THE ONLY GOOD SEA LION

@RacistWallaby @firstdogonmoon This was nothing less than the blatant luring and kidnapping of an innocent Kelpie! http://alturl.com/97ibbless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

I doubt Henry is his real name.... @archiearchive @RacistWallabyless than a minute ago via TweetDeckMr Onthemoon
firstdogonmoon

First, I’m thankful that a real horror was averted. Obviously that Sea Lion was headed for international waters, where it could visit all manner of depravities on that unsuspecting Kelpie.

Personally, I find this story troubling because I wanted to like Henry. It’s rare that a Sea Lion will anglicise the senseless mash of barks and roars that serves as his name, so I want to encourage their efforts to become part of civilised society wherever I see them.

However, in this case it appears as though “Henry” was merely using camouflage, lulling us all into a false sense of security so he could move amongst us without arousing our suspicions. The whole thing makes me wonder if any of them are to be trusted at all.

Am I wrong?

NONSENSE

@indiaknight Incense = eucalyptus. Koalas not v. bright either. Especially weak at metaphysical reasoning.less than a minute ago via webmcckate
mcckate

Most Koala talk is rubbish, but it crosses over into a whole new realm of nonsensical gibberish when they start going on about their spirituality.

If you've never had the misfortune of having a Koala offer to "re-align your chakras," "smooth out your energy flow," or sat through one of their lectures on spiritual oneness and the inherent divinity present in all of us, consider yourself lucky.

What really makes me angry is the number of Koalas who have decided that they can make a living from it, spruiking crystals, candles, and all manner of nonsense that they expect us to pay hard-earned dollars for.

Getting stoned out of your mind on eucalyptus and telling people to "chill out" is not a valid career choice!

It's well past time the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission looked into them.

WRONG SIDE OF THE LAW

Police officers free moose tangled in rope and tree http://j.mp/dtQGNhless than a minute ago via ReederIndigeneity
Indigeneity

It's sad how the liberal media gets a story of individual heroism matched with police incompetence only to completely miss the real issues at work.

"Susie Arnold spotted the moose when she arrived at Bell's Nursery on Sunday morning to meet a friend for coffee. The trapped moose was on a bike path beside Bell's..."

Here you have a moose, lying in wait on a bike path, hoping to accost passers-by and possibly make off with their wallets. Meanwhile, a concerned citizens group, as yet unidentified, had already taken countermeasures to foil bike path-related criminal activity. The end result? A moose, apprehended red-antlered and ready for delivery to the local law enforcement authorities.

And what do they do? They set it free! The moose was not taken in for questioning, no one asked to see its papers, and the negligent individuals who allowed this ungulate ruffian to return to its sordid life of crime are instead lauded as some kind of conservation-minded environmental heroes!

I'm stunned that this reporter can be so blind to what's really going on. What else could that Moose have been doing there, if it wasn't lying in wait and preparing to do mischief?

TEASE

Cats in prison. Amazing. http://bit.ly/bxiilG (via @duncangeere)less than a minute ago via TweetDeckTom Royal
tomroyal

Such a swirl of emotions surrounding this story: Elation, disappointment, resignation.

Like me, I'm sure you got very excited to hear that the justice system has finally decided to put a stop to the lawless hordes of rampaging cats that have held society hostage for too long.

That excitement quickly gives way to disappointment once you realize that it's not about cats who are serving sentences in prison, it's about cats who are keeping inmates company.

That's right, cats will continue to enjoy their immunity from criminal prosecution, but even if they did start getting equal treatment in the eyes of the law, would it really make a difference?

Science has proven that cats completely lack anything resembling empathy, and even the incarceration of their peers would not serve as a deterrent or "scare them straight." We would just be housing and feeding them at the taxpayer's expense (not that different from current arrangements, except the burden of upkeep is shifted from one individual to society as a whole).

No, there's only one way to deal with criminal felines.

Deportation.

INVASION

Waiting for kids at school there was a little girl with a bag with a picture of a wombat on it and inside was a real wombat #real/surrealless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJan Waller
JannieJan

Calling this a Wombat black ops mission credits them with a little too much resourcefulness and cunning, but I will say that this development explains a lot of home invasions that have been happening recently.

Unsuspecting child fails to notice a bag's unintended stowaway, who then breaches the home's perimeter and lets in his accomplices to rob the place blind. It's camouflage, plain and simple.

For your own protection, all bags, accessories, and articles of clothing depicting Wombats should be rounded up and destroyed immediately. I don't know why you'd want to spend all day looking at them in the first place, but is the risk really worth it?

FAMILIAR

Porpoises implant mind-control device into popular actor, return him to land to begin PHASE 2: http://ow.ly/37Dn7 #sinister #plotless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

You know what? I didn't like this story when it was the plot of The Manchurian Candidate, and I don't much care for it now.

"Dick Van Dyke has been saved by a school of porpoises after finding himself adrift at sea on a surfboard" is the Metro's headline, and all the Koala cuddlers out there are gushing over how some cute sea creatures saved a beloved television icon.

Rubbish, I say! It was a PR stunt designed to make them look good while inserting a sleeper agent into a highly visible media role. Don't act surprised when Mr. Van Dyke becomes a vocal advocate for porpoise rights and a staunch supporter of porpoise marriage!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play some Solitaire.

POPULARITY

Bought a deodorant stick. The instructions said to remove top and push up bottom. Can't walk very well but my farts smell lovely!less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhoneJohn Gallagher
fulhamgagsy

You know you've made it big time when your tweet gets recycled again

I bought a deodorant stick today, the instructions said "remove top and push up bottom".

I can't walk very well but my farts smell nice.less than a minute ago via TwitBirdTyrell Beckham
tizforever

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesomeless than a minute ago via webDave Baldwin
dbalders

and again

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckLee Searles
LJSearles

and again.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome...less than a minute ago via webMaxx Hendriks
maxxhendriks

I can't really tell why this idea is so popular. I mean, it's the kind of blatant disregard for personal hygiene shown by most Kookaburras, but it's also the crude toilet humor so beloved by Crocodiles. Ultimately, I'm wondering if it's just a bunch of Kangaroos who think they're being helpful by sharing personal grooming tips. At least it's a helpful list of accounts to block, I reckon. Did I miss anyone?