FREE METH

So, I heard that the alternative cuts from the alternative government on the alternative budget are going to scrap free meth for unicorns!less than a minute ago via TweetDeckPossum Comitatus
Pollytics

@Pollytics That's only going to result in more crime committed by unicorns in our communities. Insanity.less than a minute ago via webJarrad Robb
jrrdrbb

I know I've just been talking about the havoc that meth-addicted foxes can cause in a community, but in light of the comments above, I cannot state this emphatically enough:

No decent Australian can support a program that provides meth to Unicorns.

Full stop.

Yes, there are few things on this earth more menacing than Unicorns on withdrawal, all flashing hooves and sparkling horns willing to carve you up for drug money, but you need to look at the big picture. After all, they've no incentive to clean up their sordid lifestyle if we willingly continue to enable them.

Naturally, ending the programme would lead to a short-term spike in violent crimes as the Unicorns' desperation drove them to extraordinary measures, but over time the casual meth users would straighten up or die off. Ultimately, the worst threats and heaviest users would be concentrated in the Unicorn slums, and no one in their right mind goes there anyway.

The rumourmongers would scare you with tales of wild-eyed Unicorn addicts roving the streets in search of a fix, but it's all smoke and mirrors to distract taxpayers from the fact that they are being forced to shoulder the burden of ridiculous equine subsidies. I have just one question for those who would claim that they are afraid of being mugged in dark alleys:

What are you doing in dark alleys in the first place?

Everyone knows that the hottest action is found in the public toilets.

FOXES

Law enforcement authorities have long known that where a den of Foxes is to be found, a meth lab can't be far behind.

In addition to seeing elevated rates of burglaries, robberies, and sexual assault, neighbourhoods hosting a new family of these furred vermin have to deal with unsightly piles of rubbish and music blasting at all hours.

The Vulpesian menace is most keenly felt by pharmacies, who regularly face petty thefts, con jobs, and outright assaults in order to secure the cold medicine needed to supply the Foxes' drug manufacturing labs.

The only thing sadder than the damage they can do is the pitiful state of a Fox who has gone into withdrawal. Here's one who has forlornly returned to a meth lab that was recently shut down by police, desperate for any sort of fix:

CLARITY

Went looking for news about Wallabies, but all I could find was sport stories. Obviously they never do any real workless than a minute ago via TweetDeckAndrew Callaghan
wombat1974

Obviously Wombats don't know how to use Boolean operators in their search terms. (That's right, I WENT THERE.)

Using a simple minus sign to include terms like "-rugby" and "-scrum" reveals that Wallabies are making headlines around the world for their revolutionary breakthroughs in agriculture, commerce, and pharmacology.

I saw a poster saying Wallabys were just dwarf kangaroos. Roos whose growth was stunted by smoking cigarettes as joeys!less than a minute ago via TwitBirdCatherine Stephenson
flowermonkey

This is just plain rubbish. Everyone knows that smoking doesn't stunt your growth. I myself enjoy Winfields quite frequently with no adverse effects.

If anything, Kangaroos are the results of unethical Wallaby athletes (sadly, they do exist; the proverbial bad apples ruining it for everyone) abusing bovine growth hormone and giving birth to freakishly large, mutant offspring.

It pains me to admit it, but even Wallabies can be seduced into misbehaviour by the overpowering lure of Olympic gold medals.

HA! http://ow.ly/3Pzqo Your criminal nature finally exposed. A queue jumper in NZ. It's the hungi for you #macromealsless than a minute ago via webpaddy bts
paddybts

I've already explained what's going on. There are no feral Wallabies in New Zealand — it's a myth. (Yes, I do have some relatives out near Rotorua, but they're well respected, naturalised citizens, and productive members of their community.)

This is clearly a "protection" racket. These dogs are charging exorbitant fees to bludge about and pretend to search for something that isn't there, like that joke from The Simpsons about selling a rock that keeps tigers away.

INDEPENDENCE

Motherhood is a rare and wonderful thing, and I am outraged by those who would assault its sanctity, particuarly in the case of this Katherine mother of twins.

Here we have a single mother of two, struggling to make her way in the world (and note that her husband has clearly been killed in a tragedy, for nothing less than death could induce a Wallaby to abandon his wife and children), and people are accusing her of living off handouts. All because of a few lines from the article:

Ms Enright said her husband Garry phoned while she was in hospital having twins with news Matilda had come back.

She had learnt to open the screen door herself and had proceeded straight to the fridge.

First of all, the shoddy sentence structure makes it entirely possible that they were talking about Ms Enright being able to open the screen door.

Assuming that the naysayers are correct, and that it was in fact the enterprising young Wallaby mother who had availed herself of the refrigerator's contents, I would argue that this is the height of self-sufficiency.

She's not collecting from the government, she's not bludging about and screaming for handouts, she's getting up on her own two feet — taking her twins with her — and showing resourcefulness and adaptability in claiming what she needs for her family's survival.

Besides, have you ever tried to open one of those screen doors? It's bloody hard work!

NOT GUILTY

Fred Nile has blamed #TCYasi and the Qld floods on the number of gay wallabies in Australia.less than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Well, I certainly don't know anything about it!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but I am sick and tired of addressing these rumours.

Last Wednesday my friends Esteban, Francois, and Eduardo came over to help me move my couch. That's why there was so much grunting and heavy breathing.

And on Friday, I was doing all that moaning because I had an upset stomach after eating some bad spinach. My friend Rinaldo came over because he heard that I was unwell.

I really think it's deplorable the way some people will take the kindness of a concerned Wallaby and twist it into sordid rumours and innuendoes.

If anything, it was probably those Kangaroos. You know how they carry on in public toilets!

HARDLY

@paddybts @RacistWallaby A seeing eye wombat would be great on crowded city footpaths.less than a minute ago via webern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

Great for dragging you into every bar, brothel, and other den of vice within walking distance, you mean! The only direction that a Wombat will lead you in is one that goes down the path to liver failure, poverty, and venereal disease.

However, there may be something to the idea of using animals besides dogs for assistance. I understand that they're giving seeing eye ponies a go, with mixed results.

I haven't always been a fan of horses, and still maintain that they're as lazy as the day is long, but it might remind some of the more irresponsible seeing eye dogs that they're easily replaceable, and that they'd better watch their step if they know what's good for 'em.

HEROES

I'd like to take a moment to some heroes of twitter, whose intellect, creativity, and discerning tastes should be commended:

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because my boss told me to.less than a minute ago via Echofonangrygoat
angrygoat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I have a policy of containment w/r/t llamas #neverforget http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMatt O
annus_mirabilis

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it is a source of guaranteed lulz.less than a minute ago via EchofonRobb
AnzacJack

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #green because he exposes bandicoot pollution. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsarchiearchive
archiearchive

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I was mugged by a welfare emu http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsRosemarie Remlinger
ArrTeeArr

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he's only saying what all macropods are thinking! http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDavid Bonnici
clubwah

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is the marsupial Jack Bauer! #WEREISMYAWARD?less than a minute ago via Mobile WebDonald Conrad
ConManEd

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because Oz borders need 2b protected from offending marsupials http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDana Minter
danaminter

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because...he's holding my children hostage in his pouch :) http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsDave
DarthMeerkat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he cured my ills.less than a minute ago via webdavid finig
davidfinig

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because I'm as mad as hell. And he secretly *likes* cats. #libel http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsern malleys cat
ernmalleyscat

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because although xenophobic he supports me! Please RETWEET http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via webJessie
JessieJaney

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he told me to. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsKnotta Boy
knotta_tardfan

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird cos he told me to; and his satire is sublime and beautiful. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty Awardsmcckate
mcckate

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because it's clever and insightful parody. http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsAndrew Geeves
mistergeeves

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he stands against bolshie Quokka scum spreading dangerous ideas in my estatesless than a minute ago via EchofonLord Percy Percy
MyLordPercy

I nominate @racistwallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because he is holding my possums hostage.less than a minute ago via webSpace Becca
SwirlyBear

I nominate @RacistWallaby for a Shorty Award in #weird because... Jessie asked me too http://bit.ly/shortyless than a minute ago via Shorty AwardsMaureen
Tashysmum

Oh, look at that. I appear to have quoted all their nominations for the Shorty awards. What an odd coincidence.

Well, while we're on the subject of the Shorty awards, I suppose I should mention that you can still nominate me for an award in the #weird category. Nominations are being accepted through the end of the month.

It's a pity about the Shorty awards, really. You don't have to have a macropod's keen powers of perception to read the writing on the wall.

The Echidnas who control the media are going to rig it so that their Fairy Penguin pawns receive a disproportionate amount of recognition, and there's nothing to be done about it.