FITTING ENDS

Hey @RacistWallaby Your opinion of Koalas, please?less than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyWolfie Rankin
Wolfie_Rankin

I'd be happy to give you an earful about Koalas--the problem is figuring out where to start!

For one thing, their shoddy attempt at re-branding by calling themselves Koala BEARS is complete rubbish. They're just linking themselves to a gang of embezzlers, fraudsters, and tax cheats. As if they had the work ethic!

The idea of a "Koala bear" actually being related to bears is as preposterous and fictional as those stories about Pademelons who'd rather be working at real jobs instead of cashing their unemployment assistance cheques.

Then there's the drug abuse. If you can show me a Koala that isn't stoned out of its mind for more than five minutes on any given day, I'll show you... Well, I'd be able to show you a unicorn and a cane toad with a valid guest worker permit, since you've obviously opened some sort of portal to a land full of mythical creatures.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the rampant Chlamydia that is killing them off. I've got mixed feelings on this one; obviously I don't harbour enough ill will towards Koalas to wish them dead, but my hands are tied: the Pope has given some very clear guidance on whether it is acceptable to use condoms for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.

Until they're willing to give up their depraved and hedonistic lifestyle, Koalas will just have to suffer God's punishment.

FLYING VISIT

A grey fantail has just flown into the living room. I expect he will find his way out. Fantails are more adept at that than honeyeaters.less than a minute ago via Echofon Favorite Retweet ReplyBronwen Scott
Snailseyeview

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's God-bothering Honeyeaters and their rubbish pamphlets.

Give them the slightest opening and those bastards will be in your house, making themselves comfortable, and wanting to know if you've accepted Honeyeater Jesus as your personal saviour. They won't take "no" for an answer, and they can't take a hint.

"Oh you're just about to have tea? Well, I'll just join you, then."

"You're on your way to the dentist? Oh, this'll just take a minute of your time."

"You have a highly contagious rash? Well, the Lord is my armour, I shall not want for topical ointment after we've had a little chat about where your soul is headed in the afterlife."

I'll say this about Fantails: they don't muck about. They zip in, nick the silver, and race back out again before the dust has even settled. A bit more expensive than the average Honeyeater visitation, but I'd take it over an extended discussion on "the nature of God's love" any day of the week!

NOT WANTED

@RacistWallaby You're a *monarchist* wallaby? Whoaaaa! She stole your land remember? #betrayalless than a minute ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® Favorite Retweet Replymcckate
mcckate

Whatever else you may say about the Queen, she's less close-minded and discriminatory than some people I could mention. And when I say "some people," I'm referring to you, residents of Lennox Head.

You heard me. Lennox Head Landcare is holding an open day to commemmorate one of the most contemptible acts of outright discrimination that I've ever had the misfortune to witness:

The tree planting is possible thanks to the construction of a wallaby-proof fence by the Lennox Head Residents Association’s Coastcare team.

You go ahead and enjoy your open day, you pack of close-minded bigots! I wouldn't have wanted to go even if you paid me.

ADMISSION OF GUILT

Nah. I was out for blood. #wouldveduffedupthenoisybastard RT @AcerbicLemon: The duck just wants to play! http://tiny.cc/58i1hless than a minute ago via TweetDeck Favorite Retweet ReplyWhistlingduck
whistlingduck

I knew it! Video evidence such as this can be ambiguous at times, so it's always good to have independent confirmation of the ruffian's motives.



I don't know why it so often seems acceptable to use Twitter as a medium for bullying and violent threats, but you can be sure that I'm taking it all down in case I need to provide evidence in court later.

WRONG WAY

Whale navigation skills a mystery http://bit.ly/gzYvic #environmentless than a minute ago via twitterfeed Favorite Retweet ReplySMH Environment
smhenvironment

I've never seen a more laughable premise for an article. Navigation skills? Whales? Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

And yet here we are:

Scientists used satellite technology to track 16 tagged whales as they migrated thousands of kilometres northwards from the South Atlantic and South Pacific.

For several days at a time they swam legs of their journey - often covering more than 1000 kilometres - with unswerving accuracy.

Most of the whales maintained an almost dead-straight course, deviating by less than one degree.

I can't believe it; whatever methods they were using to track these whales must have been complete rubbish.

It is a proven law of nature that Whales are so bad at directions that they'd get lost on the way to their own funeral. In fact, the Japanese have conducted extensive research on the subject, and I'd say that their results have been pretty conclusive.

A SIMPLE PLAN

Rat droppings on Delta Air Lines plane 'too numerous to count' http://t.co/0AT5MVoless than a minute ago via Tweet Button Favorite Retweet ReplyCraig Platt
FairfaxTravel

Bloody rodents can't get anything right.

Not that I should be complaining about it, but it appears as though a cunning plan to sneak past immigration and enter the country illegally was ruined due to poor personal hygiene.

Some roof rats took up residence in a Delta Air Lines jet, no doubt looking to emigrate to a country with a lower unemployment rate, but U.S. FDA inspectors found them out for being incapable of properly using the toilet:

[Delta spokeswoman Ashley] Black declined to specify the type of plane involved, other than that it was used on international flights.... The FDA said rodent excrement was discovered above the right and left forward galleys and mammalian urine was detected in six areas on ceiling panels over a galley.

Although the story is completely disgusting, I find it encouraging because 1) I never fly Delta Air Lines, and 2) it always makes me happy to see other countries dealing with problem immigrants well before they make it over our borders.

EMU ROUNDUP

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twuffer Favorite Retweet Replyf r e d d y
FreddyAmazin

[UPDATE: Bloody hell, they're all stolen. Even this one was swiped from earlier tweets. I TRUSTED YOU, @FreddyAmazin!]

Well, someone clearly has their finger on the pulse of popular culture.

I would have thought that the wanton indiscretions of Ducks, Beavers, and their degenerate Platypus offspring were common knowledge by now, and yet everyone has taken to re-tweeting this as though it was the latest breakthrough in evolutionary science.

I suppose that one positive result stemming from this onslaught of miscegenation trivia is that the latest round of Emus have come out of the woodwork to try and pass this tweet off as their own. Now I've got a some new names to add to my handy list of who to block:

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replyramzy richardson
ramzy07

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via txt Favorite Retweet ReplyJermaine Bradley
TMSMaine_

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via ÜberSocial Favorite Retweet ReplyAshley
AeshaInuwa

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver."less than a minute ago via Twitter for Android Favorite Retweet Replymynameispedro
rapbadbongiz

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyNathan Rush
nathanaelred

Dear Duck, Remember that one night in Vegas? You have a son... His name is platypus Sincerely, Beaver.less than a minute ago via twicca Favorite Retweet ReplyMichelle Zamora
aznbeezie