AGREE TO DISAGREE

Imagine my surprise when I saw this on Twitter:

"WA values its honest Kangaroos, Emus and Echidnas. Not so the stunted deformed Wallabies." -@archiearchive

Accompanied by the following photograph:

It's an interesting interpretation, certainly, but it's dead wrong.

The fact is that WA recognises that motorists only need to be warned to watch out for animals stupid enough to blunder into a moving vehicle. The wallaby omission is only recognising their superior intelligence.

Theme Weeks: A Good Idea?

I was in my yard the other day posting "BANDICOOTS NOT WANTED" signs, as you do, when it struck me how often things happen in cycles.

First you're telling Potoroos to stop leaving their used drug needles just lying about, then you see some Potoroos downtown begging for change (that they're clearly just going to spend on more drugs), and then you read about the police busting up a massive underground Potoroo drug ring.

Then you notice that your Quoll neighbour has an unusually large number of "gentleman callers," and after that you're downtown and some quoll propositions you, and then you're in a public toilet with — look, that last bit's not important. The thing is that there always seems to be some sort of pattern going on, so I thought I'd try some theme weeks on Twitter.

You may have noticed it with my #bookweek tag last week. Everyone knows how Squirrels don't have any use for literature, and Wombats are as likely to deface a book as open it, but have you ever stopped and thought about how the way they treat books reflects on their respective species as a whole? I found the exercise to be quite illuminating.

This week, I'll be looking at the different ways that they handle money (or can't handle it in some cases — LOOKING AT YOU, PADEMELONS). What do you think? Any thoughts, or suggestions for future topics?

THE USUAL CULPRITS

When I read about violent assaults and attempted home invasions, I'm never surprised to see that a Kangaroo's behind it all. That's why I found recent reports of a Kangaroo beating an elderly pensioner to be sad but not unexpected.

These attacks are only going to stop when the public realises the true scope of the Kangaroo menace. In the meantime, there are three things you can do personally to keep safe from attack:

• Be suspicious of any Kangaroo who claims to have a job. It turns out that in this latest attack, the Kangaroo posed as an employee of the electric company and got the homeowner to let her guard down by claiming that he had come to read the meter. 
• Never buy magazine subscriptions from Kangaroos. Once you give money to one of them, their whole bloody gossip network spreads the word that you're a soft touch. Buy magazines from one of them today and you'll see them queuing up tomorrow to sell you more magazines, along with wrapping paper, cookies, and all manner of unwanted junk.
• Never give money to Kangaroos for any reason. One of my mates, who was ignorant of the first two rules, got taken to the cleaners by some Kangaroo builders who promised him a new roof. All they wanted was some cash up front for "supplies." Needless to say, they took off with the money and now he's out several hundred dollars and still needs a new roof.

And while we're on the subject of rubbish freeloaders who refuse to work for a living, did you see how Phyllis Johnson, the victim, was left in the lurch by what should have been "man's best friend"? From the article:

"Not even the dog would help, it was too frightened."

Frightened, my tail! He was probably hoping the Kangaroo finished her off so he could loot the house and nick her jewellery. Don't trust Kangaroos, and don't expect a dog to have your back in a tight spot.

INCONVENIENT TRUTH

A week doesn't go by without a new, scare-mongering headline trying to convince us to waste money on crackpot "environmentalist" schemes. Just take a look at this pack of bloody lies designed to tug at our heartstrings:

"The warmer water, researchers from Victoria say, may drive the platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus) from 30 per cent of its current habitat."

It's a rubbish ploy to hoodwink the Australian taxpayer into giving them posh new accommodations with free air conditioning. Do you want to know what they should be doing to combat these "rising freshwater temperatures"?

Stop weeing where you swim.

Of course, that's the kind of subtlety that's lost on that pack of vermin, mostly because it doesn't involve anyone giving them free handouts.

TRUTH WILL OUT

RT @dr_krystal: Bacteria from a wallaby's gut reduce methane production via @breakfasters http://t.co/SzG5p5sless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyNick Evershed
NickEvershed

RT @TenMorningNews QLD scientists discover wallaby farts are eco-friendly. Insert your own headline here.....less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyStephen Spencer
sspencer_63

The animal or the football team?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDenise Cook
SpudBenBean

The animal. I suspect the team produce something far more polluting!less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyTEN Morning News
TenMorningNews

This has been common knowledge for AGES, but it's one of those things that the Platypus-controlled media doesn't want you to know. We've always done our part to combat global warming and the generation of greenhouse gasses, so it's good to see Wallabies finally getting their due.

I can't begin to describe how humiliating it is to be run off some farmer's property just because he doesn't realise the vital service that you're performing for the environment.

To say nothing of the brave Wallabies who gave their lives combating the pollution generated by aircraft on the Katherine runway. Instead of a commendation and full state funerals for our fallen comrades, the Katherine Wallabies were greeted with fences and cull programmes. It's shameful, really.

Still, it's nice that we're finally getting some recognition. If any major media outlets are interested, I am of course available for interview.

OLDEST PROFESSION

my therapist says i have to be nice to squirrels... so hello. @Banff_Squirrelless than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplySamuel Clemons
Samuel_Clemons

IT'S A TRAP!

Why don't more people recognise that modern "psychology" is pseudoscientific rubbish designed to manipulate the population? Haven't you found it suspicious that 9 out of 10 "mental health professionals" don't find anything objectionable about the way that Squirrels are allowed to roam free on public grounds?

Not only is it allowing those furry little miscreants to pick pockets and run their con jobs unchecked, but it also promotes dangerous thinking that can only lead to anarchy!

The most infuriating part of it all is the sly little hints they keep leaving to show where they've exerted their influence. Why else do you think they call it going nuts?

BRAWLERS

It appears as though you can't take a holiday in Britain anymore without being assaulted by a pack of ruffians.

On a recent outing, a Wallaby from Black Isle Wildlife Park had a run-in with some thugs:

He was treated for a cut to his nose inflicted during a run-in with a flock of sheep after jumping into a field.

He's on the mend now, but it sounds like it was tough going for a while. How much longer is parliament going to sit idly by while citizens are terrorized by the ovidian gangs roving the countryside with impunity?

TOLERABLE

@RacistWallaby So what is the race that you can tolerate the most? Who causes you the least consternation?less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyDavid Houghton
turb05

Wallabies, obviously.

Of course, you might hear a load of rubbish from some people who would suggest that I have an unhealthy fascination with Kangaroos, but it's a complete fabrication.

I think it's a misunderstanding based on one time last year when my account was hacked. I certainly don't visit Kangaroo-themed websites or place personals ads in the newspapers looking for anonymous Kangaroo hookups.

I don't do anything like that at all.

DECEIT

Sightseeing. There's no such thing as an "alligator snapping turtle," just a reptile that won't make up its mind. #WallabyRescueless than a minute ago via HootSuite Favorite Retweet ReplyRacist Wallaby
RacistWallaby

That's my son's favorite turtle, he wants to know if they can be trained..sick 'em.. damn, too late.
less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyCathastrophe
Cathastrophe

Oh, you want to know if they can be trained?

Well, I'll tell you that they've trained themselves to rush to the mailbox. There's nothing faster than a turtle zooming out to see if the post has brought his latest government assistance cheque.

The whole idea of turtles being slow-moving is rubbish. It's a rumour they started so that they aren't expected to hold a steady job! Instead, they get make-work assignments handed to them by employers looking to meet their diversity quotas.

Ask a turtle to do any sort of task for you, and they'll do it as slowly as possible just to make sure you don't ask him a second time.

Don't let them get away with it! I've seen them having footraces, dancing the hustle, and even playing tennis when they're off the clock and they think no one's looking. The only way we can get this sort of nonsense to stop is to hold them accountable.

PROPAGANDA

#qanda hyenas are silly...haven't you seen the Lion King?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replyruth allen
ours_de_panda

While we're on the subject of things that get right up my nose, that film has to be the most blatant piece of feline propaganda ever committed to film.

Granted, the Hyena complaints that they received a rough treatment at the hands of the scriptwriters are baseless rubbish — it's one of the most accurate portrayals you'll find — but the blatant glorification of the feline lifestyle and the suggestion that a bunch of overweight, flea-bitten tabbies with thyroid problems are some sort of savannah royalty is the most absurd nonsense in the history of western civilization.

And before you ask, this has nothing to do with the fact that I auditioned for the role of Simba. I was a natural for the part, but apparently the Horse bankers that control the purse strings and call the shots in Hollywood weren't ready for the gritty realism of my performance. Even though their shameless pursuit of the lowest common (feline) denominator's money has betrayed artistic realism, I can still condemn the film on an objective basis.

FERAL POSITION

@RacistWallaby i've been wondering about your position on cane toads, feral cats etc, coming in, acting like they own the place. urthboyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyUrthboy
urthboy

You know, I deliberately try not to have an opinion on the various invasive fauna that have come with outstretched hands looking to steal away the glorious land of our forefathers. My doctor has advised against it, seeing as it does my blood pressure no good at all (and unlike some of my Kangaroo brethren, I've no desire to suckle the Medicare teat dry through expensive treatments).

From the Cane Toad "anchor babies" (if I may borrow an American term) to Feral Cat pensioners demanding a government handout for a few minutes' worth of work they performed back in 1982, every part of their life cycles are a drain on Australia's resources, forcing honest citizens to work harder for fewer benefits.

If I had to single out a particular species that has done the most damage, I'd have to name feral pigs as the number one menace to the national economy. First they steal jobs by demanding that they be brought in as diversity hires, and then they spend all their time hiding behind workplace safety requirements, rorting the system so that they don't have to perform any actual labour. Who knows how much could have been accomplished if those jobs were given to people actually willing to work for a living?

And if they're strutting about like they own the place, it's because they do. Possession is nine tenths of the law, after all, and they've stolen it from us fair and square.

HOSTAGE CRISIS

On Thursday, 19 May, a Wallaby abroad in Lyme Regis, UK, was detained without due process.

On the heels of this shocking rights violation, a Wallaby in Denham Springs, Louisiana, was arrested without a warrant the following weekend.

Neither has been granted access to legal counsel, and both are being held under conditions that I can only assume are in direct violation of the Geneva Convention. I've already alerted Amnesty International about the situation.

In the meantime, in the absence of direction from the foreign minister, I shall be travelling to the U.K. and the United States to demand the release of these political detainees. My boss has only given me a week's time off from work (leave it to a Kookaburra to be completely unresponsive to a pair of international incidents), so it'll have to be a whirlwind tour.

I don't expect this to be easy, especially given the Americans' love of "enhanced interrogation techniques" and terrible track record with minorities in custody, but "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good Wallabies to do nothing"!

I'll be giving you regular status updates here.

HASHTAGS

This is the official page for updates and discussion about my rescue mission, from 28 May to 4 June.

Unfortunately, I expect limited access to Twitter whilst travelling. I'll be posting regularly to keep you from worrying, but I won't be able to respond to inquiries.

You can check my twitter page for the latest updates, and I'll be using the #WallabyRescue hashtag.

DOMESTIC

I hate Portuguese Millipedes. They invade my home when it's raining and I don't appreciate it! How can I get rid of them?less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet ReplyMelissa Kelly
MelKKelly

Portuguese Millipedes? Usually I call immigration and have them deported.

In the meantime, check your neighbours. Are there any Dingos living nearby? They like nothing better than to show off by getting some Millipedes to work as domestics.

“Oh, we have our carcasses stripped by Portuguese Millipedes these days. Don’t you? It makes so much less of a mess.”

Lah-di-dah.

I’d feel sorry for the Millipedes, who are usually kept in squalid conditions and paid far less than minimum wage, but I know for a fact that once you’ve let them in your house, they’ll rob you blind. So the Dingos are getting exactly what they pay for.

LESSONS LEARNT

Do not waste a duck's time with your yellow corn tortillas. #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

You'd be hard-pressed to find a more ungrateful bastard than a duck queued up for a handout. As though charity is a god-given right! They're the first in line to collect assistance, and the first to complain about its "inadequacy," as well.

And what do they do with the public's largesse?

Duck parents are worthless. #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

That's right, they waste it all on plasma TVs and Winnie Blues. But it's not like their children need to be looked after.

Baby ducks are fighters! (?) #ThingsILearnedThisMorningless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone Favorite Retweet Replykat
bureaukat

Baby ducks (or "ducklings," in the Queen's English) are some of the most brutal, bloodthirsty ruffians on the planet.