WHAT'S IN A NAME?

It's time to clear up some confusion.

I'm not a racist (as you should know by now), my given name is Racist. My mother says it's a family name, but doesn't go into much more detail than that.

Naturally this has led to a lot of difficult misunderstandings, especially when people refuse to acknowledge the fact that I have lots of non-macropod friends.

Do be more considerate, won't you?

If you see me out and about, saying "Hey, it's Racist Wallaby!" is a fine form of address.

Saying, "Hey, it's a racist Wallaby!" instead?

Well, that's just hurtful.

NOW ACCEPTING CASH OR CHEQUE

It's never too late to cash in on the dot com craze, I say!

After having a look around the website for incubator incubator, I've decided to launch my own technology startup.

It's going to be called MIRacist? (pronounced M-I-Racist), and here's what I put on the application form:

MIRacist? harnesses the inherent synergy in peer-to-peer networking and crowdsourcing to leverage user-generated content for a new internet 2.0 paradigm.

Users can visit MIRacist to upload their contact lists from popular applications and social networking sites like LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter. In addition to storing these contact lists in order to generate our own mailing lists for announcing exciting site upgrades and special offers, the site will tell them whether they are racist based on the people they associate with.

You know, like a hotornot.com for racists.

(Regardless of whether or not I hear back from them, I'm now seeking venture capital and looking for a few Crocodile boffins who can make the whole thing work. Get in on the ground floor!)

REGRETTABLE MISTAKE

@RacistWallaby My mother lived with a bandicoot while I was a child. No one cares! #ozcot #tcotless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

Your "anything goes" attitude is undermining the MORAL FABRIC OF SOCIETY!less than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Even you don't care - pick on the victim! sobless than a minute ago via webarchiearchive
archiearchive

It takes a big Wallaby to admit when he's wrong, but if I didn't own up to my mistake I'd be no better than those stinking Kangaroos. (Don't get me started on them, with their haughty expressions and the smug way they lift their tails when they hop!) No, this is about a young man who was grievously wronged by the system, and my callous indifference toward his suffering.

I thought Archie's original post was written in the spirit of so many drugged-out Koalas, telling me to "cool down" and "relax" because in this "enlightened" day and age, "no one cares." In the face of that kind of overly permissive rubbish, demanding that I turn a blind eye to society's decay, my understandable response was to call him out on his faulty logic its Echidna-minded moral relativism.

However, Archie's clarification has revealed that it was actually a plea for help, and a lamentation of the fact that his suffering has gone unacknowledged for so long. The last thing he needed was someone kicking him while he was down.

In light of this information, I would like to apologize to Archie, and I hope that we can put this misunderstanding behind us in order to raise awareness of the shameful parenting practises of modern Bandicoots.

THREAT

Lordy. 260 all out. Knew we shouldn't write Australia off. A wounded wallaby us a dangerous thing. Ho hum. Business as usual. #theashesless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPadStephen Fry
stephenfry

For Mr. Fry's sake, I can only hope that this word choice is some type of sick coincidence, and not a deliberate reference to the events of last June. (Incidentally, I've healed up quite nicely since then, thanks for asking.) What transpired on the 11th and its ensuing aftermath made for a fortnight that was anything but "business as usual."

Personally, I think it has to be a coincidence. He wasn't there, and none of the other parties involved are still available for comment. I was quite thorough in cleaning up afterwards, and very conscientious about making sure that all of the video evidence was destroyed.

However, Mr. Fry, if you are attempting some sort of public intimidation or extortion scheme, I would recommend that you make quite sure that you can handle the consequences. A wounded ego can be just as motivating as a double compound fracture, and that Dingo ended up spread across four different time zones.

EXPECTED

Fuck yeah! http://t.co/hYKKEF6 via @youtubeless than a minute ago via Tweet ButtonAndy Richter
Richter_Andy

Why am I not surprised that when you have sloth, exploitation, and cruelty involved in a YouTube video, one of the subjects is a cat?

CONFUSION

@iamtheoracle twatterers. i block people all the time. i check their feeds, if they look like twats, i block.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckKimberley Ramplin
Kimbo_Ramplin

@ben_hr @BiteTheDust I admit to also blocking those accounts like the teeth whitening, or the promos where it's just a tweetstream.less than a minute ago via TweetDeckaptronym
aptronym

This can't be right.

It turns out that I'm blocked by both @Kimbo_Ramplin and @aptronym. Either there has been some kind of mistake, or...

OR THEY'RE RACIST AGAINST WALLABIES.

IN NUMBERS

Platypi, Platypodes, Platypuses? Rubbish! The plural form of "Platypus" is "VERMIN" #Factless than a minute ago via HootSuiteRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

Some people still seem a little confused about the plural forms and mass nouns used with certain animals. But it's quite simple, really. Here's a brief list:

(Singular)
(Plural/variant)
(Mass Noun)

Bandicoot
Bandicoots
A Rubbish of Bandicoots

Dingo
Dingoes/Dingos
A Crack Den of Dingoes

Echidna
Pederasts
A Gang of Pederasts

Kangaroo
Kangaroos
A Smuggling Ring of Kangaroos

Koala
Koalas
A Mob of Croc-Wearing, Doped-Up Koalas out Looking for Trouble*
_{*N.B., phrase may be abbreviated to "filth" when necessary.}

Numbat
Numbats
A Mafia of Numbats

Pademelon
Pademelons
A Mistake of Pademelons

Platypus
Vermin
A Pack of Vermin

Possum
Possums
A Crime Wave of Possums

Wallaby
Wallabies/Wallabys
A Salvation of Wallabies

Wombat
Wombats
A Dole of Wombats

Any questions?