.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckKimberley Ramplin
Kimbo_Ramplin

@ben_hr @BiteTheDust I admit to also blocking those accounts like the teeth whitening, or the promos where it's just a tweetstream.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckaptronym
aptronym

This can't be right.

It turns out that I'm blocked by both @Kimbo_Ramplin and @aptronym. Either there has been some kind of mistake, or...

OR THEY'RE RACIST AGAINST WALLABIES.

MISGUIDED

NZ Study: bells on cat collars could save half the wild birds: http://bit.ly/9LkGxrless than a minute ago via CoTweetNational Wildlife
NWF

The half not drinking themselves to death, apparently. Why do they insist on curtailing the freedoms enjoyed by cats when they need to address the larger problem stemming from the birds themselves?

If they were really serious about saving wild birds, they'd enact tougher laws about public drunkenness and restrict access to establishments where alcohol is served.

PLAGUE

Locust plagues could cost Australia billions http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/09/02/3000537.htm @abcnews #locustsless than a minute ago via webLisa Wheildon
lisawheildon

Yes, the possibility of plague locusts decimating crops is a grave concern. However, is this threat really that much different from the rapacious freeloaders that already threaten—on a daily basis—to milk welfare benefits until the teat runs dry?

The only difference between Locusts and Numbats on the dole is that Locusts have the decency not to send government thugs to seize your property before they squander it. I actually respect Locusts in that sense, for taking the initiative to go out and grab what they want instead of waiting for some officious bureaucrat to hand it to them. It doesn't require the establishment of new federal agencies and there's no need to commission a number of pointless studies into whether you should be forced to hand over 90% or 95% of the pay earned by your own hard labour.

Yes, it's a bad time to be a farmer, but let's not lose sight of the greater issues.

PLOTS

Dear ASIS, MI6, and CIA,

Something dodgy is going on. Go and search Twitter for the word "wallaby."

Notice something? There is always, always at least one "P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney" tweet showing up in the results. And do you know why?

Terrorists.

I'm sure that smart lads such as yourselves can suss out what's happening here. It may be a line from some children's movie (that I didn't much care for), but it's being used as a way for terrorists to "ping" each other and coordinate their attacks. And I'm pretty sure those terrorists are Kangaroos.

Why? Jealousy.

Kangaroos have always been jealous of the way that Wallabies are widely known as the smarter, faster, more handsome infraclass, making their larger, slower Kangaroo cousins look like oafs by comparison. Associating our good name with their terror plot allows them to further their pro-Kangaroo agenda at the expense of our reputation.

The next step is obvious. Gentlemen, I'm calling for mass arrests, detainment, and the thorough interrogation of any Kangaroo who looks suspicious. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Sincerely,
RW

NO PROBLEM

I may be drunk, but you are a Dingo, and I shall be sober sometime tomorrow afternoon.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Look, I'm tired of repeating myself. I don't have a drinking problem. I can quit any time I want, and I shouldn't be made to suffer just because my neighbours are afraid to have a good time.

ZULUVELA

A friend of mine was arrested at the world cup for stealing a joke about blowing a Zulu's vulva. Bloody Emu plagairists.less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

A lot of people seem to be taking this the wrong way. I'm not trying to be obscene, I'm pointing out that one joke keeps getting stolen, and I'm sick of it. It's this sort of shameful disregard for attribution and intellectual property that gives Emus their (deservedly) bad name.