Theme Weeks: A Good Idea?

I was in my yard the other day posting "BANDICOOTS NOT WANTED" signs, as you do, when it struck me how often things happen in cycles.

First you're telling Potoroos to stop leaving their used drug needles just lying about, then you see some Potoroos downtown begging for change (that they're clearly just going to spend on more drugs), and then you read about the police busting up a massive underground Potoroo drug ring.

Then you notice that your Quoll neighbour has an unusually large number of "gentleman callers," and after that you're downtown and some quoll propositions you, and then you're in a public toilet with — look, that last bit's not important. The thing is that there always seems to be some sort of pattern going on, so I thought I'd try some theme weeks on Twitter.

You may have noticed it with my #bookweek tag last week. Everyone knows how Squirrels don't have any use for literature, and Wombats are as likely to deface a book as open it, but have you ever stopped and thought about how the way they treat books reflects on their respective species as a whole? I found the exercise to be quite illuminating.

This week, I'll be looking at the different ways that they handle money (or can't handle it in some cases — LOOKING AT YOU, PADEMELONS). What do you think? Any thoughts, or suggestions for future topics?

PACK OF LIES

Bah! The flood story is shameless Dove propaganda RT @firstdogonmoon may 21 is 7000 years since the noah's ark thingless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon Shameless dove scum. They are still spreading olives in the Adelaide hills too.less than a minute ago via webOwen Gale
OwentheWorld

@RacistWallaby That was nice of you to capitalize the "d" in dove. Secretly, do you like doves?less than a minute ago via webLimes Not Lemons
LimesNotLemons

Putting aside the debate over whether or not the events described in the bible actually happened, I think we can safely single out the flood and the story of Noah's Ark as highly suspect.

Do you expect me to believe that you could put two of every kind of animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 nights and have anything other than a royal mess by the end of it?

• Everyone would start to notice an epidemic of petty thefts by the second day, although they wouldn't know to blame the Quolls until the following week.



• On day six, the Dingos would be rail-thin and shaking as they went into heroin withdrawal.



• Two weeks in, there would be a colossal row as the Ostrich, Kookaburra, and Echidna ladies were found to be laying suspiciously Bandicoot-shaped eggs.



• The Sea Lion would need to be given a series of progressively more stern talkings-to each time he was caught spying in the public toilets.



• Potoroos would quickly set up a still in one of the cargo holds, which would have to be shut down after inadvertently poisoning half the crew.



• On the subject of the ship's crew, the Wombats and Kangaroos would be asked to pitch in and man the rigging, only to quit an hour into their shift, complaining of assorted back problems and demanding disability payments for sustaining injuries in the line of duty.



• And don't even get me started on the filth in which the Platypus couple would be living. By the end of the trip, their quarters would be positively squalid.

And who was responsible for this pack of lies masquerading as a feel-good story about interspecies cooperation? The same feathered vermin that portray themselves as the great heroes of the story, delivering word of dry land at the end of the ordeal. The Doves.

The whole thing was probably an elaborate ruse that they cooked up so they could sell timeshares on any one of the vast number of spots described as the "final" resting place of the ark.

Don't trust Doves. I never have, and I never will.

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

BUDGIE SMUGGLERS

I might mention that some budgie-smuggling politicians are apparently too good to follow their constituents back. #disappointmentless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Although she didn’t formally acknowledge my request, I still felt like @JuliaGillard heard it. That’s more than I can say for some other people who claim to represent the country’s best interests.

I think it’s also telling that @TonyAbbottMHR hasn’t addressed other pressing issues such as Emu plagiarism and the Quoll crimewave.

THE DEATH OF LANGUAGE

@RacistWallaby I believe the "pc" term is Quoll. You don't want to let them catch you saying Chuditch, that's "their word."less than a minute ago via Twitter for AndroidXiphias
UltimateXiphias

We need our words back!

It’s a dark day when so many wonderful, descriptive words end up so loaded with politically correct baggage that you can’t use them anymore.

Well, not unless you’re clever about it.

STOP, THIEF!

A Quoll will steal the fillings out of your teeth if you don't keep a sharp eye on it!less than a minute ago via webRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

It all started with this news story about a Quoll discovered in a car engine that “went for a ride.”

Some have tried to dismiss it as the immature antics of a young Quoll out for a joyride. Rubbish, I say! That Quoll was trying to hotwire that car, and he knew exactly what he was doing.

How much longer will we allow these cheeky thieves to rely on innocent looks and an “I didn’t know any better!” defence?