AGREE TO DISAGREE

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on Twitter:

"WA values its honest Kangaroos, Emus and Echidnas. Not so the stunted deformed Wallabies." -@archiearchive

Accompanied by the following photograph:

It's an interesting interpretation, certainly, but it's dead wrong.

The fact is that WA recognises that motorists only need to be warned to watch out for animals stupid enough to blunder into a moving vehicle. The wallaby omission is only recognising their superior intelligence.

MISCELLANY

Is it just me or are echidnas particularly slow?less than a minute ago via Twitter for Android Favorite Retweet ReplyHunter555
Hunter555

God, yes. They're slow in every sense of the word.

RT @BenWiseMelb #Numbat Fact: A Numbat can consume up to 20,000 termites in one day. <--- Gluttonous swine.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyAndrew Hedge
andrew_hedge

Gluttonous swine? Try GENOCIDAL MANIACS. I keep trying to have them boxed up and shipped off to the Hague to stand trial before the International Criminal Court. Sadly, I've found the court's attitude on what actually constitutes a war crime to be exceptionally racist.

gave the despotic budgie a belly rub. #rareless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replyfiona henry
henraah

Don't do that. You're only encouraging her.

I was just thinking, what do people from other less awesome countries think of us. Same stereotype as 10yrs ago? #verminless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyJulian Mazur
JKRLMazur

Does it matter? Some of those countries can't even tell the difference between a Wallaby and a Kangaroo. I've got better things to do than worry about the opinion of anyone who would put Jacko in a television series.

PACK OF LIES

Bah! The flood story is shameless Dove propaganda RT @firstdogonmoon may 21 is 7000 years since the noah's ark thingless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon Shameless dove scum. They are still spreading olives in the Adelaide hills too.less than a minute ago via webOwen Gale
OwentheWorld

@RacistWallaby That was nice of you to capitalize the "d" in dove. Secretly, do you like doves?less than a minute ago via webLimes Not Lemons
LimesNotLemons

Putting aside the debate over whether or not the events described in the bible actually happened, I think we can safely single out the flood and the story of Noah's Ark as highly suspect.

Do you expect me to believe that you could put two of every kind of animal on a boat for 40 days and 40 nights and have anything other than a royal mess by the end of it?

• Everyone would start to notice an epidemic of petty thefts by the second day, although they wouldn't know to blame the Quolls until the following week.



• On day six, the Dingos would be rail-thin and shaking as they went into heroin withdrawal.



• Two weeks in, there would be a colossal row as the Ostrich, Kookaburra, and Echidna ladies were found to be laying suspiciously Bandicoot-shaped eggs.



• The Sea Lion would need to be given a series of progressively more stern talkings-to each time he was caught spying in the public toilets.



• Potoroos would quickly set up a still in one of the cargo holds, which would have to be shut down after inadvertently poisoning half the crew.



• On the subject of the ship's crew, the Wombats and Kangaroos would be asked to pitch in and man the rigging, only to quit an hour into their shift, complaining of assorted back problems and demanding disability payments for sustaining injuries in the line of duty.



• And don't even get me started on the filth in which the Platypus couple would be living. By the end of the trip, their quarters would be positively squalid.

And who was responsible for this pack of lies masquerading as a feel-good story about interspecies cooperation? The same feathered vermin that portray themselves as the great heroes of the story, delivering word of dry land at the end of the ordeal. The Doves.

The whole thing was probably an elaborate ruse that they cooked up so they could sell timeshares on any one of the vast number of spots described as the "final" resting place of the ark.

Don't trust Doves. I never have, and I never will.

THE REAL RACIST

You really should nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I even went to the trouble of filling out their invasive and time-consuming interview. Even if you don't nominate me, it's worth a read over at their website.

Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably leave my answers up for about an hour before some Echidna on the PC squad goes and takes them down for being "inappropriate." I'm better off reprinting the whole thing here. Just try not to read it if you're a thin-skinned Platypus or an Emu looking for an excuse to get offended.

What's your best tweet?
Accusing me of perpetuating stereotypes is rubbish! All I'm saying is that Emus are lazy, untrustworthy, and drug-addicted. #TruthHurts

What are six things you could never do without?
Goodness, some of these questions are quite personal. No, you may NOT examine my hard drive for wet Kangaroo pics! Sorry, I meant to say that I probably couldn't live without a high-speed internet connection.

How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Well, I got my boss fired by pretending to be an underage Koala on Twitter and then distributing copies of the lewd DMs he sent to me. Does that count?

What's your favorite Twitter app?
Twitpic, obviously. It's a great way to warn people about unsavoury characters (read: Wombats) lurking about the neighbourhood.

Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter, definitely. Facebook offers entirely too many opportunities for attention-seeking Dingoes to engage in the wrong sort of behaviour.

What was the funniest trend you've seen?
Remember when Pademelons thought that wearing Ugg boots everywhere was the height of fashion? All right, most of them are still doing it, but you have to admit that they look ridiculous.

What feature should Twitter add?
Improved screening measures to keep Potoroos from opening duplicate spam accounts to coordinate their attacks on family values. They may think they're oh-so clever, using song lyrics as code, but I'm on to them!

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
Sean Wallaby, Marsupial Twain, or Paul Hogan.

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
Vermin. Bludgers. Wastrels who spend all day lounging about on the dole. SOUND FAMILIAR, BANDICOOTS?

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
Britney Spears. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU.

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed that squirrel apologist, Malcolm Turnbull (@TurnbullMalcolm) after his craven reversal of earlier statements.

Why should we vote for you?
Because if you don't vote for me, the Llamas win.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
Pademelon Arrest, Platypus Registration Act, Cane Toad Deportation

What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Well, I did engage in a dialogue with Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Member for Wentworth. Until he broke my heart.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
#LaCowsaNostra - useful for tracking the sinister dealings of the bovine mafia.

How do you make your tweets unique?
Sadly, I don't. It's all-too-common knowledge that Echidnas are drunks, Dingos will rob you blind, and Koalas are drug-addled bludgers. I just make sure that no one forgets it.

What inspires you to tweet?
A desire to see fair Wallaby representation in the media, and a solid mistrust of Wombats.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Heavens, no! What do you think I am, some kind of Kangaroo?

140 characters of advice for a new user?
Kangaroos need not apply. No Pademelons, either, and Koalas can just shove off.

How long can you go without a tweet?
Quite a long time, actually. Everything you've heard about Wallabies and their stamina? All true.

What question are we not asking here that we should?
What can be done about the moral threat that Emus pose to society?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I fear it's only a matter of time before it's found by the wrong sort of people. Once it gets infested with Emu get-rich-quick schemes and Platypus toilet humour, it'll be all downhill from there.

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
Julia Gillard (@JuliaGillard). You can tell she wants to give those crocodiles a good telling off, but she restrains herself admirably.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
Al Gore (@algore).

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That there are any sort of barriers to entry. The place is crawling with half-literate Dingos and their abominable textspeak abbreviations.

Why should people follow you?
Because otherwise they might fall prey to the next fast-talking Platypus with a bridge to sell them.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Firstdogonmoon, @whistlingduck, and @KayaktheGibbon. I can't understand how people accuse me of being racist when I have so many non-Wallaby friends.

How do you decide what to tweet?
I look at the top news stories of the day to see what people are talking about. Then I make sure they know what's REALLY going on behind the scenes, with the animals that they think are so cute and blameless.

Why'd you start tweeting?
I had seen one too many unwed Echidna mothers spending their government assistance cheques on big-screen televisions and new trainers.

Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I'm saving money now that I no longer have to publish a print newsletter, which means I can subscribe to some of my favourite periodicals like "Kangaroo Heat" and "Pouch Confidential." Wait, forget I said that last bit.

What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
I wish they'd be more willing to listen to the truth, instead of drowning it out with accusations of "racism" and "bigotry." I'm just being honest.

How will the world change in the next year?
Sadly, I don't think it will change much unless people wake up and do something about the unwed Possum mothers, reckless Emu drivers, and rude Bilby queue-jumpers that undermine the very fabric of our society on a daily basis. Where is the outrage?

What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Insulting Dugongs, apparently. (Even when it's TRUE!)

What will the world be like 10 years from now?
10 years from now, Cane Toads will have bred us almost completely out of existence, which is why we should embark on a state-sponsored sterilisation programme to rid ourselves of them and other undesirables.

Seriously, though, please do nominate me for a Shorty award in the #weird category. I promise I'm only going to mention it once more this month, and your help is greatly appreciated.

ELUSIVE?!

Camera Trap - elusive echidna's seen in Western Australia Wheatbelt... http://fb.me/QygBQhwNless than a minute ago via FacebookWWF_Australia
WWF_Australia

This "elusive" business is a load of poo.

Every exhibitionist I've ever known has been an Echidna. There's no stopping them when a camera's about!

Elusive, my pouch. Just look at how that one's mugging for the camera. Treating this as noteworthy is absolute rubbish.

REGRETTABLE MISTAKE

@RacistWallaby My mother lived with a bandicoot while I was a child. No one cares! #ozcot #tcotless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Your "anything goes" attitude is undermining the MORAL FABRIC OF SOCIETY!less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Even you don't care - pick on the victim! sobless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

It takes a big Wallaby to admit when he's wrong, but if I didn't own up to my mistake I'd be no better than those stinking Kangaroos. (Don't get me started on them, with their haughty expressions and the smug way they lift their tails when they hop!) No, this is about a young man who was grievously wronged by the system, and my callous indifference toward his suffering.

I thought Archie's original post was written in the spirit of so many drugged-out Koalas, telling me to "cool down" and "relax" because in this "enlightened" day and age, "no one cares." In the face of that kind of overly permissive rubbish, demanding that I turn a blind eye to society's decay, my understandable response was to call him out on his faulty logic its Echidna-minded moral relativism.

However, Archie's clarification has revealed that it was actually a plea for help, and a lamentation of the fact that his suffering has gone unacknowledged for so long. The last thing he needed was someone kicking him while he was down.

In light of this information, I would like to apologize to Archie, and I hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us in order to raise awareness of the shameful parenting practises of modern Bandicoots.

IN NUMBERS

Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Singular)
(Plural/variant)
(Mass Noun)

Bandicoot
Bandicoots
A Rubbish of Bandicoots

Dingo
Dingoes/Dingos
A Crack Den of Dingoes

Echidna
Pederasts
A Gang of Pederasts

Kangaroo
Kangaroos
A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

Koala
Koalas
A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
_{*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.}

Numbat
Numbats
A Mafia of Numbats

Pademelon
Pademelons
A Mistake of Pademelons

Platypus
Vermin
A Pack of Vermin

Possum
Possums
A Crime Wave of Possums

Wallaby
Wallabies/Wallabys
A Salvation of Wallabies

Wombat
Wombats
A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING?

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via webRay William Johnson
RayWJ

Mocking Koala bears and telling "your mother" jokes are like peanut butter and chocolate for me. But too much of it can make you sick. After @RayWJ did something great, these idiots went and made me sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via webMatt Skajem
MattSAcerbatus

Sick:

FacebookFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via webRyan Alexander
RyanBFN

Sick:

DID YOU KNOW: Koala bears are NOT actually bears!!! They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki. true story. LOLless than a minute ago via webHector M Campos
hectormcampos

Sick:

Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneLindsey
ItsLalu

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via webSheen Malik
Sheen99

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snooki.less than a minute ago via web✔ Lascelle Legend
LascelleLegend

Sick:

OMGFact: Koala bears aren't really bears. They're actually the result of that time when Bigfoot humped Snookiless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneDanny FunGhoul Kelly
Dkell477

So after I'm done vomiting, it looks like I'll be blocking a few more plagiarists who are less creative than an Echidna with a head injury...

BLAMELESS

WHERE WAS @racistwallaby? RT @abcnews: Fireworks taped to echidna http://bit.ly/b0jIO2less than a minute ago via webEvan Exsuburbia
Captainsuburbia

I resent the insinuation that I was somehow involved in this senseless act of destruction. What's even more galling is the way people are assuming that the Echidna had nothing to do with it! I can think of at least three scenarios in which the Echidna brought it upon himself, either through his own actions or through criminal associations.

Gang violence: Echidna-on-Echidna violence is on the upswing in New South Wales, as gangs increasing their influence across the country are clashing repeatedly in an escalating series of turf wars. It could have been a group trying to "send a message" to their rivals.

Extremist terror plot: Echidnas are known radicals. It's entirely possible that this Echidna was out to martyr himself to promote his agenda of fear and intolerance.

Stunt gone wrong: There is nothing that an echidna will not do in pursuit of fame, and reality television has only egged them on to more outrageous and dangerous stunts than ever before. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this was a desperate but misguided bid for his own show.

Make no mistake, animal abuse is serious business, but can we really be sure that justice has been done here?